you gotta breathe in and out

funny how the simplest things seem really profound sometimes...

anyway, i was walking home tonight all fired up to write about leviticus and then i ... didn't. i got sidetracked making my sisters christmas present.. still not sure how that one will work out- thats what happens when you try to add in too many things...

anyway, so, leviticus- well, we're up to chapter 16 now and there have been a few significant moments, like the first 7chapters and all the detail therein about sacrifices. then other things and most recently ch16 itself that talks about the holy of holies and how a priest should respect it as well as the day known as Yom Kippur- the day of atonement- our spring clean.

the book has really made me realise how lightly i take God and His promises to me- like, the israelites had to over continual sacrifices to make sure they were right with God and be really specific in asking for forgiveness and thats a real challenge- i find it really hard to be so specific, and i sin unintentionally all the time too. God has a sacrifice for that too. there are so many rules, but there are also so many good reasons for them. You must be holy because I am Holy- lev 15. kirsty and i had a really good conversation about our section. i think i need to reread it and rethink it tomorrow. if i don't post my thoughts, shout at me.

in other news... jules and i have doubled the length of the script we're writing today which is really really really food news.. :) yay! just a couple of all-nighters away from a complete draft.. uhm, so when i said "food" news, i meant good, but maybe it was freudian and i'm really hungry?? i think i might bake tomorroe too, since i don't get to go home or to the camp reunion... both sad things.

oh goodness, it takes a very long time for photos to upload to photobox... but we are close. once its done i get to sleep. hurrah!!! :)

toodles

edom had it coming.... right?

so i'm reading the book of obadiah. i've read it three times in three days now. its a short book. 21 verses. so maybe 50 sentences or so. not a lot. but it says quite big things- like be kind to your brothers nation, even though you hate them. (edomites were the descendents of Esau and israelites of Jacob, the brothers that fought a lot.) and that your day will come to be judged so don't be too harsh, don't sell people out to their enemies and gloat about it and don't think you're safe wherever you are- money won't protect you, nor can your friends...

but the thing thats really cool is that after wreaking destruction on the whole edomite race, God puts the israelites back in charge where they reign fairly and justly. so thats nice. even though they were persecuted, they ain't gonna take an eye for an eye.

so those are my random thoughts on obadiah. i'll let you knowe as i have more. jo mango's hootenany was awesome tonight- you should have been there.

sleepy time for suzi!

this is a good day

seeing people you like, talking about things that matter, eating good food drinking nice caffeinated beverages and having a sewing machine that works again. and it was so simple to fix too. hurrah.


good times.

letting go of all empty things

jesus you are all i need...

today has been a weird day. we decided to fast for a day to focus ourselves again on God, on all He is and just the awesome ness of Him.

and also i recognised just how much of a failure i am. i chose today to do my fast because i thought of all the days this week i would have the most time to focus on god and His provision.. but instead i've wasted my time baking and getting annoyed at people and focusing on my own efforts and its so hard to break out of this cycle. i am trying, O God, how i'm trying, but really, i can't do it- father its all in your hands. i am sorely tempted to just break my fast. God help me not to.

I can be provided for by no-one else. only you, lord.

what a saviour.

hail mary full of grace

no, i haven't become a catholic, but thats what the girl standing next to me at the bus stop said when our bus finally came. she'd been waiting nearly an hour and was late to meet her boyfriend. we were talking about how buses never came on time, but that the no9 was usually reliable and then we were talking about her life, it was so random but completely awesome. i don't know her name, but i know she studied admin at college for a while, had a baby boy called christopher when she was going on 17 (she's 17, nearly 18 now) her boyfriend, and christophers dad is declan, