nehemiah 1.5-6

confession...

2008-02-02T15:25:00.000Z

i did it.

yup, i was suckered in to getting a wordpress blog... so you'll find me here

bye bye blogger.. :(

last post in january

2008-01-30T18:14:00.000Z

how exciting!

i feel like i should lots to say but then i've spent a whole day talking asnd am going to spend the whole night doing the same.. so... yeah.

not much to say really..

:)

knitting

2008-01-16T16:54:00.000Z

writing reading

ijust wish my essay were written.
its mostly there. just needs a couple hundred words morebut i am tired.

and slightly addicted to scrabulous. though usually i suck at scrabble.. hmm

gah!! write it for me someone!!!

God is breaking my heart

2008-01-13T23:36:00.000Z

seriously.

i cry at everything.

its not cool.

(but, God, if this is all part of something, fine, but can i know what???)

(thanks.)

water lillies (don't know who wrote it)

2008-01-13T23:02:00.000Z

Late summer: the white
flowers are blown,
but the furled leaf cones

persist in rising
through the peat-stained
lochan's shallows

till they reach the open
border where water
becomes air, and there

unfold: pale green
almost heart shapes
almost upturned hands

2007:a year in review

2008-01-11T14:01:00.000Z

well, now, thats a mighty formal title for a post thats really just a bit of a ramble about the past year.. i think this is becoming a bit of a habit...

so, last year.

january: uhm.. i took on a position on jordanhill cu committee.. i started placement with giant, all those jolly japes. less fun, bobs dad passed and i went to his funeral.

february: hmm.. i wish i had last years diary here to remind me wgat all happened, sadly its at home in newport. uhm, just more placement i think.. had some really good times at housegroup...

march: mums birthday, easter holidays? camp? planning for cu.. leaders weekend??
started reading the bible along that read it in a year type style... didn't last all that long. started looking for a new flat.. not particularly fun, but hey ho. it happened.

april: spring harvest!!! amazing!! er.. easter hols and camp were april not march.. oh well.. good chats with people, starting planning freshers week and mentalness like that..

may: uhm... lots of assignments, finalising the flat business, uhrm... art in the environment, flat cooling party (bizarrely early, but kendra was off to other countries.. ah, bless)

june: still doing the chapter a day thing.. though may have missed some out.. oops..
went to the states to pick up megs from school and for a holiday.. good fun all round. lots of bridge was played.. :)

july: moved out of kersland hmmm.. where to start, a mammoth run of camps and weddings.. so, creative arts then urban back to back, two weddings, with a week in between to rest, then watersports... another wedding and a yard sale. all go.

august: moved into the new flat, travelled between fife and glasgow a fair bit... worked..

september:read habakkuk 3.17-19 again. love that passage. just enjoyed being in glasgow, prepared for freshers week, got ready for class, worked, met people for coffee... all that fun stuff.. :)

october: another slightly mental month- freshers week, a haloween party, uni work, work work, catching up with folk properly.. jhcu beginning the process of thinking about merging with strath earlier rather than later.. stress..

november: eventually decided to join strath at christmas... eek! i got the YES!!! feeling about where i was in life, with God etc, realised that i'd made an extra really good friend or two in the past couple of months.. and i quote "ah, God is good. good friends & good scripture- thats all you need. Praise the Lord." so i was in a good place... placement started, with all the mentalness of that, we started talking as a big huge comittee about who should be on next years joint committee...

december: i was uber excited about christmas!! saw bob and marie (his wife!! how exciting!) for mulled wne and mince pies along with the rest of the dogs.. met up with more friends, enjoyed making all my christmas gifts this year.. i like the feeling of knowing that you've made something that someone is going to really enjoy.. i also enjoyed not being stressed since i was giving a secret santa and gifts to my family... ha! no stress for suzi! woohoo.

and then it was christmas and now its january.
and i'm not sure where i'mstarting the year from, but hopefully God'll clear all that up for me and i'll get to go away on mission in the summer and will pass third year and get to start final year in october, and will be able to be really effective in serving the cu in whatever capacity... hmmm.. so lots to think about for this year...

like emmsy said: live simply. love extravagantly. pursue jesus.

...

2008-01-08T19:09:00.000Z

I don't know if you want me, but I'll be here anyway
I've got a smile to give you, and I'm not leaving till you smile back at me
Frown all you want to, the tears are running down your face,
But I can assure you, I'm not leaving till you're smiling back at me

(the gentlemen, i'm not leaving)

now i believe in something

2008-01-06T01:15:00.000Z

i'm turning into an emotional wreck... last night i was crying my eyes out at the end of "the book thief" ( i won't ruin the ending, suffice it to say that it is sad!) and then earlier tonight i was in a state over RENT... its not fun.
well, it kinda is. but not really.
ah shut up.

anyhoo, so there are a few things on my mind- a descision to make, an essay that MUST be finished tomorrow.. along with pictures (er... of what? i have no photos.. no ideas... oh! i know, first year placement photos, they'll do.. ha! one good thing has come of my late night.. yippee!) and then all thee rest of them to do after that.. i need to get my hair cut.. my dad might be bringing me big speakers for the old ipod- cos they are a bit faulty and the company sent him new ones and as far as we know they don't want them back.. i tidied my room tonight.. its looking pretty good.. i even sorted out my cupboard, tidied up my clothes- of which i probably have too many..

oh yeah, a couple extra "resolutions":

*to learn how to do more things with the sewing machine

*make a pair of trousers

*have less stuff- or at least be less attached to what i have. here todaygone tomrrow.

i need to hoover my room.. but thats ok, i can do that tomorrow when i'm ignoring the essay that MUST be written.

the first distraction of the day.. church :) not a distraction as such, but time i am taking off to do something good with. but then its straight home and to work for me.. ahhhh.. how i love that word. not.

go to sleep!!

night night.

may your year be blessed, all you say and all you do.

merry new year

2008-01-03T21:54:00.000Z

yo ho ho

well, a brand new blank canvas year.. lots of work to do, but hey ho. thats ok. i'll get through it.

sad that i'm sitting at the start of the new year watching bb. gah.

but the stuff this art student is doing... oh goodness. i want to slap everyone with a big community arts pamphlet and get them to sort out their priorities... gah.

i'll stop now. go and do something useful... :)

happy new year

2008-01-01T13:54:00.000Z

well, folks its that time again. the beginning of another new year.
and here are a few "resolutions"

*watch less tv

*spend more time with people

*watch requeim for a dream

*drink more tea

*cook more

*have more people over for dinner

*do my coursework as i get it, rather than leaving it and leaving it.. not fun.

*be more deliberate in my bible study, make time for it.

*pray more

*make more things- sewing, knitting...

*ask for prayer more

*get up earlier

*be happy with myself as i am

*enjoy the year as it happens

*be open to experiences, opportunities, the world...

*converse more

*laugh more, loudly, quietly, all the time.

*learn to crochet...

maybe they knew more than we do

2007-12-30T17:17:00.000Z

well, merry christmas!

its been a busy old time around here. working in glasgow, not writing essays, trying to write essays deciding its not going to happen right now and trying not to feel guilty....

we had family friends round yesterday. it was lots of fun, we made a book. the story went something like this: "it was a stormy night / there was snow / it turned into a snow storm / but inside it was nice and warm. it was christmas! / josh and ellie gave their aunty flowers for christmas / outside it was snowing a lot / everyone went out for a walk in the woods / they saw lots of pretty leaves / then they went back home where it was warm. "

i think thats roughly how it went. Josh (2 and a half) drew the storms and stuck on the flowers. ellie (5) drew the other pictures and stuck on lots of leaves and things. I (20) cut out the tree shaped front cover and wrote the words for them. josh decorated with lots of feathers. it was a lovely book. uncle puncle took it home with him.. :)

i think i will create some sort of resolutions/things i'd like to do next year list for 2008. my, 2008 already... hmmm.

if, as i have been thinking, i do move onto wordpress, i'll do it in the new year... ah its all so complicated.. but maybe a new start for a new year would be good...??

anyhoo.

it was a good day yesterday. today, not so. i decided i needed to get going with some of my essays... didn't get all that far. i think i shall have a break for a bit, do something fun- like cook or bake oir vegetate in front of the tv... and get ready for the excitement that is hogmanay tomorrow- not that i have any plans- none whatsoever,.... bit sad really. but hey ho.. maybe i'll make a puppet instead. that would be fun. I LOVE having access to a sewing machine. it makes me very happy. i shall have to learn to make trousers... and then i could make beautiful baggy purple cords... oh, how cool would that be??? so cool... hmmm.. a project for 2008 me thinks.

i have a few things i'd like to learn to do. not least crocheting. i hope jim managed to make that hat.. haha. :)

anyhoo.. i hope you are all habing very merry and contented christmasses and if you're not, know people care for you and are thinking of you..

keep the faith

2007-12-20T00:39:00.000Z

so, i'm watching scrubs, making a random quiche-y type thing and not doing anything else of use at the moment... grr.
i have lots of essays that i need to write, but they are not getting written at the mo...
watched extreme home makeover today. it made me cry. a master card advert just made me well up.. jeezo i am getting a little emotional. who knows why. and laverne just died on scrubs (hope that didn't spoil it for you...) ah, man.

oh now blackadder is on and thats amazingly funny... ah, i do love hugh laurie and rowan atkinson. and tony robinson. aaaaah.

so

2007-12-06T00:15:00.000Z

heres the deal.
jhcu are merging with strath, as of christmas. new joint committee emerges.

i'm also seriously copnsidering short term mission this summer.

i'd really like to do some sort of "mission" after i graduate in a year and a bit, not necessarily going places intending to spread the gospel but going to teach and do workshops and try and equip people..

i just have a lot going on in my head. and i have the cold so all the thoughts are kinda muggy right now.. anyhoo. i am going to sleep.

Pay It Forward

2007-11-30T15:43:00.000Z

exciting...

Here's the deal:

I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days. That is my promise. The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.

so hopefully i get something cool from donnaz (who i don't know..)
feel free to join too- i like making things- who knows what you'd get!! :)

everything is fragile

2007-11-30T15:26:00.000Z

i should be doing some work, but i am not in the mood for writing essays. i'll do that later, so, instead, i'm working on christmas presents.

its fun.

i still want you.

to remind you where to stop

2007-11-30T00:39:00.000Z

i have a couple wise friends. one told me today that i should look after myself after i answered her question: how are you doing at looking after yourself? with: er.. not well..?

so, i had catherine (another wise person..) over for sillyness.. we made sock puppets, and laughed a lot! it was awesome. this evening has been an evening for laughing lots. i like it. kirsty and i were really silly and hyper in starbucks afrer some caffeine and good leviticus chat and some pen borrowage (of my pen) by a beardy boy reading into the wild and exclaiming at things. it was awesome. we left the staff a note on a napkin along the lines: thanks for making coffee for us and clearing up after us- we're messy people. i love red cups. i love gingerbread lattes. ps jesus loves you.

thats how it goes- you gotta tell the truth- get it out there!!

my room smells weird.. kinda uhu-y but weirder...
i am tired and i hoovered today- thats the excitement of my life!!!!!!! :)

bagels

2007-11-27T13:49:00.000Z

were inveted in 1610 in krakow and given to pregnant women in childbirth.

also- according to Jim, they are hotter than your average slice of bread when you compare the agony of taking either out of a toaster once toasted.

and they are the equivalent - again, according to Jim, fount of all knowledge that he is :) - of five slices of bread...

bet your day has been made better.

this post sponsored by the letter b.

you gotta breathe in and out

2007-11-24T01:09:00.000Z

funny how the simplest things seem really profound sometimes...

anyway, i was walking home tonight all fired up to write about leviticus and then i ... didn't. i got sidetracked making my sisters christmas present.. still not sure how that one will work out- thats what happens when you try to add in too many things...

anyway, so, leviticus- well, we're up to chapter 16 now and there have been a few significant moments, like the first 7chapters and all the detail therein about sacrifices. then other things and most recently ch16 itself that talks about the holy of holies and how a priest should respect it as well as the day known as Yom Kippur- the day of atonement- our spring clean.

the book has really made me realise how lightly i take God and His promises to me- like, the israelites had to over continual sacrifices to make sure they were right with God and be really specific in asking for forgiveness and thats a real challenge- i find it really hard to be so specific, and i sin unintentionally all the time too. God has a sacrifice for that too. there are so many rules, but there are also so many good reasons for them. You must be holy because I am Holy- lev 15. kirsty and i had a really good conversation about our section. i think i need to reread it and rethink it tomorrow. if i don't post my thoughts, shout at me.

in other news... jules and i have doubled the length of the script we're writing today which is really really really food news.. :) yay! just a couple of all-nighters away from a complete draft.. uhm, so when i said "food" news, i meant good, but maybe it was freudian and i'm really hungry?? i think i might bake tomorroe too, since i don't get to go home or to the camp reunion... both sad things.

oh goodness, it takes a very long time for photos to upload to photobox... but we are close. once its done i get to sleep. hurrah!!! :)

toodles

no music day

2007-11-22T13:11:00.000Z

i was reading a skinny mag article the other day at work that was talking about how this one guy decided that 21st november would be the day he listened to no music inorder to get a better understanding of it. i can't rember all that much about it, nor can i be bothered to pick my skinny off the floor and reread it, so you'll all just have to go out and pick up iss.26 with a picture of the darjeeling limited on the front and read the interview.

anyway, i was thinking about joining in with him and radio scotland and having a no music day. but then i realised i had teickets for jo mangos hootenany. which was great fun and included lots of new music that i'd never heard, so you know, thats got to be a goodthing... onyhoo.. i'm procrastinating. i need to get some work done. its hard though. i'm going to set myself a target and then i'll do something fun... four pages of dialogue? that sounds reasonable-ish. wish me luck.

edom had it coming.... right?

2007-11-22T00:49:00.000Z

so i'm reading the book of obadiah. i've read it three times in three days now. its a short book. 21 verses. so maybe 50 sentences or so. not a lot. but it says quite big things- like be kind to your brothers nation, even though you hate them. (edomites were the descendents of Esau and israelites of Jacob, the brothers that fought a lot.) and that your day will come to be judged so don't be too harsh, don't sell people out to their enemies and gloat about it and don't think you're safe wherever you are- money won't protect you, nor can your friends...

but the thing thats really cool is that after wreaking destruction on the whole edomite race, God puts the israelites back in charge where they reign fairly and justly. so thats nice. even though they were persecuted, they ain't gonna take an eye for an eye.

so those are my random thoughts on obadiah. i'll let you knowe as i have more. jo mango's hootenany was awesome tonight- you should have been there.

sleepy time for suzi!

i'm being seduced

2007-11-19T22:06:00.000Z

by wordpress.. it does look exciting.. but i feel like i'd be breaking up a long standing friendship were i to move... like divorce almost. i've had this baby four years (?) now. and i have an oversized blogger jumper too. hmm...

other than that, lots of good things about today, i had fun at placement, drank lots of tea.. mmmm.. yum. and talked to mocha, the cutest dog ever. got a fair bit of play writing done- 7pages and counting.. woohoo!! only another 50 or 60 to go. not much really.. ha ha ha. !!

in other news, i went to church twice yesterday and actually went forward for prayer both times. good experiences. reminds me why i should go up more often and really why i should make friends with more of the pastoral team.. not that i don't love all my other friends.. its just funny the way some people immediately get to really know the leaders of a church and others don't... anyhoo...

thats all for now i think.

and i still haven't found

2007-11-17T23:08:00.000Z

oh my word, yesterday was a good day, lots of coffee and tea and chatting and people and news and ideas and...

Foy Vance.

the man is a genius. he has awesome shoes and really incredible songs. i love him. or at least his music. and his performance.

such a good day. one day soon i shall tell you all more about it. promise.

this is a good day

2007-11-16T15:25:00.000Z

seeing people you like, talking about things that matter, eating good food drinking nice caffeinated beverages and having a sewing machine that works again. and it was so simple to fix too. hurrah.

good times.

:(

2007-11-13T23:19:00.001Z

my sewing machine is in the huff..

:) i have clementines. fair trade ones no less.

somebody once asked could i spare some cash

2007-11-12T22:06:00.000Z

you can hear lots of things through our walls. the folk downstairs having blazing arguments, the folk next door watching a movie/arguing etc my flatmates laughing on the phone... the washing machine killing all the dishes on the drying rack. we should be more italian about drying dishes.

i have so many projects buzzing around my head for christmas.. an idea for my sister and my dad.. possibly.. hmm.. maybe for my mum. they're all getting a handmade gift and probably an oxfam gift too..

i'm sure there is stuff i should be doing over this/finishing my quilt, but i'm going to fix the last panel tonight. i have decided... wish me luck!

do you know what your future will be?

2007-11-12T11:55:00.000Z

i should really be getting ready to leave for uni.. and i will in two minutes.

but i thought i'd say something first. not sure exactly what, but... i was reading a blog earlier today about waiting for the person you will marry, praying for them etc.. and though i admire that sentiment and discipline, i'm not that convinced that i'm going to get married.. hmm.. thats an intersting thought right there- some people will refute that, and i would like one day to be married with kids, but who says i can't just adopt? or work in an orphanage? or any of the other million of options.

one thing i know- i have a heart for people. though i get grumpy and annoyed and want to be on my own sometimes (hmm, quite a lot this week, sorry guys..) and what have you, i enjoy doing things for people.. i guess i like to be needed. not always a good way to live. but thats how it goes. i gotta run now.. workshops beckon!

letting go of all empty things

2007-11-11T16:31:00.001Z

jesus you are all i need...

today has been a weird day. we decided to fast for a day to focus ourselves again on God, on all He is and just the awesome ness of Him.

and also i recognised just how much of a failure i am. i chose today to do my fast because i thought of all the days this week i would have the most time to focus on god and His provision.. but instead i've wasted my time baking and getting annoyed at people and focusing on my own efforts and its so hard to break out of this cycle. i am trying, O God, how i'm trying, but really, i can't do it- father its all in your hands. i am sorely tempted to just break my fast. God help me not to.

I can be provided for by no-one else. only you, lord.

what a saviour.

you have no control

2007-11-05T23:25:00.000Z

ok, so i know this is my third post in one day and nothing particularly exciting has actually happened today, but i have discovered a renewed vigour for my blog.. though i probably have less time than ever to actually blog.. or do anything else.. don't you worry though (as james would say in his inimitable irish way- every time i say don't you worry, i have to say it irishly james like... now that's worrying. no, really, it is. very.) i still wash. as always. washing is always high in my list of things to do..

tomorrow comes with such surprising speed and i have to talk about Leviticus in it. i met a girl on Sunday who had heard about me- that's worrying- to be fair only through Kirsty because we're doing Leviticus together- it is a proper challenge. i'd recommend it so far though.. its pretty interesting. i think i need to be sleeping more in my life. i know i've mentioned this a few times.

i was looking through some of my archives today- like at particular labels and its really interesting to see what i was writing about a year or two years ago.. i have had this thing for quite a long time.. since 2003 to be exact- and that is a long time.. four years!! its bizarre to see the ways things have progressed since then- my first posts were full of crap, and some of my friends wrote here too.. but now its purely me.. ha ha ha. i wrote about being coeliac- not often, in fairness, but occasionally. told you (the Internet) how i was feeling when Nicky died, when i started a relationship with Gareth, how that all ended up, when i went to uni, debates i had about religion, people who inspired me, when my gran died, that weekend in new york. i love people and i love writing about people and things that happen. i love people being happy. lots of my friends are in the getting engaged/married/having babies stage- ok, i say lots, yes five couples i know did get married this summer, another couple of couples are pregnant another couple of friends got engaged recently and some people are just madly in love, whether in or out of the context of a relationship.

i want to be madly in love. mostly with Jesus. man, i was talking to this guy will tonight- he's a post grad that came along to CU tonight, and was talking about how he became a christian and describing this huge hunger inside of himself for Jesus, how he just loves Christ and how Jesus has molded him into the person he is, his mission being to see people brought closer to Jesus, and i was like, i want to feel that, i want to cry out to God and feel him right there next to me, saying, hey, suzi, its all good, i love you completely and i will never let you go.. because sometimes i find it hard to hear that, to know that if i go to God then he'll wrap me up in his arms, because i am not the person i really want and wish to be.. i am so much more insecure than that person, i am so much more of a let down, i will always back out, take the easy road and miss out, but i don't want to, i want to be changed, challenged and really take up the mantle of the mission God has set before me.

reading john ortberg's 'when the game is over it all goes back in the box' right now and its a really good challenge- to realise that God has put me right here for a reason, this is my mission field, i should be serving right here, God has something planned for me right here.. pray that i'll say yes when my Mordecai (he was using the example of Esther) presents a challenge to me.. maybe you're my Mordecai- whats my challenge?? nudge and encourage me toward it, shout scream yell it at me.. keep working on me, make me take it up, remind me God never said it would be easy but hat he would be sufficient...

i don't think i have anything else i want to say. apart from i plan to spell check this.. i hope its readable by the time you get to it... :) (ha- i type better than i thought i did.. apart from capitals, which i refuse to do because i much prefer lower-case. except, obviously, in essays..)

hail mary full of grace

2007-11-05T20:31:00.000Z

no, i haven't become a catholic, but thats what the girl standing next to me at the bus stop said when our bus finally came. she'd been waiting nearly an hour and was late to meet her boyfriend. we were talking about how buses never came on time, but that the no9 was usually reliable and then we were talking about her life, it was so random but completely awesome. i don't know her name, but i know she studied admin at college for a while, had a baby boy called christopher when she was going on 17 (she's 17, nearly 18 now) her boyfriend, and christophers dad is declan, he's a year younger, she's just got her own flat and saving for driving lessons and a car- thats how the whole conversation started, she couldn't wait to be driving, and how she wasn't sure that her and declan would lastthe course. she's going to start at college doing hairdressing cos she already works in a salon. she was so lovely, and i wish i could have talked to her more. it was only once i was off the bus i thought i could have invited her for tea- maybe someday i'll meet her on another bus and we can talk some more.

oh, and emma, to answer your question- yes, it all went fine- thanks to God.

i like days like this..

always next to you

2007-11-05T14:24:00.001Z

hey hey you you i don't like your girlfriend

thats a bit what i feel like at the moment.. we've got a staff student meeting this afternoon and we've got to raise an issue of a class that is really not up to scratch...argh

and cu tonight should be banterful- karen kirsten graeme and i are doing it and i'm not entirely prepared yet.. but thats ok, i have an hour to prepare before our meeting at 4..
yeek

its a long day.. in fact its oing to be a long week.. woop woop...

the happiest night

2007-11-04T23:01:00.000Z

hmmm.. odd sort of day really.. church, lunch, workshop, sillyness, dinner, friends, film, work.

twas fun though.

i think i'm tired and should not really write anything else or it'll get silly and messy-- i tend to write stupid things when i'm tired.

i'm making a bracelet from beads nomy brought me back from kenya.. they're really pretty, i like them. nomy and i went to mother india cafe on saturday night- it was yummy!!! i love indian food.. pretty much, i love food. i have a friend who can't eat chicken.. thats gotta be tough. i say that and i can't eat bread, so i guess its similar. hmmm,,, intersting.

as you can see- that was an example of my rambling tiredness.. i am tired and things make sense in my brain so i write them down, but miss out the connection- ie, i was thinking how we ate chicken tikka and chicken with extra ginger and spinach last night and had chicken at lj and anna's tonight and my friend couldn't have either. but he could have the pakora... mmm.. and the dahl.. mmm..

made banana bread really late last night and then cried my eyes out at extreme makeover- home edition. heart wrenching.

mat, my gay friend from work has a date,. he's uber-excited. aaah, he makes me laugh- a lot. if you've seen 40 year old virgin, then you might get our relationship- alot of our banter is about calling each other gay. though really, i should be telling mat how straight he is, since he already knows he's gay.. ho hum. typical exchange:
mat: know how i know you're gay?
me: how?
mat: cos dorothy thought there was no place like home.
me: know how i know you're gay?
mat: how?
me: cos julie andrews told me
and so on and so forth. its actually hilarious, but everyone else in the world thinks we're nutters and/or we're nutters.

we are.

i really need to sleep, cos i have class and filming and a staff student meeting tomorrow as well as cu that i'm really unprepared for... gah!!

meep

pumpkin galore

2007-10-30T23:36:00.000Z

i am sick of the sight of pumpkin right this second.. i just spent several hours making a pumpkin pie (its not even that huge, yet it wrecked my sieve...) and now lots of soup. well, the soup is half made, i got too tired and hot to finish making it, but that can wait quite easily til tomorrow.. oh crap, i forgot, i left toasted pumpkin seeds in the off oven.. clever suzi.
ah. hallowe'en.

life is one big draft

2007-10-26T12:46:00.000Z

i've started so many posts in the last month and then have changed my mind and deleted them- not interesting/spiritual/relevant/exciting/long enough. and either they get deleted or they are "saved as draft" and then i delete them three days later- but thats no way to go through life. life is for living.

this week has been a quiet week, but good, time to relax and spend time with people and God, creating things, writing, drawing, eating, drinking tea- my favourite hot beverage.. speaking of tea, we have some exciting new stuff in the cupboard, k brought home some zanzibar cinnamon tea and tea masala spice and cardamom and whole nutmeg from tanzania- so we're all ready to have really good tea and spiced food... mmm... :)

i had to go the kitchen to remember exactly what it was k had brought back, so obviously that was a good time to make tea, but alas we have no milk.. so its tea with honey and lemon instead..

i've started making a quilt- its going well, except i haven't done anything on it for a week or more.. i have one line of panels to sew together before i start sewing each line together.. its huge though.. :) just researching what size of sheet i'll need to buy to make the bottom layer of it.. a king size flat sheet should do it.. but it'll take a while to get to that stage i think... argh,.. big projects are scary, but fun. next time i make something that size i'll need to really collect good images and t-shirts, but this one will be cool still.. i can feel it in my bones!!

my floor is completely clear for the first time in a long time, which is fairly incredible- i just need to keep it that way- tuesday, its a committee meeting at mine then emma is coming round for dinner and on wednesday we're having a halloween/flat warming- which you are invited to, of course!

hmmm.. tomorrow i think i'm going to go to edinburgh and see my friend jen- i've not seen her in ages.. so hopefully it'll be awesome.

humm, i'd forgotten- i was talking about my week... i saw lots of people. was at loch tay at the weekend, drove to glasgow and back again on the sunday in order to go to church.. that was fun.. :) my week was sponsored by: kendra laura debbie erin kate tanje james pete emma phil mum beth jenni jules stephen eilidh freya gemma gemma ali ... you!

lunchtime!

i'm sleeping with myself tonight

2007-09-12T12:16:00.000Z

so i can still hear the kids playing in the playground across the road, but my room is tidy now, hurrah! i even attempted hoovering earlier. not entirely successful, our hoover stinks. had a fairly productive morning.
my big challenge for this year, the one thing i want to make- a quilt! so if anyone has any t-shirts they no longer wear, give them to me and i'll make them into a quilt.. :)
thats all i have to go to work now!

wow

2007-08-24T12:07:00.000Z

well, its been a busy summer, not as busy as some folks though- james- take a bow.
so i'm settled into my new flat- though my room is currently a tip and i can hear the kids in the school across the road playing games- yup its lunchtime.. mm, food.
anyway, so this summer.

well, it all started with a trip to the states to see my sister- she graduated from high school out there this year- she was only there for a year, but still. so we did a tour of new york washington dc etc, bit of a road trip, but really good fun. meggie even made me wear a dress for her graduation- not something i usually do a lot of, but there are always exceptions. hmm.. so america was good fun. then i was back to glasgow to work and move out of the flat and then it was my birthday, laura and debbie made me a beautiful cake and we got locked out of the flat. good times all round!

soon after that i was off to camp. firstly to creative arts camp in blaithwaite- which is pretty close to keswick. we spent a week there, getting to know our campers- a lot of whom had been at camp the year before as well, and having discussions about God and scriptures. i was lucky to be co-leading a group with harold, who had been in ministry for 40 years, so although i could talk about my life, it was awesome to have the back up of his age and experience and knowledge. i was challenged that week, to become more like God, hard as it is, but not to do it on my own strength, to do it with God's power and love behind me. which i am still trying to put into practice. not sure last night was a good outworking of that, but never mind.

i went straight from creative arts to urban camp, and had an amazing time there. just such a lovely bunch of people on the team. there were so many crazy connections within the team, everyone had a connection to everyone else- we all bonded really quickly, twas awesome. i was tired the whole week, but not so much as i thought i would be, which was awesome. i read about elijah being refreshed by sleep and two meals and that was my prayer for the first day or so that i would be refreshed by the rest and food and companionship before the campers arrived on the monday. and actually, i was refreshed, i had really good chats with the rest of the team.
the week went really quickly as well, my group was really small, ronnie and i had just three campers, but it meant that we could really get alongside the campers, get to know them really well and have time to chat to the rest of the campers. i made some good friends that week, there were some of the campers stories that just really break your heart, but they were such nice kids too.. so that week was a really stretching week, just in terms of tiredness and patience with the campers, their temper tantrums and needs. but an awesome week, it really made me appreciate what i had- my friends, family and church. i really enjoyed phoning friends at midnight and leaving random rambling messages on their voicemail. the view from the front porch was beautiful, especially at night, when the clouds were all pink and grey and gold and violet and beautiful. just a really good week.

so the day camp ended, i was off to the wedding of my friends jules and laci, in perth. dashed off to the hotel to get myself all prettied up and showered and de-campified. it was a really nice day- jules looked stunning and everyone really enjoyed the day. nice to see folk that i hadn't seen for ages. i am so glad for jules and laci- they were so happy that day and they're such a nice couple, i really think they can last the course.

the week after that, i spent my time at home, planning for camp, sorting out my life- ie sleeping lots, making posters, doing lots of exciting things like that and generally preparing for yet another week of madness with children.. although this time not so much children but actually teenagers.. anyway, a relaxing ish week of planning and stuff..

off to camp again and another wedding, this time it was jenny and cosmin- jules sister. fairly mad day- had to help set up at camp then drive to glasgow to go to the wedding, go to the reception and then back to lendrick muir. jenny also looked stunning, and the speeches were all beautiful... cosmin was so sweet- i want a man who'll say beautiful things to and about me. ah, gorgeous.

so, onto camp- kinda strange to be an actual leader, rather than a cook or a camper. it was a learning curve, for sure. pip and i had a group of four girls, all of whom had been at camp with us before which was realy exciting and also really scary. we spent a lot of time talking about what they were going on to next year and just praying through that- the thing was, two of our girls were really good friends from home and had spent most of the summer together. so they were quite distracted together. however halfway through the week, we had a big session on prayer and caro went up to be prayed for by some of the leaders and was asking for prayer to be less distracted. so that was awesome and our group times did get better- the last night- when everyone else was wanting to get ready for our annual ceilidh, our group were still going strong when the others were hammering on our door to get in and changed.. so that was really encouraging. i had to learn alot about patience- how to work with my parents as the team leaders, which was hard. i love my parents, but it can be weird, and i find it really strange to pray with them- i have no idea why, but there you go... we did loads on knowing God, it was a really good week, good teaching.

other highlights of the week included my campers stringing me up a tree and leaving me dangling there for five or ten miuntes. they were just a little cruel. nathan scubbing me at archery- sam trying to help me at archery and making me worse- me not knowing how to tell left from right, getting lost on the a9 to lendrick muir, and in perth, being called antisocial- again by nathan- he was on his phone first, cheeky boy. honestly, campers these days. we had great fun with birthdays and trips to go waterskiing and really good conversations- a conversation that i have just remembered happened in the first week i was at camp- one of my campers was talking to me at supper time- she sought me out to speak to, which was a great honour. we were chatting about her life- her various foster parents and the fact that she doesn't think she has found God yet, and that she owns tarot cards- at that point i was scared, a friend had a really bad experience with tarot at one point and that has put me off for life. so we were having this discussion and it really taught me about the way God uses things and situations from your past in your present.

hmmm. so yeah, camp. nothing else really i can think of that sticks out- i spent my summer fancying myself in love/or at least lust with any eligible christian boy i came across- but i had some really good chats with God in the car on the road up and down from glasgow to newport, one in particular where i spent a good hour or so talking to him about this gift of singleness that he has placed in my life and realising how much i have enjoyed the past few years being single, the friends i've made, but still, seeing all my friends get married off, or get pregnant i just sometimes wish it was my turn- but on the other hand i am getting so much out of my life right now. agh- God never teaches me anything easy.

after camp i spent a few days in glasgow getting moved into my new flat, losing my phone (grr) and going to yet another wedding- this time as a +1. i was debbies date for colleen's wedding. again another beautiful day. debbie was soooo tired, it was awesome. i loved being her date :)

after the wedding, mum was having a yard sale and we had to finish getting ready for holiday club, so i went home again for that, it was fun. holiday club was hard work. its always a bit strange working in your home church, things just change faster than you realise or not at all. so we did waste watchers (what a load of rubbish!) (that was our catchphrase) this year, which worked out really well. my group were interesting. challenging. two girls- sisters, the youngest of six, who needed lots and lots of attention. they are lovely girls, but they really do get unsettled quickly. i pray that the example we set that week was the most telling thing for these girls, the two sisters and the other two in my group. it was a hard week, but i hope seeds were planted, it took a lot out of me, more so than the urban camp, probably because they were much younger and less able to engage in the activities we had planned. i am ashamed to say that i was not so well prepared as i could have been, so while i could have made the group times more useful i never bothered my bum to do it. however, on the wednesday of holiday club, my dog, midge died. she'd had a stroke earlier in the year and had recovered qute well, but she had another massive stroke in the night and couldn't move most of the day- no power in her back legs and not very able to smell or hear or see us well all afternoon. so we took her to the vet and she was euthanised. so sad- i cried most of the day, but really the only merciful thing to do- and since she didn't struggle at all but went really quickly and peacefully, i have to believe that she was ready to go. she was 14 years old and had had a great life, so i don't feel too bad that way, but still, it was a hard thing to do.

anyway, holiday club finished on the sunday with a service, and i headed back to glasgow on monday. have spent this last week getting settled properly into the flat and just enjoying hanging out in glasgow, back to work on friday and then to church on sunday. aaah, i'd missed church in glasgow. today i saw jules and laci for the first time since their wedding which was lovely. we had a picnic in the flat and i bought a dress in the sale at fat face which i am going to wear tomorrow- tomorrow is a dress day, catherine and i agree. :) i am also going to go to the oriental supermarket and then into town.. fun fun fun!!

and then, a week tomorrow (the dress day!) i head down to chirk! for forum! yay! very exciting! God will be there and doing amazing things. i can feel it! :)

anyway, thats my life.

i like bacon sandwiches

2007-07-07T09:50:00.000Z

lots of things happening in the next couple of weeks, creative arts, urban and watersports camp.. will update soon

entering the early twenties...

2007-07-02T17:18:00.000Z

well, i know one thing in this world thats still pure and good! christian love? NO! candy!
the simpsons.. you can always rely on them for good old morals ...
i'm not sure what i have to say.. not very much probably..

who am i?

2007-06-14T23:21:00.000Z

was just on myspace, cos i just got a request from one of my friends from home and i don't know who i am anymore. i was looking at her pictures and there are so many things associated with her and school that i thought i wanted and then gave up but seeing her think i want all over again- more piercings, a taste for heavy metal, liking jack daniels and jagermeister. none of which i am or have. but its like if i can be so easily influenced and saddened by her having the things that i was going to do, who does that make me? i confuse myself all the time. i enjoy things i never thought i would (electronic-influenced music, baked beans and cottage cheese to name a few) and yet thats all because of other people too.. really, who am i apart from all the people around me? who God says i am, i guess, thats still in the making, i still can't see that girl clearly. proverbs has a "hymn to a good wife" (proverbs31.10-31) but i'm really not anywhere close to any of that (nor am i a wife). i'm not trying to put myself down lots here, i'm just trying to understand who i am, where i fit.. ach its just a strange mood i'm in.

i-l-o-v-e-m-y-l-i-p-s

2007-06-13T22:26:00.000Z

i might get mad and call my dad

i'm looking round my room. i have so much stuff.. and only two weeks left to pack it all up and get ready to move it all around the city... woop woop.. what fun. oh and a cow. which needs to get to ireland somehow.. how do these things happen to me?? bertha might need to go back to Nomy for a while.. oh dear.. another taxi for Bertha i think.

looks like this ceilidh is going ahead, so heres your official invitation- 30th june (a saturday) at newport-on-tay church hall, there will be a ceilidh in honour of my sister turning 18 (in january, oops), me turning 20 (but not really for that) and meggie coming home from the states. SO if you are in the country, you HAVE to come. I want it to be a really good night for my sister. There WILL be FOOD, but its BYOB if you want anything other than water or juice... :)

i hope to see you there.. from 7.30 on. if you need directions, or a place to stay, we can provide both things.. :)

hum. i think i need to go to bed really soon. i want to get up in the morning and be able to go to the gym before i have to get ready for work (bleurgh, work..)
so i shall say adieu.
adieu.

You are the God who sees me.

2007-06-12T00:22:00.000Z

Genesis 16.13 Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. she said 'You are the God who sees me.'*
The Hebrew for the phrase 'You are the God who sees me.' is El-roi.

Matthew 15.8-9 These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce, they teach man made ideas as commands from God. 11 It's not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; but you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

Nehemiah 5.8 At the meeting I said to them, "We are doing all we can to redeem our Jewish relatives, who have had to sell themselves to pagan foreigners, but you are selling them back into slavery again. How often must we redeem them?"

Acts 15.11 We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of of the Lord Jesus.

well, its much later than i intended to be up tonight. i read recently that you should write as if you aren't going to be read and then you'll be honest and truthful. i'll try.

theres just so much to say and not enough time or space. i have issues that i need to sort out with God and myself, an incident that just keeps coming up in my mind from when i was like 11. people that i thought were friends that encouraged me in the wrong direction. nothing major, but its all baggage and it obstructs my relationship with God and others. and recently i've been really bad, i just haven't had the inclination to open my bible and to read the truth there. i am undisciplined and unmotivated and i find it hard when i'm home because i don't have the greatest church. and for all that the community is there, you really need the teaching too...
lord, i pray that you would be in that, that you would be with our minister in newport, with his family and the rest of the congregation, lord, help ken to be relevant and gospel based and real for the congregation. lord reveal yourself once again.. and lord, for the whole family, i pray you'd be in that situation, in your power.

God, i am so weak and feeble, i can't bring myself to be disciplined before you and yet if i am to be of any use this summer, i need your guidance. lord there are so many situations i just cannot do without you. El-roi, as Hagar named you, El-roi. you know what it is i lack, what i need to be taught, how i feel, what haunts me, lord it is all crystal clear to you. god i pray that you would begin to help me reconcile this image of how i am, how i really am, to how you would have me be. lord give me the strength to be directed and take it on board.

God, so many times, i feel like a pharisee, that iam defiling myself by the motivation of what i say and how i say it. god i pray you would challenge me on that. and i am scared to say that because i know You will. Lord God, i ask that you would truly be the one i fear and respect and love the most. God that i would be merciful to my neighbours and friends, that i would be helping redeem others, not selling them back into their "slavery".

This is how i journal quiet times. this is how i meditate on passages of scripture and how i'm trying, so hard, but with so little commitment sometimes, to read the whole bible. its hard, and its going to take more than a year, thats for sure.

Be still and know that I am God. psalm 46.10
thats a lesson i need to learn, for sure.

[be still]

[know that I am God]

[be still]

i think i need to sleep now. my brain is tired. good night.

hee hee quizes..

2007-05-13T19:30:00.000Z

You Are Elmo

Sweet and innocent, you expect everyone to adore you. And they usually do!
You are usually feeling: Talkative. You've got tons of stories to tell. And when you aren't talking, you're laughing.
You are famous for: Being popular, though no one knows why. Middle aged women especially like you.
How you life your life: With an open heart. "Elmo loves you!"

http://www.blogthings.com/thesesamestreetpersonalityquiz/">The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

hee hee! i'm elmo!

refreshed

2007-05-13T18:15:00.000Z

well, i've just tidied my room. in course of which i managed to lose lots of stuff.. some to my flatmates and a lot more to the charity shops. I have been needing to de-clutter for a while. i just want to get rid of everything, but thats not really sensible. i think there'll be another clear out before i move out of this place... possibly the craft box will get it in the neck this time.

I spent a week recently in a place called Ardmore point. its quite pretty, except whn the weather is miserable. and you might even spot these two having a cup of tea... they quite enjoy cups of tea. and sitting on wet seats on rainy days, outdoors.. two old glasgow wifies, as my friend morv would say. (and in fact just did, through the wonderful medium of itunes/msn)

This was part of k and j's art in the environment project. perhaps i'll post some of mine someday.. possibly not. but i really like this:

oh and ardmore point (well, a bit of it) on the most dreich day all year. woot!

i enjoy new starts..new flats, new friends, new cities.. that doesn't mean i'm giving up on the old stuff or not remembering it, but just an affirmation of the fact that change can be good.

i think i'm going to give up bebo/facebook/myspace for a week.

return...

2007-05-03T11:30:00.000Z

so that last post was written today too but its ok, blogger is a little weird like that.. :)

party tomorrow- flat cooling, we're moving out on the 2nd of july, but kendra leaves before then...
so wear cool colours and come for the best party ever!!

essaays!! i promise, i am writing them...

don't take the slide

2007-04-13T15:08:00.000Z

wow, what a mega two weeks..
Uhm, well, its been a while since i wrote that sentence, and i am aware that I should be writing my placement essay right now and that there are a million other things that i need to do, really soon, but for the moment i'm going to take ten minutes off to write here.

I realised i need to have more conversations with and about God. I really do. I was out with my friend Pete on tuesday and we had a really good chat about spring harvest- i was telling him some of the stuff i learnt, like the fact that God does not forgive sin. He can't. It's not in His nature to forgive our sins. He requires that there is a sacrifice to atone for the sins of the people. Once upon a time, there was a high priest, who, once a year could go into the holiest of holies and speak to God, pleading for His people and sacrificing a goat. how a goat could carry peoples sins, I have no idea, but God said that it was enough. This wasn't really good enough, so a man came along, a man who was completely sinless, who faced the ultimate and only temptation: to go his own way or Gods, the same temptation- wrapped up in different colours, but at its base, the exact same temptation- that we all face every day, and who, at the point it was most crucial, prayed and cried and pleaded and sweat blood for the decision. and God still didn't release him, yet it was still his choice. he could have turned away and left us sacrificing goats and he would no longer be sinless and the whole history of the world would be different, but he didn't. he said, yet not my will, but yours. and he went to his death, the lamb on the cross. Jesus died and shed blood and that was the ultimate sacrifice. Nothing more is neccessary to atone us, except living with and in Jesus. God sees only his beloved son.

I know all this and yet i still struggle to live it day on day, minute on minute, hour on hour. i find myself getting annoyed, frustrated, tense about things that are not supposed to make me feel that way, i get angry at things that are no-ones fault, but are my problem and yet I don't talk about it. I need to get my head straight, I need to just abide in Christ and let him live through me.

I'm going to meet a friend tomorrow and i really hope we have good conversations. and i really pray that our flatcooling tomorrow (which you are invited to, by the way.) will be awesome, but not just because of the food and booze and music, but also because we are having awesome conversations and because God will be watching over it and just letting the best aspects of every person there shine through. I really want people to enjoy themselves and enjoy each other and everything... ah, this is a bit of a confused rant, but thats ok. i have to get back to my stinky essay now.

3 years ago

2007-03-25T21:46:00.000Z

i was just looking back at this blog three years ago, when i blogged quite a lot but fairly pointlessly... not a huge amount of difference to now some might say... however, three years and two days ago i wrote a post about my friend nicky's death. she died three years and three days ago. and i have told a lot of people about her, about how much of an impact she had on me. I still think of her and talk about her. i still love and miss her.
i thnk i'm very lucky to have made so many good friends in my life. i really am. even now, looking back, i know we had some rough times, but we stuck together in school, i still value my friends from madras, i really do, and i so love my friends in glasgow, lozzle was saying just yesterday how much she loves the fact that she's found a group of people that she can just hang out with and be herself and i am so grateful for that too, i love having these friends, these people who are just there and supportive and who i can support in turn. and i know i can be bitchy and crappy and not pleasant sometimes and i let my mouth run away with me and i'm sorry for that but you guys just accept me, and then challenge me and i am so grateful.

i guess i just love the fact that when i'm in glasgow in the flat, in the park, walking around, whatever, i just rerally feel at home, i know that i have a place here and i don't need anyone else to tell me that and i know no-one can make me feel not a part of this, so thats really cool. i'm just so lucky to have found such awesome friends.

anyway, its bed time.

post ... secret

2007-03-25T19:31:00.000Z

i love the website postsecret. it makes me happy and sad and empathetic and silly and ... everything all at the same time.

Jen still has my postsecret book.. i do want it back!

so, anyway, what am i going to talk about today? well, i'm trying to not get on with my placement essay, i can't be bothered with writing proper essays just now. its a sunday evening and i don't feel like working. i really really should.

its been a long week, just going from one thing to another to another. i don't think i've properly rested this week, but i plan to try and get more rest time in in this next week.

i also love the postal service i think they are awesome

i am going to take karens advice and get up an hour earlier every morning and just spend it in time with God.. so, lets see how that works out.

toodlepip

interesting

2007-03-21T20:43:00.000Z

when you publish a draft it publishes it under the first date you saved it as.

its been an interesting couple of weeks.
uhm, whats been going on.... well, i got back to class... getting back into the swing of things, which has been good. we've started on the flat chat. it was all looking good for having another 6bed flat, but thats kinda not looking so hopeful, potentially it'll just be two three bed flats... but hey ho. thats life.

i'm feeling a bitty blugh at the moment. think i'm just giving myself too much to do, too many hassles and stresses and spending too much money onthings i neither need nor can afford. i suck, is the basic consensus.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaach. now i have nothing to say.
grr.

2007-03-07T22:46:00.000Z

decided i'm going to try and post a reply to most of your comments keir as another blog post rather than forever going through comments. bear with me, i have written some, but there is more to do...

a reply (incomplete) (it's never really complete, is it)

2007-03-07T21:57:00.000Z

right, this might take a while and i'm not sure i'm going to get it all done in a oner- especially since i just realised i have reading for tomorrow to do and its already 10pm.
however, i owe keir a few answers...
to find out what the heck i'm talking about check out
this and also this cos although its a fair bit of reading, its the background to it all.

so, i'm sitting here listening to ben folds five radio on pandora and trying to work out how to respond to all of this...
(just in case you were wondering, the song thats on just now is by a band called blackfield and is titled lullaby)

first off, i just want to say that i don't like being labeled. i guess its me trying to stay myself, unique, not tarred by someone else's brush, but i guess it's going to happen. so, i'm objecting to being called a "fundamental christian" since i don't think its fair to group people together like that- my flatmate has discovered that she really doesn't like the term "ned" so this is similar. did that make sense? i'm not even sure.

i am human, completely and uttely, there's no way i'm going to deny that, and so, as a human, i am open to human fears and doubts and am not always convinced by the most rational thing, or by the thing i know to be true, i can and will doubt the earth i stand on, i will be plagued with fears about myself, the way i treat others, the way i respond to others- even today, my self-belief was shaken, i thought i was a fairly nice person who made time and space for people, but today, in one situation, i seemed not to be, someone else got really uncomfortable and felt really unwelcomed and that hurt me so much. that i could make someone feel so uncomfortable. i'm still not sure it was all my fault, but i felt like the smallest piece of crap ever. i apologised and everything, but even now i am still shocked by the whole situation. if i can be so shaken by one thing like that, what makes me sure of anything?
i believe that the Bible contains the truth of how and why our world was created. we had a grill-a-christian night at j-hill on monday night and dan answered a lot of these sorts of questions really well. but i need to know for myself. the bible, continually points us to Jesus. all these accounts in the New Testament (NT) were written in the 30 or so years after Jesus' death and resurrection. these are all, primary, eyewitness accounts. they are letters and gospels all written about this one man, whose existence is verified by other historians too. there is no where that Jesus' body could have been taken to without discovery, there is no reason for the disciples to have lived and died in such ways for a falsehood, there is nothing that i can say to make anyone believe what i believe, but in so many cases, there is no way that people can't be gripped by what they read in the Bible.

no, not everyone has access to a Bible, not everyone will hear about Jesus in their lifetime, but i believe in a Just God, one who will not condemn without reason. if you hear and do not believe, thats completely different from never hearing.

i'm sorry that its been two weeks or so since i started this, but i've just been so busy and unable to thibk and i keep thinking, if i just find this new passage in le bible or this book or that commentary, but really what i think we need to hear is the words of duke special- last night i nearly died but i woke up just in time. i hope i'm awake and that you are all awakened.

i hope, eilidh, that you don't mind me reproducing part of your email here, but it just made so much sense... so, thanks: "Suzi, I was reading your blog and Keir's comments, I don't know how I'd respond to that, quite challanging things. A couple of things I thought though, God is so much bigger than your doubts and questions, I think He uses those to teach you. In fact I think that's true of any belief system and Keir doesn't seem to be there. When you think you have the answer then you give yourself no room to learn, to doubt forces you to explore and gain a deeper understanding, it's a necessity, not a weakness in faith. Faith is not another word for irrational belief, faith is the action of commiting to a belief that logic has only carried so far. Keir's faith is an atheistic faith but it is a faith. Logic, science, the world does not lead to atheism or theism, if anything it leads to agnosticism. He doesn't seem willing to challange his faith at all, something which I think all Christians are forced to do if they take their faith seriously. These are just a few, not very coherent, thoughts. Don't be discouraged by what he's saying, like you said in your blog, it's not up to you, only God can work in him."
(eilidh, i love you btw)

so, i'm sorry if this isn't what anyone was hoping for, i'm not entirely sure what i was aiming for when i started, but maybe its been helpful, maybe not.

his ways

2007-02-26T22:35:00.000Z

i think i've been learning a lot recently, about my self and my need to be honest and the challenge to be vulnerable. tonight at cu we had two guys in to talk about apologetics. well, nicj was there for that, johnny was there for prayer ministry etc, which was really good. i felt i had a few things on my heart that i needed to chat through and so i spoke to johnny and he prayed for me. mostly it was about this one person i know who is always challenging me, who always has new questions, new ways to try and defeat me, make me "admit" that my faith is a sham, that i am illogical to believe what i believe and who i always end up having conversation-debate-arguments with about my convictions and beliefs with and johnny just really spoke into the situation, realising that i neede release from the burden of having all these doubts poured on my head, all these tough conversations which didn't always come at a goodtime, which did make me re-evaluate myself, and he allowed me to want to be free of that. he just poured blessing onto the situation and just had some real insight into the kind of things i needed to spoken to about.

tonight was good for that, for recognising that no-one is perfect and that there is a lot i need to sort out with my Father, God who created me. the things He wants to speak into my life but has no chance because i am too busy, ignoring, bypassing, serving. its ok for me to need to have my space i don't have to be constantly serving others, loving them, caring, putting them first, twisting my own life around their needs, although i will still and my whole career is and will be oriented around the people i meet and serve and love. and i need to do that in order to fulfil who God created me as. it was just really reaffirmed for me tonight that i will find out and need to remember who i am in Christ. that i will grow in love and faith and knowledge and i will have my heart broken over and over for people and situations and areas. that i will never stop loving people, that i will continue to encourage, to laugh, to be joyful, that i will never stop being who i was created to be. that i must centre myself in my Father. that He loves me and that it is this love that i will be pouring out, that my own love is not enough, is too finite, is too conditional to be enough, that i need to be filled and refreshed by Gods love but that i must draw near to him in order to have that refreshing and refilling.

i really hope and pray that i will discover more of what God has for me in the new year, that, come the spring, i would awake to a new period of my story, that i would grow and be challenged and challenger, that the truth would penetrate the hearts of those i know and love, that i might be a witness and that my story would resonate would be relevant would be at once mine and someone else's story. that what i have would be used for Gods glory and would help you that i would be used but not burned up, that i would be a good steward and that His blessing would be on allthat i say and do.

its a big ask, but i believe in a big God, one who does not and cannot fit into my little box. one who knows me intimately and loves every part of me, who challenges me, who rebukes me, who encourages me, who disciplines me, who cares for me, who directs me
He is bigger than anything i could ever imagine, He is always around and will help in times of need, He is just and righteous and loving and compassionate and i know virtually nothing of Him yet. i have so much to learn and always will. the more i learn, the less i know. He will create and He will provide, i just pray that He makes me equal to the challenge, equips me and directs my steps.

scared

2007-02-24T22:34:00.000Z

i mistyped that first and wrote "scarred".
wipe the make up from your face, tie your hair and gently fall from grace until i come again.
strangely, the last time i wrote those words i was in the middle of a relationship- the details of which i won't bore you with now, go here to reread that post- and i was trying to be all musically intellectual.. it didn't really work.
but brings back memories. i used to say to him -i wanna hold you but my hands are tied- and mean it. i was so foolish.

i left work today really fancying a pint of cider and blackcurrant and by the time i got home really wanted a cigarrette. various reasons, in the end i had neither. instead i'm sitting here with some white wine (it was in the kitchen and its been a long week) talking to you. strange, isn't it, that you think you've lost an "audience" or changed it, and them discover, down the line that those people are still with you, asking you questions, popping up in strange places. like your head. you'll all (all?) be thinking that i have a one track mind, that i think about the same situations all the time, really i don't, just for some reason they seem to be more prominent at the moment and there is nothing i can say to account for it. yet i find myself thinking about this man and what he might be doing now, how we'll both have grown in the last three years.

my friend simon is coming round to mine to watch a movie tomorrow. we're going to watch little miss sunshine, because i promised we would before he leaves for spain (friday). its weird, i've only known him a month or two and it seems like much longer. i can't quite believe he's leaving already. he's only been here three months.

i had this discussion with my friend val the other week... we both miss having a boyfriend. i never really made a concious decision not to go out with anyone, but it just hasn't really happened in quite a long time. i'm still not even sure if i actually will ever get married. i guess if it happens, it happens and i'll know it was meant to, otherwise it won't. that was a rambly way of pointing out the obvious. sorry.

hmmm.. pandora has just put on the clash.. intriguing.
i enjoyed that glass of wine. lozzle is out at the sports ball... she looked lovely earlier. i really quite enjoyed working on the bar tonight. i haven't been on bar in a while and it was awesome. i think i might volunteer at childline next year. i'm hoping to do my third year placement at dundee rep. that was a few random facts about my day/life. all of these things came up during the day.

strangely enough, one of the people i am currently working with on a giant project worked with my friend nicola on her play during the summer... coincidences abound.
i shall have to ask nicola about it tomorrow.. how exciting.

i have the cold and i hate that. it just depresses me. not actual depression (my, how easily we bandy these terms around now. i would never wish that ailment on anyone. a family friend was so afflicted that he could barely speak for a year. he is such a testament. he drove all the way from aberdeen for my grans funeral. he's much better now- has been for several years, but its been tough.) because i know its not, but the blues.

i think i'm going to just go and read my book for a bit and then go to sleep. i wish you all a lovely sabbath. rest well.

knock knock

2007-02-21T21:39:00.000Z

i totally got a new book for my bible-sermon-notes thing. it was free. from work. a sketchbook we were about to throw out. woo!
anyhoo.. so monday night, regina spektor- sooooooooooooo good! she was amazing. and, best of all we met my friends simon and ben there too, unexpectedly. so that was awesome and resulted in laura and i going to see the boys play last night at the 13th note. which was a lovelyt little gig. simon played beautifully as did ben. woop!!

uhm, i think thats all of my current banter, i shall write more next time i'm procrastinating or have an interesting topic to write about.... :)

heaven help me

2007-02-18T17:35:00.000Z

well.
this week has been good. and bad. but mostly good.
i made a cd for my sister and sent it off to her, but i don't think she'll get it for another week or two cos she's on spring break. i hope she does get it and enjoys it. quite a lot of work went into that...

hmmm... monday was a cu social, which was great fun, we went for dinner at southpark (ie mexico) and then kersland (america).

placement this week was-honestly- long. tuesday i did lots of admin stuff, wednesday i just collected materials and did test runs of stuff.. nothing very exciting. thursday we had a meeting with lex, the guy who creates our publicity stuff re the next art workshop series- creative sensations! that was fun. then a pub lunch and more sorting and admin for friday workshops. friday the workshops went well, they were enjoyed by everyone although, interestingly, the older teachers understood and took on the ideas better than the four students on placement... saturdays HAC workshops were really good, the kids got well involved and interested, so thursdays meeting should be good.

wednesday night i had housegroup and i really didn't want to go. i just felt that i'd had a shit day and wasn't in the mood. i felt i should go, but i didn't want to. at any rate, in the end i went and i did have a really good night. we did a little thing on the five-step prayer guide for church, so that was cool, just nice and simple, not too hard to follow. and then we all prayed for each other. this was proper prayer... individually, we all sat in the "hotseat" and recieved prayer. it was mega. there were several points where i couldn't stay in position, i felt this like heavyness come over my body and just comfort and love going from me. while we were praying for jenny, a few of us laid hands on her and it was whilst doing that and praying that i felt that what i was saying was not my own words, but the holy spirit, and he was working through me. it was just really powerful. it got me crying a fair few times.

personally, the best part of it was when the group were praying for me, i told them that i was having a tough time with a few things but mostly with a situation. one of my friends is getting married soon-ish. he's a guy i've known for a year and a half. although it feels longer. anyway, when first we met, i thought there was a potential that this could develop into a relationship- more than friends- and there were occasions where that might have happened, however it never did. i'm very comfortable with him, but i decided about a year ago that it would be stupid to try and have a relationship with him. he's not a christian and i'm not sure we would really work as boyfriend and girlfriend.... anyway, that head decision was made and that was fine, we continued as friends. he had his heart broken more than once that year, but then he fell in love with this girl that he's known for a long time. and has always half loved. she's lovely. they are lovely together. but i can't get out of my head this insane weird jealousy thing. i guess i never really got over all this half-baked infatuation. anyway, i kinda explained all this and then they prayed for me. and it was like a weight off my shoulders. knowing that these people care. and that they understand.
jonny said that he'd had a feelingthat something like this might come up. very comforting to know that God is in control and prewarning people perhaps.
anyway, it was really good and i know that its not al going to happen at once, but its getting much better. i think because its been confronted and dealt with.

so that was cool. the flat party on friday was amazing. it was chocolatey and alcoholic and banterlicious. val came along and i haven't seen her in ages so that was absolutely awesome. we had a really good chat, all about boys and life and stuff. it was so good to talk to her. shes goingto come to the vineyard with me some day. and make me a book. i'm very excited.

today at church colin swopped me a defaced penny for a piece of chewing gum.. the swopping has started. catherine exchanged the gum for a pen, so colin has to now swop that for something even better... exciting, non?

this afternoon i ate beans on toast and watched "ray". it was really good. really really good. tonight i am going to go and watch music and lyrics with some of my girly friends.. yay!

in other news, my friend bob's ex girlfriend has turned up at my work.. how strange. we met once while they were dating, now i don't know whether to bring it up or not... hmm.

uhm.. i think thats everything that has been happening recently- OhYeah! Regina Spektor at the qm tomorrow night!!! woot!!!

i think i might buy a little notebook to go with my bible

2007-02-11T21:38:00.000Z

todays sermon was really good.. i enjoyed it muchly, hence, my notes:

learning to enjoy the people we have around us: phillipians 1.3-11 (check out the passage here)

+ be grateful for the good in people

*vs3 focusing on anything positive in your relationship

*actively choosing not to focus on the negative

*don't minimise any pain that has been caused however, instead choose not to dwell on it.

*remember loyalty

+ practice positive prayer

*vs4 pray with joy

*positive relationships come from positive defined prayer

*paul prays specifically a- for the church in philipi to abound in love, b- make wise choices, c- do the right thing, d- be fruitful in jesus (vs9-11)

+be patient with peoples progress

*vs6 jesus always completes what he starts- GOD is not finished with people

*learn to enjoy people as they are not as you wish they were.

*our mistake is to judge people on how far they've to go rather than how far they've come

+love from the heart

*react with heart knowledge not head knowledge

*we need to have understanding, to have that we need to listen, with our hearts

*love with GOD's infinite, unending love see romans 5.5 thats the secret, be filled with GODs love and it will spill out

don't you worry now

2007-02-10T16:55:00.000Z

ah, today has been long.
and hard.
the workshops i was at this morning were good, but i didn't really feel like there was much point in me being there. i couldn't really contribute much to the process. but it was good to see what all was happening.
then i got back, did a few wee bits of shopping, went to try and collect the end of my prescription, which i have been having hassle about for the last few weeks. i got something eventually. but it wasn't what i'd ordered. i was meant to have fresh bread, but instead i had vacuum packed part baked bread. which was fine and wouldn't have been a problem if i hadn't already had this problem from that pharmacy before and if i hadn't had to explain to several staff members during the last two weeks what i wanted. the pharmacist was very nice and apologetic, but because anything else would just have been too much hassle i took what they had. the frustrations of the day just started to get to me.
as i was making my lunch (cheese and beans on toast. i've decided i like beans again. in moderation.) using the last of the bread i baked last week, i sliced my finger open. the pain of that, combined with my earlier frustration just was the last straw, i just had to cry.
anyway, i got my lunch and then mr kohli came round to take away the heaters we don't need any more, could only take one with him, so is coming back for the others... and he promised us a new microwave :) result.

ach. it was ok, i just had a bit of a crummy day and i don't think the weather helped. by the way, "fourplay" is a pretty crap film. i only watched a quarter of it, but it wasn't gripping at all.

so i'm courried up in bed, getting warm.
this week has been odd and long. on wednesday housegroup was really good, then i went round to bobs to give him his birthday present and ended up not leaving til 2am. it was fun. thursday was long. the kids at myt were hyper about going to the theatre and then the bus broke. the show was really good though. friday was soo long but i got to see my mum, which was really good because i haven't seen her for a while and i miss her. and then after work i went to campus to see gemma on her birthday, so that was fun.

oh, yeah, kirsten came round earlier too so that was cool, had a wee chat.
man, i've eaten too much.

i some times wonder if i'll ever get married. i know a few people who are getting married this year/in the near future and a few couples who will, at some point in the not-too-distant future probably end up walking down the aisle and although i know its not something i want right now, i used to think that it was definite that i would get married anf have a family, but now i'm not so sure. much as i'd enjoy the companionship and enjoy a family, i'm not sure i see where they'll fit. thats a very selfish view, but thats honest. but then again, i don't want to be alone always- with god around i know thats not possible, but, d'ya know sometimes you just need a real person to give you a hug, by real i mean physically present. i'm not sure where i'm going with this, but i have to leave for work soon, so i'll leave you with these half-formed thoughts.

in the words of jo:
it’s a hard day, nothing is right
and the words “i need a hug” are hard to fight
when i’ve had my fill of the blue light
then your face is the sight for my sore eyes
for my sore eyes
but if i am me with you
the way i want to be with you
then you are sore whilst i am free
that doesn’t seem so fair to me
that doesn’t seem like grace
or beauty to me
beauty from me
when you are an echo underneath the bridge at night
i wonder if i may have hurt your eyes with all this light
so just say the word and i’ll try with all my might
to hide away ’till you feel alright
’till you feel alright
it’d be a hard day yes it would…
but better than a hard life

farewell

2007-02-04T22:27:00.000Z

i'm done.
read this article.

for some reason, it really just touched me. i think there is so much going on that i'm not really processing stuff at the moment. so, where today was really good, it was also a bit pants and one of my friends is feeling a bit rubbish and that just sunk in, and the fact that people i love have lost people and i've lost people and it all just sort of came together in the five minutes while i was reading that and after.

placement has been really hard work this week. hard to try and make friends and to be yourself and get to know people and fit into workshops and just to be... but its been a good learning curve. i hate admin stuff. but i'm going to have to deal with it. as long as i still get to work with people, i will be content. even better, if someone wanted to do all the organising and i could design the workshops and then run them.

i don't know if this is true, but i might be feeling worse about nicky this year than before. this march will be 3 years since she died. and its never been "easy" but it has been less prominent these last years. maybe because i don't see the folk who knew her and me then as much... but recent events have just brought that hurt back.

i think its going to be really strange going back to spring harvest this year. the last time i went, the first time i had ever been, was just after nicky died, while i was still kindof entangled in the whole gareth mess, so it was a cleansing and healing experience. i don't think i directly told anyone about either of these events, however, the times there were good.

i bought an album today called the yorkhill sessions which is a creation from the sessions Jo and Yvonne did in yorkhill over the last year or so with 4word and a few of the kids in the yorkhill sick childrens hospital. its a great cd, really honest in places and hurting and raw but hopeful too. and i wish that this was available for more children. i was speaking to jenny today about her day indundee yesterday, and she was saying that its always hard because her dad died in ninewells. which is where nicky died too, which i really thank god for because she had been so far away before that, and i would have hated for her to go so far away. but it has to be hard.

i watched elizabethtown today and i really really enoyed it. yes its all about death but its also all about hope, about second chances and about being real with people, being yourself and taking chances. i need to learn to do that more often, take a chance on someone.

i decided that tonight i would make a mixtape(erm.. cd) for my sister, back up my music and do other useful things, but guess what.. i've not. maybe later.. i have tomorrow off... so its relaxation time for suzi. yippee!

guten nacht.

sculpture, painting, print-making and felting

2007-02-01T13:59:00.000Z

next wednesday i get to make sand casts. its going to be great fun.
tomorrow i get to play around with animation.
next week i might end up visiting Sensation in dundee. maybe.
i am at work, yes, its true.
off to find some huge boxes now... toodle-pip

so come close and close your eyes

2007-01-28T19:53:00.000Z

Aisssssssssh. i'm not happy.
my computer just shut down and the post i had been writing for the last hour or so has been lost.
i hate posts that start like this, but i needed to tell you.
i'm not even going to try and recreate what i had originally said, it wasn't entirely interesting, the main highlights were: i've been working too hard, committing to too much, eaten something i shouldn't have and then suffering for it. other things related to the week, including bobs dads funeral on wednesday. the gig on wednesday night. my day today.

anyway. that was what i was talking about and i'm sorry it got lost, because it took time. i'm so wittering now.

and to see me made her awful sad and to touch me made her awful sad

(regina spektor oedipus)

i used to send this blog to a friend of mine called emily- as in each time i posted on it, she would get an email. i'm not sure why we started that, but we did, and then a while back i changed it so that if she wanted to read it, she'd have to come to the site. i guess it just felt weird to still be sending her those emails when we hadn't really talked in quite a long time.

i find it hard to ask questions.
i have lots of doubts and questions and things but i really don't know what to do, i can't even articulate them. i just.. find it hard at the moment. there are passages that i read in the bible that don't seem to make any sense or fot with the image we have of god, but then, what do i know of god? who am i to make him fit my mould?

i've had enough to break me in two, to tear me apart, what am i to do? what else can i do? so sing me a song, let me hum along, at the top of my lungs, i come undone, what else can i do? what can i do? (david crowder band b collision intro)

that song just came on pandora as i was writing those last words (who am i to...). fitting.
have i told you that i love pandora.com? (thanks debberina!) its awesome, i suggest you go there.

to be honest in some ways it feels like i could quite easily just come apart at the seams theres lots going on and its all interesting and exciting, but i'm really sad that i'm going to miss out on another five weeks of deelopment at maryhill. i really do enjoy the time there, getting to know the kids. i just feel like i need to prioritise, i need to get my head straight. i have so much to be grateful for... but somehow its not satisfying at the moment. i'm sort of mixed up and confused and not sure that trying to write it down is helping.

ok.

i feel like telling you a story, but i'm not really sure what to tell...

[insert story here]

i think i should go. i think i need an early(ish) night tonight.
good evening.

be still my heart this could a brand new start

2007-01-20T16:09:00.000Z

you should listen to "be still my heart" by the postal service.
ok, so this might be a bit of a confessional and a bit out of the blue, but what the hey. i think it should be said at some point.
you never know this could be a brand new start, i might actually let go of this now.
let me tell you a story.

this story begins with a girl. just your average scottish girl, not entirely sure if the faith she professes to is real, and being 16, is full of insecurities about herself and how people, boys (especially boys), girls, anyone sees her. one day, she recieves in her inbox a comment from a stranger who thinks she is "interesting". this piques her curiousity, how can a stranger think she is interesting- especially as the only evidence they have to go on is a pretty old msn spaces profile. nonetheless, the comment is there, so she replies, "why? and, by the way thats an old profile, i've changed a bit ;)" a conversation ensues, where it comes out that this stranger thinks she is the sort of person he would like to get to know. it also comes out that this stranger (lets call him -yes, him- Garry) is 29 years old. this doesn't put her off however, lets face it, an older man thinks she's interesting? who would give that up?

so the conversations progress, they text and email and instant message all the time, she begins to phone him, they talk most nights for an hour or so, discussing all sorts of things, aliens, religion, drugs, even sex. she tells him she is a virgin. he seems surprised. he still likes her though, he wants her to go to his house (just about an hours drive from her house) for the weekend, where they can drink and play strip chess and fall over. yes, really.

after a month or two Garry begins to ask when he can meet her, until now she's always been slightly evasive, even she recognises that there may be some element of danger in this, however, she does want to meet him, he's the most interesting person she's met in a long time. they eventually arrange to meet up one weekend, when she has to be in school anyway, so she meets him near there. they go for coffee and she discovers that its really easy to talk to and flirt with this guy, this damaged person who has never really followed his dreams, who was hurt by his parents, was damaged by finding out he was adopted and had to learn to love and trust again, yet, there is still nervousness. he offers to drive her home, and it takes a few nudgings before she accepts. she doesn't want to tell her mum, in her heart she knows that this isn't exactly a good situation. that afternoon, however she takes her courage in both hands and tells her mum. but she lies. she says that this guy is friends with her friends cousin. and that her friend went with her too. not that that makes it that much better. her mum is still worried about her and she tells one lady from her church, a trained councellor.

seperately from her mum talking to the councellor, another lady (shona, lets call her) who knows the family talks to the councellor about the girl. shona is known for being gifted with the holy spirit, she often is blessed in different ways. anyway, shona has a dream about the girl, in which she is given a word "predator". shona believes that there is a predatory force at work around the girl. shona tells the councellor, who passes this on to the mum. mum and dad discuss this and eventually, a few days later decide to talk to the girl about it.

during this same week, one of the girls friends dies. this friend, charlotte (as good a name as any) had cysitic fibrosis, and had had it ever since she was born. charlotte had been extremely lucky to make it as long as she did. the mum had gone to see charlotte and her mother and had told them about the girl and garry. charlotte was upset at this and told the mum not to letthe girl do that, because "she was far too beautiful". a day or two after that conversation, charlotte died. this was an emotional time for the girl, it was a monday morning when she found out and on the wednesday evening her parents decided to talk to her about the situation with garry. being good christian parents, they emphasised the fact that they thought it was the devil tempting the girl. this was hard for the girl to hear, she was upset about charlotte and needing the support garry was giving her, and also confused, she didn't feel she was enough of a christian to be worth bothering the devil. that talk didn't really resolve anything. the girl still made plans to meet garry again, this time with her friends around. the night of charlottes funeral. unsurprisingly her friends and garry didn't really get on that well. too much of an age gap, cultural differences... everything. the relationship cooled slightly over the next few weeks, but there was still almost daily contact.

the girl and her mum went to spring harvest that easter, about two weeks after charlotte died. during that week, the girl wasn't expecting to be able to get access to her email, but she still told garry to email her. she had a good time that week, making new friends, going to different talks and actually, for once really beginning to experience God. she made one friend, sam, who she learnt a lot from, how being different was ok- you didn't have to follow the crowd. he was important in helping her to be ok with herself. even if he didn't realise it. one night at the youth services, the teachers at the front asked people to come forward for prayer. the girl, realising she had to do something, went forward. she was prayed over and her mind was, for once at peace. that night, in her fold out sofa bed, she really prayed. she asked God to look after the situation with garry, to be in control. if it was his will that she be an instrument of truth in his life, then so be it, but if not, that was ok too.

in the car on the way home, she put on a del amitri cd, which started with the track "be my downfall". her mum asked how garry was. she answered, honestly, "i don't know". when she got home, there were no emails from him. she had recieved no texts from him. during the week, she had deleted all his texts and erased his numbers- that was how God was in control, if he contacted her, then it was for a reason. she heard from him once more, over a year later, she got an email through, a generic quiz type email that you pass round all your contacts. she didn't reply- what was there to say?

the last time she saw him was a year, almost to the day since the last time she had met up with him. he was walking along the main road near her school, she was on a study period and at the shop. they walked past each other. once he was past and looking in a window she recognised him. the experience shocked her. so badly she was shaking for about ten minutes, like seeing a ghost. to this day she doesn't even know if it was him or if he recognised her.... for a time, such important figures to each other and then... nothing.

what else is there to say?

wee-oo-wee-oh

2007-01-18T00:25:00.000Z

I've watched a lot of House recently. If you've never seen it, its this crazy american medical drama starring Hugh Laurie (with a very un-British accent) as the cynical detached pill-popping Dr House who always get the diagnosis. Its pretty addictive.

Anyway, I was thinking, as I watched this, that we are quite like that sometimes, always looking for the complex answer when sometimes (alright, admittedly never in House) the answer actually is the easiest one.

To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I've had a few conversations recently that have been really good, like yesterday I had a really good chat with a friend about life and especially about CU this year, which has been really encouraging, because it's always really hard to make decisions, especially ones that have consequences for more people than just yourself. So deciding to take on a role in CU this year has been a big issue. For ages I wasn't sure I would be any good, or would be fired up about it, but some people have just been encouraging, about me personally, the gifts and talents they see me bringing to groups and about how the experience will make me grow. So that has all been good. It's been encouraging to hear from people what they think of me, how they've seen me grow, because I find it very hard to gauge how I have actually grown, what I have learnt and put into practice.

The episode of House I was just watching was all about a doctor who has been working in Africa for the last twenty years treating TB and who had caught the disease- as well as having a tumor on his pancreas. Anyway, he was adamant that he didn't want the TB treatment until more medicine was promised to his practices in Africa. He seemed selfless. He knew how to work the media, he was a bit of a charmer. And it struck me that we can all be a bit like that, we want, supposedly to help other people, but how much is it about helping ourselves? This man, in the last scene, as he was leaving hospital to goo back to Africa was, once again, surrounded by camera crews. He was at home there. Yes, he was all noble and saving lives, but he loved the attention it generated him, whereas House couldn't care less what people thought of him, as long as he ended up doing the right thing and treating the patient. I want to be more like House, not caring what the world thinks, neither when they hate me, nor- harder- when they love me. It's such a hard thing to do, to not judge yourself by the worlds standards, by what theythink you should be doing, how much you should be earning, whatever. I need to learn to judge myself by Gods standards, what he thinks of me. It's hard. I'm still learning.

This was a bit disjointed.. sorry.

calling all angels

2007-01-13T23:07:00.000Z

well, its been an interesting two days. little frustrated at how much i have to take home to glasgow and how little space i actually have. i am so so so not looking forward to moving out of my room, ever.. so much junk. unreal.
anyway. today was nice.mostly just on my own, with my dog for company. was making tea for my parents- their christmas gift. so i made a fragrant thai green curry and a fresh cocnut, tomato and cucumber relish-y thing. oh and polenta cake for after. it was nice. they were off at the team leaders day all today.

yesterday evening i got a call from dawn, to let me know that Bob's dad had just died. he had a heart attack. unexpected. nick- bobs brother is still in china. amy- bobs sister has two small boys who aren't going to know their grandpa as they get older than this.
I barely knew mr rafferty, but he seemed like a really nice guy, he loved his son, was at pretty much every gig taking photos. anyway. its very sad. and i feel for bob. but its funny, dawn is so concerned about me- needs to make sure i'm ok- i've not been bereaved, not this time anyway- that was october, when granny died. anyway.

i'm not sure i fully worked through all the emotions around granny dying- everything just happened so fast. there was so much going on. mum got a bit upset yesterday, she still has things to sort out and i think she does get a bit lonely being in the house on her own- both meggie and i have moved out and dad quite often has to go on business trips and shes just found herself a bit cut loose from her old way of life, including granny and pharmacy- which she has officially retired from now... how scary.

i was just thinking today, what would i do if i lost my dad? i really feared for a while when jenni was meeting me to tell me about granny that it might have been mum or dad and they'd been bitten on the boat or something, i was so scared. and it made me miss them so much more while they were away. i never usually miss them this much, but i was scared and alone and grieving. and i know that this isn't nice, but its true - i don't think i would have been as sad if it had been my other gran- that is such a horrible thing to say, but i think its only because i don't know them that well. whereas granny was part of my weekly life in newport. i picked her up in the little yellow car on a sunday, mum and i took her shopping in marks on a wednesday when i was home and free, i teased her, i laughed with her, i got frustrated with her, i just knew her as well as a granddaughter could. and ok i wasn't the best granddaughter, but she accepted me as i was.

and i can't imagine what my mum went through and what bob and amy and nick are going through, i don't want to lose my dad ever. and i know it will happen one day, but i don't want to think about it, because it would mean my mum was on her own. and i don't know how jan copes. its been over a year since she lost iain, since jules and jenny lost their dad and i don't know how they cope with it. but i know that god is in control and we just have to take it one day at a time and pray for the safety of our loved ones.

second thoughts on church

2007-01-05T23:58:00.000Z

i was also going to tell you about my church at home. about how there is a really vibrant youth group and youth worker, an awesome fairtrade cafe, a lovely building, and a congregation whos needs are not being fulfilled by a minister who is more worried about what the news is saying that what God is trying to say to him. thats not to say that the minister is completely hopeless, he was a very good minister for many years, but there have been so many trials associated with the parish that he's been disillusioned and needs to recoup. i'm not trying to run him down, or out, but he deserves prayer. and guidance.

that was a bit of a random after-post-thought. anyhoo, i shall leave you to your lives.

church

2007-01-05T23:11:00.000Z

first of all, check out this because it was this article that got me thinking about the subject.

i've been thinking about church a bit recently. i had a chat with my friend prim a couple of weeks ago, because she'd stopped going to church for ages, she was having a tough time spiritually etc and she'd decided to trythe church that her godmother goes to, (i don't know how she's getting on, we're overdue for a coffee...) because it was supposed to be really good at doing community which is what prim needed. anyway, she knew it would be hard.

it was around that time that i was thinking about maybe changing churches, worried that i was only there for a few people, because i knew people going there- basically, it appeared a pretty "cool" church, and i was worried i was being too shallow. ha. is it not enough that we know we sometimes go to church because we want to speak to people we like, we want to sing worship with a great band. but how much does that matter? as long as, at the end of it all, the purpose and the people are there to worship God.

i went to debs church a couple weeks after that. and i did enjoy myself. but it wasn't home. the people weren't my people, not because they weren't "cool" enough, the songs weren't mine, not because i didn't know them (which i didn't, but thats ok) but because i didn't know these people. they didn't know me. i know, if i went for a couple of weeks, people would know me and they are very friendly, lozzle and cath and i went for lunch with two boys from church- alright cath and lozzle knew them quite well anyway, but it was the gesture. the thing is, i have begun to build community with the people i go to church with. i am involved in various projects outside of sunday morning, i have a housegroup now. that one was hard work. i couldn't quite shake off the feeling that i wasn't old enough to go to housegroup, but once i got there and began to work at forming relationships, it got better. like i said to b the other night, (on googlemail chat..)

b- so is housegroup going good 4 u?
me- its different- you know how you go into some things with ideas and perceptions about how that should be, well, i kinda did and its not neccessarily been like that, which has been more of a struggle than i'd thought, but yeah, its good, there are a nice mix of people and they all bring different things, so thats cool.
b- yeah i guess its hard not to have some preset ideas....you can have NO thoughts on something right? but then its also hard when things change
but great you can see how everyone contributes something different
me- indeed, but in this case, although i wasn't much enjoying it to start, it is getting better, more people have joined us and the group is beginning to have its own dynamic.
yeah, its nice to know you do contribute something...

it was hard at the start, i went every week and kinda sat there, thinking, i'm only really here because my its at my friends house... and i guess i was kinda lax about the whole thing. but this year, since i started second year, its gotten a lot better. a few more new people have joined us, we've kinda bonded better. its strange because i did navs last year and my group were awesome. all the girls i studied with each week just brought so much, so many questions, so many fears, ideas, goals, dreams.. just amazing people and it was such a priviledge to share life with them (if any of you ever read this, i really do love you guys.) through all the hard times and some awesome times. and even though our group is no more, i know that at least some of those relationships will last the test of time. and i went into housegroup wishing for the same thing, truly and thats not going to happen.

i also worry about one of my friends. i just fear that she isn't leading the life God truly wants for her, that she has made some bad decisions and is too attached to the world. i so don't want to sound judgemental, or hypocritical, because i know that i have not done any better, have made some of the same mistakes... i just need to pray for her, truthfully. i don't know what else to do or say.

well, this started out about church and kinda veered off point a little, but hey.
will leave you with this i think:

I will pray for you now for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I could not ask for more than what you’ve already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me

May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall come crashing down around your feet

May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater each stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride

What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the one who made us
And see him smile when life is through

May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they’d be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see

May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you’d learn to trust the plan he has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true

I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I’ll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me.

(kendall payne)

giving with no expectation of return

2007-01-02T22:24:00.000Z

hmmm.
i was siting in my room trying to get myself motivated to do some work (yup, didn't happen) and i got an email, so i thought i'd go through y emails, delete some maybe.. anyway, i came across all the ones i'd saved from one of my best friends in the last few years of school. i love my friends from school, but me and jen were really close. i think i told her just about everything. she knew how i felt about nicky, mostly about gareth and everything else in between. we would just send each other these random emails for no reason other than we had nothing else to do. with roz it wasn't quite the same, we were really close, but she was more of the long rambly email type and much as i love her, she's not jen. the saddest thing is that even back then, there was so much angst, gill was being needy and didn't know how to tell us. i don't really want to drag up old dirt, its really not worth it, but i think we all got really hurt by gill and jonny and i'm not saying it was their fault, i think it was two way. i know i didn't make enough effort. at the time i was just so wrapped up in myself that i didn't really want to get all that involved and have to put in so much effort. but i should have and not doing it hurt all of us i think.

even though there were bad times and we grew apart, i still love these guys, and i spent new year with them, and it was different but it was good. i still find it takes us a while to get back into the swing of it. i feel sad that we've grown apart so much over the year and a half we've all left school. both roz and jen kinda spent last year drinking as much as possible and doing all those student things. which is cool, but because i, although being a student too, haven't been drinking til i puke, or going out with lots of people or whatever, i feel we've lost some of our common ground. i just haven't seen them that much, and i supose i don't make it any better by not coming home or visiting much, but i guess i just wanted to invest in glasgow. it has been, since first year, my home. i don't want to feel that i'm losing these relationships that did mean so much to me, but i don't want to compromise myself.
hopefully it'll all work out. i'm not giving up yet anyway.

ramble ramble ramble.

take a look at me now

2007-01-02T18:36:00.000Z

well, Happy New Year....
do hope people had a lovely hogmanay and are enjoying the start of this lovely new year.
a few resolutions:
1- to be more honest with people generally, and myself i guess
2- to eat less chocolate and more fruit (yeah, yeah, but i'll do it.)

er, thats all i thought of so far.
oh, but this is important and not really a new years resolution so much as a resolution- to do my best to spend 10 minutes min every day studying scripture etc. thats the plan.

just been perusing the old posts on this- i was quite open here for a while. there were things i hid, but mostly i wasopen. so maybe this should be part of that. i know less people read this than maybe once did and thats a good thing too i guess, there shouldn' really be any censorship. also i changed the url recently, so some people will have fallen off the map- ie my mum. not that i mind her reading this but.. i guess i do. i guess i'll just have to email them more often so they know whats going on...

in that spirit of open-ness, still unsure as to who might ever read this, might give you a little run down of my year. no pictures cos this is the wrong computer, and i'm not that great with the whole photoblogging thing, but hey ho. so this year... well, strted off in st andrews with friends to see in the new year, january to march was lots of work at uni, we had team project to plan and deliver, which was awesome but hard work. march through may was placement, assistant cooking at camp, uni work, assignments, organising a ceilidh... june was more ceilidh prep, my 19th birtjhday, a bit of time to relax- but not much. july brought more challenges- two camps, one as a group leader of five awesome girlseach with so much spirit and wildness and love and compassion and need. the other as the cheif cook for a camp i'd ben a camper at the year before. the time before that second camp was spent planning, ordering, crying, healing. spent some time in the new flat generally being a bum and not really living for anyone but me. too much wine, a ciggarette or ten are all not good ways to spend your summer if you're me. so, september saw an attempt at a fresh start, but without the vital ingredient- reliance on god, was trying to make it happen all on my own. freshers week, MYT, a gig many things to do at uni were all encompassed in that semptember and october. sooo busy. meggie left for the states at the end of august. october, mum and dad went to peru, granny died, i went to see meggie in new york. had my bag stolen, lost money, had to traipse through the embassy just to spend more of other peoples money on a temporary passport, had a great weekend otherwise, saw RENT. came home, dived right back into the busy-ness of life. november, expired. more to do for MYT, more work, less busy-ness, pace slightly calmed. december, qiter,shopping, secret santa, a flat family christmas, which was beautiful. awesome carol service. an important decision. long conversations with b and nomes, good chat from sarah, the ginger german leaves the flat for 2 1/2 months- very sad. christmas.

brings us up to january 2007. where i do hope to do better. but not by myself. aim to live with and for the Lord. know it will be hard, but hope to be stretched, questioned, challenged. start reading velvet elvis with sarah. go on placement. really hope to be useful.

looks to be a good year though. this is the year that i turn 20. amazing how time flies.

wishing you every blessing for 2007.... :)

7 years old

2006-12-26T18:41:00.000Z

My cousin has just left.
during the day, he managed to tickle me and my sister senseless, arrange many many attacks on uncle niall, get himself covered in mud, fall asleep on my knees, eat lots of stew, open lots of presents and generally be the cutest cousin ever. he has perfect manners too, fi and john have trained him well.

he is very cute.

you have to wonder why we can't all be like little children, ready to let go and be noisy and fall asleep when we need to and invite everyone that we love to our birthday parties and be so excited at the prospect of a gift, love giving hugs, plan multiple attacks on family members with 99p toys...

he lives in london, so i don't see him all that often and i do remember him being a tiny baby (which seems inconceivable now that he's seven -and weighs four stone, as he proudly told me whilst walking on my feet, so excited to go and take midge for a walk to the beach where we weren't allowed to take the boring path, we had to go down through the rocks and over the seaweed in all the mud.) and he's gotten so big now. i wish i was seven years old again. he just got the roald dahl books on cd for his christmas. i would (still) love that as a present! (hint hint ;) ... )

ah, he's just very sweet. but still even at that age he's been corrupted by the world. we walked up past the tay bridge, past some shrubbery that, when it was spring or summer spelt out FIFE. i spelt that, (f, i, f, e, so what does that spell?) and he said it spelt fucking. i was actually quite shocked, this beautiful little boy with his english accent saying that. so when he didn't stop, dad and i had to ignore him for a bit. it took all of a minute before he was saying, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, please forgive me, " and all it took to let him know he was forgiven was to include him in the next conversation and laugh at his jokes and cheer him on. it was forgotten that we'd ever fallen out. so simple. but so sad that he has that in his vocabulary already.

anyway, that was my ramble. happy boxing day.

lonely soul

2006-12-25T23:15:00.000Z

well, its christmas day evening, the turkey was cooked, eaten and enjoyed, presents were exchanged, the childrens talk at church was too long, but thats a story for another day.

its been, mostly, a good christmas, yes, we were missing j and granny (j chose to stay in glasgow) but aside from that.

yesterday wasn't entirely full of christmas cheer, mum and i both got a bit stressed, about the same kinda subject- cleaning. my g'parents are down from granite city for the holidays, which means i'm sharing with the littlest sherriffs, and the g'parents get my room. which is fine. i'm used to giving up my room, or parts of it, christmas wouldn't be christmas if i wasn't sleeping on a matress on the floor at least one night. however, because the g'parents would be in my room, i had to make sure it was uber tidy- by my standards it was pretty damn tidy, but that wasn't enough and i do understand why- mum has never felt entirely comfortable around the g'parents, so everything has to be as clean as poss, which gets her stressed because she thinks she'll be judged and doesn't want us to feel judged too, which i get. we are more similar than you might think. anyway, i had to clean because they were coming, which i felt a little resentful of, but not really at mum, more at them- why can't they just accept that i will always be a bit messy. anyway, i was in a bit of a strop and took it out on everyone else by being less than friendly and quiet and dismissive. by this point i was taking rubbish out to the wheelie bins, walked past mum, who said sometjing like "thankyou" i acknowleged it way too quietly, slammed the door (unintentionally, mostly) too hard and was generally a moody cow. stalked back to my roomto cry in the dark, but mum came in in tears, annoyed and upset that i'd slighted her- which i hadn't meant. we had a half enunciated crying argument, where i tried to explain i wasn't mad at her, just at myself and stuff and she said we were more alike than we realised and that she always felt she hadn't measured up as a daughter in law. but that i had always measured up for her and she didn't want anyone judging me.

so its been a mixed blessing this year.

merry christmas

i would be, i should be, so near

2006-12-21T23:19:00.000Z

update: i have written one essay.
i (almost) saw two friends bands in two different venues in one night (i missed the first band because i got out of work too late, but i heard the last song through a call to erin as i was walking down the road)
i locked myself out of 25kersland for the first time this year
i got called a boy by a customer at work (er, have you had your eyes checked recently?)
i played rather a lot of mario-party in the last week

its been a good week.

mmmmmmmmmmmm.. smoothie

2006-12-18T14:40:00.000Z

i bought cranberries yesterday because they were cheap and today i ate cranberry pancakes (with bacon and maple syrup, yum) and now cranberry, banana and orange smoothies (with some vanilla yoghurt and raspberry tea, yum yum.)

its a good day.

except for the essays. gargh.

the moment i said it

2006-11-30T23:31:00.000Z

you should read this blog because he has a lot of good things to say and frequently says all the things i would love to think about, had i the time or was that sort of thinker.

won't you come and say if you know the way

the world we have created for ourselves is so full of censure. we

aaaaaaagh. i don't know what i'm trying to say.

sorry. i think i'll just go sit in a corner.

why why why oh god why

2006-11-20T00:12:00.000Z

tonight was awesome in so many ways, i was at the evening service at church and kevin (?) one of the worship leaders was doing the talk/teaching and it was on worship (surprisingly enough) and it was just awesome. we did a few wee excercises, like meditation and writing down stuff and then we just sang and praised and it was awesome, and what was going through my head the whole time was "why"? why did nicky have to die why did granny have to go when she did why do i have to continually doubt you why did you do so much for us why did i make such amazing friends why would you go through so much pain why do you care for us why are you so amazing why why why why why why
but i couldn't escape the fact that god does love me so much that he'd give his only son for me and he'd go through that suffering and seperation and make that sacrifice for me (and you and you and you) and it was just like a big hug an amazing thought feeling emotion. so i was standing there barely able to sing through the tears just feeling so loved and secure and it was awesome i haven't felt that good in gods presence for a while so it was a homecoming of sorts. i think things are going to get a lot better here on in.

(sorry for lack of punctuation, but i was too "in the flow" to stop and punctuate and now i don't feel like it.)

Halloween

2006-10-31T17:14:00.000Z

happy halloween

today is my friends birthday, he is officially the spawn of satan :) but in a lovely way. wayhey.

tonight i'm going to get all dressed up and go on the razzamatazz.. woo hoo.

it'll be fun. :)

have a good old night everyone.

my life... is a mess

2006-10-14T22:51:00.000Z

i am in NY right now. in the youth hostel we're staying at, having just seen RENT (amazing by the way) which my sister paid for, on the internet (which my sister paid for) with a new bag at my feet (which my sister paid for) sensing a theme here?

I've gotta make a call to the consulate soon (which my sister'll pay for) because i got my bag stolen yesterday. yes, thats right, within an hour of being in this fair city, i got my bag (passport, visa, drivers license, bus pass, ipod and all) stolen. the police her are very nice though, even though i did keep crying at them.. and am blatantly a tourist.

well, whats done is done, i can replace all that stuff, its not that big a deal, it just sucks. i have another day and a half here, so i'll still enjoy myself. though i am soooo tired....

if we only had a moment to ourselves

2006-10-12T21:50:00.000Z

ok, so its been a while since i updated this, but life has been crazy, to be honest. i've had so much to do in the last month that i just haven't stopped and i'm meant to be flying out to see my sister in the morning.. do i think i'll sleep.. mmmm, not much, eh.
so, whats been going on? well, i had freshers to do, which was crazy, but good fun, it was a kinda yeesh, i hhaven't stopped, but thats ok, i'm crazily tired and yet past the point of wxhaustion, so i'll just sit here and talk to random freshers. i think i've made a friend for life in one of the 1st years baca students. nice lad. what a gentleman. but hey.

then came the start of term, during this whole time though, i was filming with MYT my wednesday afternoon drama grou- they have all matured so much, and are doing such good work, its incredible. onyhoo, so this is going on, five days a week, i have classes, homework, lectures, its all a bit crazy. it kinda continued in this vein for a while, my parents left for peru, to go on the amazon hope and do medical supply stuff and what have you and then we get some shocking news.

my granny died monday of last week, she was 85 and two days away from her 86th birthday, in fairly good health- getting old, and forgetful but not ill or anything and in st serfs for two weeks while mum and dad were away. i was shocked. i still am i suppose. i had to phone meggie and tell her. the funeral was yesterday (wednesday) and it was good. Granny was Brethren, so there were all these women in hats (including me) and we were in this little hall in whiteinch, where granny used to worship. it was a nice service, we sang psalm 23, the lords my shepherd and then how great thou art. it was nice. there were loads of older people there who i didn't know, but who knew me... or had heard of me. i was the only one there from my immediate family, mum snd dad being in peru and meggie in the states, so that was strange, but it was good too, i suppose.

it was nice to see so many people turn out for the funeral, she was dearly loved in her community in glasgow and she never really settled into life in newort. but i will miss her. i'll miss teasng her and having fun with her, with her constant repetition of the same question, with the way she would slap my hand when i was making fun of her and laugh at me. its strange to think she's gone. but really, she is in a better place, thats what she believed and thats what i believe.

so thats my life... heading out to see meggie in about 9 hours time. yikes, i should get some sleep....

bon voyage!

2006-08-26T09:03:00.000Z

Meggie left for america yesterday.
its such a weird feeling, knowing that your little sister has left the country for the best prt of ten months and is going to have a great big adventure without you and all you're doing is going back to uni.. not that thats not an adventure r whatever, don't get me wrong, i love my course and i love all the people i've met and made friends with, so i'm glad i've done what i'm doing, but still... feels like you missed the boat somewhere along the line.

anyhoo.. thats what shes doing and its all good, she's going to have an amazing time and one i'm finished this degree i'm going to go off to outer mongolia or somewhere and do community arts with them, so nyah. :)

I'm in love...

2006-07-27T22:29:00.000Z

.. with 'firefly'.
it's fluffin amazin'!
I sat for 6 hours straight watching the first two disks and only stopped cos it was past 2am and i decided i wanted to save some for the next day...
flip, it was awesome!
when's season two out???
c'mon firefly!!! :)
yay!

when it rains it pours

2006-07-17T09:15:00.000Z

and it has certainly been pouring in my flat recently.
the ceiling has caved in in part of debbies room, as a result of a leak from upstairs... so that was really fun to have to deal with, more so because i was shattered from camp and just wanted to sleep... but hey, it's done now.

was at camp last week, it was good, challenging, exhausting, but good. i learnt alot from some of the campers, and hopefully they learnt something too.
I got to make a felt scarf, which was awesome, it was really realy good fun!

uhm, so this has been a short update, but i really need to shower and take the dog out for a walk and then do some work- i have two weeks left to finish organising myself for cooking at camp. yeeesh.

and i found grace enough today

2006-05-16T15:21:00.000Z

as the more astute of you may have noticed, most of my recent post titles are also song lyrics. fair enough, they are mostly quite obscure tracks.. but still. So, I decided, spur of the moment like, that instead of even contemplating doing more of my essay (MUST GET THAT DONE!!!!) I would talk for a while about some of my favourite songs. helped along the way by my trusty iPod.

In no particular order:

If I Fall by alice martineau. This is a beautiful song- one that was played at nicky's funeral and still reminds me of her, but in a good way.. "memories of a little girl, in my perfect world, don't cry..."

Walk Away by ben harper. a beautiful song that demonstrates how hard it is to walk away from those that ypu love, but it has to be done. one that i heard for the first time in glasgow, and has good connections with that time. its a lovely song. "too many people to love in my life, tell me, why do i worry about one?"

two songs: Girl in a Tower and Orion both written and performed by my friends el dog. both songs are lovely in their own ways. I have great respect for these guys and they write lovely songs. make me think of spending afternoons with bob just drinking tea and chatting. first time i met them, we had the randomest chats ever. it was great fun, and its been fun since then. they're so lovely.

If We Are The Body by casting crowns. the song is just a challenge to me in my faith. i need to remember that we are the body of christ (and i know a lot of you don't believe and i'm not trying to weird you out here, thi is just what i think right now) and if i am to be an effective member, i need to be reaching out and living my life in that way. its good, i've found folk in glasgow who do challenge me that way, and i'm growing.

Roundabout by the cellars. "well, this isn't easy and although i'm shaking" a lovely little band i saw in aikmans just before i left st andrews for glasgow. it kinda sums things up really. yeah, was a bit scary moving to glasgow, it was a "blend of youthful exuberance and ... its such a hopeful mix" but it was also one of the best things i've done. i just like this song.

End of an Anchor and Vindicated by dashboard confesional. beautiful songs. also As Lovers Go (Ron Fair Remix). I quite like this band all in all. "this is easy as lovers go, so don't complicated it... i said i gotta be honest i've been waiting for you all my life" feels like i've found some of the friends i've been waiing for in glasgow. thats not to say that io don't love and appreciate the friends i have in fife already, i really do, we've been through so much together and no-one can really replace that kind of amazing friendshps, but as i've grown up and into myself this past year, i've made some really interesting and strong friendships in glasgow. "i am vindictated, i am selfish, i am wrong i am right.. i am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well"

Foreverandever Etc... by the david crowder band. as well as the whole of Sunsets & Sushi (Experiments In Spectral Deconstruction) because it is a magnificent remix album. david crowder just has a way of expressing everything i want to say when i'm talking to God, but can't really find the words to say. its beautiful music.

hey! by david murray. what a corker. this is a track by a guy from my church, it features on the album, subject to change which was created by glasgow westend vineyard. such a gorgeous song... it just expresses his lost ness and loneliness and how he was pulled out of that "don't be alarmed, i'm ok, big G caught me just in time, said stop beautiful, don't you know you're a miracle of mine"

Be My Downfall by del amitri. what else can i really say? it characterises a certain period of my life and although i'm not proud of it it happened and it shaped me in some subtle ways. but other than those connotations, in its own right, this is a lovely song, as are all the rest of the del amitri songs.

Sing a New Song by emmaus. "yeah, the sun will shine again, the food will taste fine again the tears will be wiped from every face upon the earth"

Love Is Strange by everything but the girl. "love, love is strange, many people take it for a game, once you've had it you're in an awful fix, cos after you've had it, you never wanna quit" i can't say it better than that.

Portuguese Skies by jo mango. actually, the whole album is lovely. the songs speak for themselves really. this is slightly melancholy and that rings true.

nooks by king creosote. this reminds me of summer two years ago. study leave at the end of fifth year actually. not because i listened to it a lo at that point, but because emily gave it to me on a cd and i spent a lot of my time with her. so it reminds me of anstruther. i love the song in itself other than that anyway, it has many resonances...

i won't take up much more of your time, i promise...

Homesick by the kings of convenience. what an awesome band and a stonker of a track. it reminds me of certain nights out and certain people- just the lyrics of it. its a classic. (ps, thanks for introducing me to the album gordon!)

Less Than Love by the normals. its a very true song. shared it recently with a good friend of mine who was having a bit of a rough time re girls etc etc, one in particular was messing up his head, so we just sat in my room and drank tea and chatted and i made him listen to this song, i sent him the lyrics to it and it was good. its a good song.

Wedding Day by rosie thomas. this is an artist with the most beautiful songs ever. bittersweet and perfect.

Can I Stay Here Forever? by starfield. this song reminds me of myself in so many ways. there is a longing in it and i identify with so many bit of it. i've been in those situations, torn myself to pieces over some guy, been ridiculous about relationships, deserted God, gone my own way, but i have come back and this just captures that kind of search. its beautiful.

Drops Of Jupiter by train. what a cool song. i just love it. it makes me smile, it makes me cry. i love the whole album.

Love and also Run To by yvonne lyon. another artist from my church, she has a gorgeous voice and she uses it well. her lyrics are beautiful.
i'll leave it there.

love, love is a flood of torn tears and love will carry you home. love that loves for beauty's sake will soon as beauty die.

frozen

2006-04-18T17:34:00.000Z

i felt the urge to write a blog this evening, but i don't know what about. and i don't actually have time to do it properly, so i will come back to it after navs. and thats a promise.

*a week or three later*

er, well, i guess I didn't really keep that promise.
sorry.

was at home last weekend, saw alex after her op, she seems to be doing well. really wanted to take a trip to balmerino, but then couldn't, time etc contstraints.

anyway, i've finished all my essays for monday and after that i just have one more to do, which i will do very soon. so i'm very happy about all these things :)

off to meet nomy for coffee. hope you all have lovely productive days! :)

Do not tell me what i can and cannot do when i rock

2006-03-30T13:34:00.000Z

saw Jo Mango last night- she was rocking pretty hard! YAY! Go JO!
WE're getting a flat!!!!
the deposit goes down today!!!!!
i'm so EXCITED!

thats all.

an austrian went yodelling...

2006-03-27T22:22:00.000Z

wo, its been a while since i updated this.
I do apologise.
Just been an open mic night at sleazys. it was really good, but there were several types of performers:

1 the guys you don't think on first appearances should be there, but then give really stonking performances (we had some amazing gospel songs from a fairly unusual candidate.)

2 the emo guys who give really heart searing performances and kinda fit into the background but have no banter and take themselves just a little too seriously sometimes

3 the extroverts who know they like the stage and give you a bit of banter as well as a great song

4 this one really cute slightly confused canadian guy, who was just soooo extraordinarily pleased about everything and who you just wanted to hug.

5 one or two performers who held the mic too close for the high notes and wrecked the enjoyment.

but without a mix of these people the nigt might well have bummed. its crazy, there are some real regulars at this night and they're all good and obviously well liked and then there are some newcomers, but theres a real buzz around the place, althoug everyone respects whoever is on stage and the room pretty much shuts up to listen to them. its ace. and they give out free marshmallows! i'm loving that it has to be said.

So anyway, i reckon i should head to bed. gotta be up and out for 8.15 tomorrow!

empty hands

2006-03-02T20:05:00.000Z

i dislike technology sometimes. iTunes doesn't want to play properly atm. blehhhh.
today was frustrating. we had a drama rehearsal scheduled for this morning, which, the hope was, everyone would turn up for and participate in. they didn't.

there were the five of us doing the workshop, then two others in the second drama group and about four other people. some people sat out (they were ill, it was ok) people came, but left to do other things.. aargh. it just wasn't fun. and the team project was draining and just blugh. then i relaxed for about twenty minutes after several phone calls to the school etc etc, checked my emails, loads of crappy ones, one quite nice one, which i actually forwarded (thats unusual btw. i don't particularly like forwards or send them often, but i'll make exceptions.) before i ran off to tea, ate my dinner in five minutes flat, went to a rather dull and pointless course comittee meeting where none of my lecturers attended (they're all in spain or something) so it was pointless pointless pointless.

and i've just been sitting around my room now. not really doing much. i should start on my essay's. think i'll start them after this.

yesterday was fun though. i went into town, spent too much money, went to the drama group at maryhill, which was really really funny, met nomy for coffee, ate some rather nice stew, went back into town, met bob, walked to his flat, had a cup of tea and went home. fell asleep. it was nice.

hope you're all doing well.

i'd recommend reading a million little pieces by james frey.

have fun.

ps i'm looking forward to the weekend when folk are coming up to glasgow.. woooooo:)

We're the pirates who don't do anything

2006-02-21T09:26:00.000Z

Pete is now bald. He raised £3000 for charity (half to the church windows fund, the other half to the Yorkhill Schiehallian Childrens Cancer ward) in one big haircutting session. A pretty expensive haircut to be honest...

I have a cold.

I went to bobs after work on saturday night abd sat around his kitchen table drinking tea and smoothies and talking, mostly to Johanna and Matt, who ar actually hilarious. I was in stitches. And my tummy hurt from too much laughing by the end of the night. All in all, it was a good night.

Friday night, me and my navs girls did some baking and then stood outside the QMU from 1am to 3am giving out free coffee and tea and baked goods. it was really good fun. We got some totally random conversations, but it was all good.

So today I'm cooking for the girls. Well, Nicky and I are.

Have you ever heard the same kind of thing several times from several sources? recently, I've heard lots of sermons, discussions and notices about serving. Especially service to the poor or needy. It's not smething I would have automatically have thought of in connection with me, but it sometimes feels like God is pushing me that way.

I got up an hour before I had to this morning because I wanted to take photos for class. and I've done that now, but that only took like five minutes.. so I've been bumming around my room with nothing to do for ages.

I think I'm going to leave now. I think I'm going to lunch with Jo next sunday. should be good.

Good night.

I am letting myself go, I am letting myself go.

2006-02-10T11:44:00.000Z

so, to continue the phone recovery story, Kendra had locked her phone in her room and gone to town. she then phoned me to try and get into her room and retrieve it. I couldn't do that unless she phoned Raj. Which she did so I got her phone. and thats that.

so for the rest of wednesday, I went to Byres road to give a woman a badge that I was fixing for her. I completed Bob's birthday present, and wrapped it up, I went on to the project at Maryhill which was great, I picked up Tara from the train station, ate dinner in a really nice little italian bistro cafe thing, went to the el dog gig and then came home again. All in all, it was a really good day.

Yesterday, I went to class and took Tara to the bus, got the night off work and went round to Bobs for an el dog meal. it was really nice, it was just the band, jo, gail, ronnie and me, so it was cool. Bob got a dance mat for his birthday from alan and jim so that was the main highlight of the evening, i suck at the dance mat, completely, i got like 37,000 points, whereas calum got 207,500. so you can see how much better the drummer is than me. good food good chat, in general a really good night.

so today i woke up and was all ready to go to dance (if a bit grudgingly) when i get to the tom bone building and find that our class has been cancelled, due to illness. so thats not good. at any rate we have a team project meeting and write out a quick proposal, in order to send it off to the primary schools we are hoping to work with. so at least something good came from it all.

this afternoon I'm off to meet my mum and sister in town, do a bit of shopping or something. have coffee.. the usual. so that should be good. then its off to work... boo hooo. it should be fun. well.. anyway.

so thats my plan. tomorrow, think i've got the day off and am just working the evening shift, so i don't know what i'll do all day... sunday, i might be popping over to larbert forthe morning, Pete is cutting off his dreads for charity so i think i'll go see that. coffee with nomy in the evening, unless roz wants to go to the johnathan rice gig... we'll see. at any rate it'll be monday morning soon enough and another round of team project. woopdedoo.

hope you all have enjoyable weekends.

well, if music died, i don't think i'd survive

2006-02-08T12:05:00.000Z

ho hum.

yesterday, the weather was miserable, i had a annoying morning, in that i left all my notes for a class in the room afterwards and was half way to town before i realised. not supposed to be back there til next tuesday, but i suppose i should go try get them back.. grrrrr. oh yeah and then i locked myself out of my room, but the cleaners let me back in, so that was fine. anyway, i then met Bob at 1.47 at the buchanan galleries. we walked (the really long and confusing way) back to jordanhill in the pouring rain. both soaked to the skin. so i abandon him to the tea room at scotstoun to read his book while i go for an induction to the gym. which was fine. long, but good. came back to mine and Bob drank some of my free whisky. not that he likes whiskey, but hey. it was fun.

then i had navs, which was lovely and we all ate far too much chocolate.

so now i'm sitting here with nothing to do til around 1.30 uh, ok, now i have a mission.. to try and get into kendras room and get her phone.. off to find a cleaner..

Shout to the North and the South

2006-01-22T23:19:00.000Z

so today has been a little eventful. In a good way.

Laura and I both dyed our hair, I'm very blonde now, she's gone a lot darker. it looks really good actually.

Then we drove (well, Anna drove, its her car) to the Airport to surprise Kendra on her arrival back in the country. so that was really nice. Then we ate tea and watched lots of Sex and the City. and I might actually get a vaguely early night tonight, which would be very exciting. :)

So its off to bed I go.

yesterday I made badges and comforted Laura through her Gay-bar induced hangover.

today Laura and I also went to church, which is my favourite part of sundays. and the pastor was really good. and I (and Jules) signed up for the arts ministry. SCORE!

night all.

It's all understood

2006-01-17T22:43:00.000Z

i guess thats what I feel like actually, that it is all understood and i don't have to worry about it, or people, because i know where i stand and thats cool with me.

I've finally handed in all my assignments for semester 1 and i've mostly done my other homework. which is good and means i can relax. so I am for the next week.

I went to a Herman Dune gig last thursday, it was really good fun actually, I went with Emily and a couple of her Edinburgh friends. So that was nice. If the dog's had been playing as they were supposed to have been, I woulda seen them. Instead, Tara met them on friday night and had (what calum later described as) a "Riveting conversation." Actually, she said, in true Tara fashion, oh, so you know Suzi? (I'd just texted her to that effect.) They were bewildered but agreed and that, as far as our lovely Tara was concerned, was that. No more conversation neccessary, see ya later guys. Calum was rather amused as he told me that story on Monday. Although was actually more interested in the fact he'd cut his pinky open on his drums.

Anyway, so I had a really nice Christmas, was at home for it, but not for the run up, and then did a lot of too-ing and fro-ing from Newport to Glasgow in and before the New Year. However it was fun and I got to see a couple of friends- Bob the first saturday and Nomy the first sunday. Nomy and I went to lunch after church and ended up in Beanscene from 4 til 11. It was a mammoth catch up session. but very enjoyable. Bob and I also had an enjoyable time wandering around the city centre, acting like small children (my speciality...) and generally having a laugh.

So I'm once again home for a while, it was Meggies birthday today and she had her first driving lesson. She seems to be enjoying it, so thats all good.

Back to Glasgow on thursday, where I have been told I MUST watch Dodgeball.... so that'll be interesting. Class starts on Monday.
I guess thats me for now.

babo

2005-12-20T17:12:00.000Z

well, i'm still in Glasgow.
everyone else (pretty much) is home noe for the holidays, but I'm in Glasgow at my aunts flat cos i gotta work. but its cool, i should actually get a fair amount of work done. my aim is to finish one of my assignments tomorrow and do the other two on friday and over the rest of the holidays. today, i wasted my working time making ad wrapping presents. more fun than work, but slightly less productive really... hmm..

anyway, merry christmas everybody, i'll see ya when i get home (think i'll be in st andrews for a bit christmas eve..)

bicycle tricycle take me far

2005-12-08T23:28:00.000Z

I've had an ace wee while recently. I've got exciting plans and i did exciting things (well, for me, anyway).

so, most recent back, then forward:
today, i had a nav's prayer meeting at a very early time of the morning, which was good. then drama, which was fun, then i slept for about an hour and then went to comminuty studies. after that i went to Jules flat, and we had an ace evening. we cooked the best mince and potatoes and had a really good laugh, made a totally fabby powerpoint presentation which actually makes us roar with laughter every time. its hilarious. so that lasted from around 4.30 til 11.30. it was good. i now have the "jules mix" on my ipod from her ipod selection on her computer. its very nice.

so, yesterday, i had art, which was fun, then i made chocolate crispies cakes cos i was going to a navs sleepover at Nomy's... had a fairly productive afternoon doing not very much, but it was good. went to Nomy's and had great fun. gave the girls their cards, which went down well. didn't sleep enough.

day before- tuesday- i had no class, so i did quite alot of work on various things, which i was quite impressed about and then i sat and chatted to catherine for an hour or so, had christmas dinner in the refectory- nice! and then went to navs, which was lovely.. so nice to talk to folk and share in bible study.. we were talking about love (1 Peter 3.8-4.19, in case you were wondering) and suffering. anyway, when i got home, i decided i wanted to make my girls little cards with a wee message and a verse inside, so i made six little "friends" cards. this was at midnight, 1am... it was good.

Monday, i had class then i watched the videos from our music workshops. on the way out, i chatted to calum for a bit, which was nice and we both recieved the same text at about the same time, from bob telling us that he'd had a great day learning to drive a forklift truck... which is pretty cool. erm.. then i went to CU and did the tea and coffee with kirsten, and also brought in our home bakes- marzipan balls (v v v v good!) and mars bar crispie cakes- which went down a storm. it was a good evening. I spent a fair amount just me, which i enjoyed. about 11, i got a chap on my door telling me to put a boot outside it cos kendra had ordered it (tuesday was the 6th, st nicks day, when germans get a st nick present in a boot) so i did.. when i ventured to the bathroom later, i found a card and a bag of sweets, so i thought i would return the favour- therefore kendra got two mars bars anda card in one of my boots.. i think she appreciated it, i got a letter the next day.

Sunday, i went to vineyard for church, which i really enjoy, so that was cool. saw jim and jo, but not much chance to chat cos i was getting back so that kirsten and i could bake for CU which we did, amidst much hilarity. it was great. in the evening i went to go and see bob in glengarry glen ross, but it was all sold out, so i saw bondagers, but we met up afterwards and i met his girlfriend, treena, who seems nice.. so we all traipsed off to a totally random aftershow party at some girls flat. i met three new girls, all lovely, ailsa and two others who i can't quite remember. bob and i left anout 11.15, me to get a bus, him to go home to bed, but it was nice cos we got a wee chat and i'd not spoken to him in ages. so that was really cool.

Saturday, I was working, 3.30 onwards. the afternoon show was fine, although frank sinatra (rat pack was on) got ill during the show so they cut the second act and eventually pulled the evening show.. telling 1500 people that its off isn't exactly fun, but hey. we got off at 8.30 and got paid a full call.. :> :>

ok, so my plans for the future.. well, tomorrow (friday) i've got a few meetings with various class groups, which should be fine.. then i think i'm going to a music thing on campus, so that should be fun.. free wine.

Saturday, I'm looking forward to, cos i'm going into town, then i'm going to falkirk for the afternoon/evening, to see Pete and Iain.. YAY!! I'm excited. dunno what we'll do, but hey. thats part of the fun.

Sunday.. i guess I'm going to church and.. who knows? a week on sunday, it should be a nativity thing and the kids learnt a rap thing, its gonna be ace.

Monday.. nothing very exciting planned- an evening of christmas fun at CU.. should be good.

tuesday. navs has a panto on.. exciting!, no, really, i'm excited, :)

anyway, i'm gonna head to bed.. lovely chatting to you... xx (no, i haven't confused this with msn.)

btw

2005-11-21T01:19:00.000Z

you should check out my myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/sweeterstrawberries

i have another (sporadic) blog there too. also its just fun! become my friend!

also, i learnt some yoga on friday. it was fun. sleep now.

this started life as an email.. to whom? i don't know.

2005-11-21T00:56:00.000Z

Ugh
I've had a sucky weekend. david and roz were up for bens birthday, and they were staying at bens. so i was gonna go out with them after i'd been to work, but no-one told me where they were going til too late, and since i wasn't in the mood to go to campus til 2 or 3am, i went home on my own. which was ok. the walk up was no scarier than ever before. colder but not scarier. saturday was good, to begin with. i met david and roz for coffee in beanscene (well, i stood at the tube, freezing for half an hour cos they missed their first bus) which was nice, we had a nice chat and they were thinking of staying at mine overnight. as it turned out, they didn't, cos ben didn't take the hint etc..anyway, i went to work, first shift was fine, but then i lost helena so i didn't go to cafe hula for good food, i got crap food (in comparison) from sainsburies. blugh. then the second shift was madness. kristi was ill. the dress bar was shut, so upper (where i was) was mobbed. i had to cash up progs, count ice creams etc very fast, then help pour interval drinks. then i worked on the bar in the interval. its hell. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
gggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh yeah, and i didn't get out til 10.45 and i had to wait til 11.30 to get my keys from roz and see them into the garage cos i didn't have enough money to go out and then get home. so that was pants.

church this morning was really good though, it was a good sermon and i got to chat to a load of folks i knew. so that was nice. went for lunch at whistlers mother with debbie and her friend.. then to beanscene (for a location change) to get h/choc and cheesecake.. got a bus to meet gokboz and scott to go to kirkie baptist evening service. today was good. i was just tired and kept feeling like i was missing out on something.

yesterday when i got home after work (at after 12) i came in to find that everyone had been to chaiovna and i was quite jealous. i really want to go and it was stupid and irrational but i wanted to tell people about it cos my friend mike told me. but i haven't even been. i just kinda felt like a total reject.

anyway.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make much or any sense, but i started writing an email, dunno who woulda recieved it, but anyway, its all been inflicted on you. there was no censure this time, so this might be more honest than several other posts...

oh yeah and when i was speaking to jim, he was like, "we were taslking about your tablet last night". (i gave calum tablet last week cos i was home and mum had made it so i bought lots from our little fairtrade market... also we talk about food quite a lot and i had said i'd bring calum some tablet.) so apparently the el dog boys talk about my antics during the week when they meet up. alan has an image (totally out of proportion,i'm sure!) of me doing a birthday dance for calum... i don't know if i should be worried that they talk about me or take it as a compliment... oh well.

so this post was in response to gordos plea for a post. i hope it comes up to scratch and i am sorry for not posting regularly... i'll get better i promise.

with my own two hands

2005-10-28T11:14:00.000Z

wayhey..

so i had a fun day yesterday, i spent alot of it inside, either at the theatre (work) or at the cinema- which was great fun...

I've now seen Nanny McPhee, which is pretty class and Wallace and Gromit.. I'm so happy!!

Anyway, so, my mum was in the paper with Sir Cliff.. She went to london a couple of weeks ago to meet him, as he is a big cheese in tearfund, and sge was one of only twenty selected reps from the UK that got to see him. ONe of only three in scotland!! so i think she had fun..

anyway, think thats most of my news for just now...

i'm sleeping with fishes here

2005-10-22T23:19:00.000Z

in the belly of the whale

I'm a bit annoyed. I was all set (sorta) to go out tonight, like after work and all, but then i ended up coming home and feeling disconnected from my friends. why?

ugh.

hmm

2005-10-16T23:10:00.000Z

I love hugs

i don't know why i thought that would be interesting.

i also love the rain. most of the time. except when its crap rain.

I'm already here

2005-10-15T23:47:00.000Z

Well today was nice. I had to work which was fine, hey its money and I did two pick ups, which effectively means two hours extra paid work, for about ten minutes worth of work in total. it rocks. haven't yet had a paycheck, but thats ok.

uhm.. I saw Jak, it was his birthday and I had totally forgotten, but it was ok, Dave reminded me and i gave him a big hug. so that was nice. i don't think i have anything interesting to say.

I could, I suppose, tell you all about the rubbish two days i had this week, where i was really upset for no apparent reason, but really, other than what i've just saidd, ther's not much to tell.

it'd be nice to get more phonecalls, btw. I actually love talking on the phone more than i thought i did. I might try and figure out this o2 thing where, by topping up by £15 instead of ten every month you get all these free calls as well... would be rather groovy...

anyway, i should go, i rather feel like a cup of tea and a read before bed...
so night night. xx

The EXCITEMENT!!

2005-10-15T00:49:00.000Z

Yeah, I really was excited.... I got to buy a sandwich from starbucks!!!! Its amazing!! they actually do Gluten-free sandwiches! And damn tasty they are too!

also, i just spent an hour on the phone with Bob. It was fun.

adious

ok, so its 12.04

2005-10-06T23:06:00.000Z

and i'm in from being out.
yeah, that was helpful, wasn't it??
well, i was at an el dog gig in beanscene, cos Bob phoned me up to see if i wanted to come. Bob being one quarter (well, a half tonight) of the band. so I went, and they were good.
so, anyway, the rest of my day was good too... I had drama this morning (theme:colours) and I got to play lots of fun drama type games. then we had community studies, and boy, even this module sounds like fun. We have to go out into communities and analyse them, talk to folk and get an idea of how these communities function and knit together. so its sounding more interesting than previously it had.
the lecturer is also a total dude. He's 64 and retired on friday. but has come back to teach us and the second years. he's quite funny, but a bit of an oddball too.

uhm.. ok, so, that was most of my day in a nutshell for you. I dunno if i did anything really exciting other than these things (which i could go into more detail about, but will leave for right now.) today.

oh, but bob does crazy dancing too. i've found a soulmate :> heh heh.

I saw the lollipop man

2005-10-04T13:49:00.000Z

howdy doody.

well, today we had music for the first time and it was really great. we learnt some funky african songs and it all sounded really ace.

Roz came up on saturday, which was really really good fun, we went to the GUU to see ben which was ok. then we went to Strath union, where there was a beach party, which was great fun eventually. Chakka Demus and the Pliers was fun...

uhm, i don't think i have anything else really really exciting to say. if something exciting h appens.. i'll let you all know!! at any rate, i will definitely be in edinburgh this weekend!

Visual Arts 1

2005-09-28T14:47:00.000Z

well. I had my first class today abd it was incredible!! We made a picture and it is soo cool. I love my course. Our first class was visual Arts 1 with Glen, so we are learning about taking workshops, its all about empowerment. Which is very coool. So we worked in Oil Pastels on black sugar paper. each person got a bit of a picture and had to copy that, but they weren't really pictures in the pictures, we were more focusing on lines and colours and shapes. Having said that though, I did end up getting a bowl of flowers. but hey, I liked drawing them and I thought it looked pretty cool by the end.

So tomorrow there is Drama 1- yay!!!!!! I'm uber excited about that. although it will also be workshops and empowering people, and not so much of the lets see how good you are at these sorts of things.

Also, for my elective i get to do digital photography and make digital presentations and stuff. I gotta go at some point and take photos of the work we did today, since Glen was telling us we should keep a record of all our stuff. Which is a cool idea, and something I'm so going to do..

So, other than that, i've just been generally really busy, i went back home on monday for a night, to see Macbeth (its ACE by the way!) and saw Roz, so that was cool. Been to the Union several times, never got wasted though, that just does not appeal. I saw some good gigs, Colin Murray was pretty ace, he got wasted during it though and was chain smoking too, which I didn't appreciate. but hey. It's his life.

Went to the CU several times too, we had a grub crawl, and a ceilidh (yay!!) where I saw some folk I haven't seen in ages, so that was great. Went to the Navs yesterday night, its a housegroup type bible study/community group, so thats cool. the girls in my group all seem really nice, so I'm excited about that. The CU is made up of lovely people, so its been great just to find somewhere i really feel at home and which accepts me as me and doesn't make any demands. I've met some cool people and made a couple of good friends, so thats really good.

I still miss all my old friends though, so you guys are welcome to come and visit me.

On that topic- Jen is coming to Glasgow this saturday- as is Roz (roz is staying over) so i'm excited for that.

Also I'm going to go to Edinburghnext weekend (8th-9th) so if people are free and want to meet up, that would be cool. I'm making Jen put me up. Roz might even be there too. She's coming to mine tursday-saturday. :>

Anyway, I feel I have rambled long enough here, so I shall say adieu and go for tea...

Enjoy yourselves!

xx

falling... asleep...

2005-09-20T23:25:00.000Z

well, its after midnight, i'm exhausted and i realised i hadn'y updated this in a long time.

so i went to see el presidente tonight. thehy kinda rocked alot. flying matchstick men were awesome as suport, as were drive by argument.

all in all, a capital night.

now i have to sleep. i have induction tomorrow.

score.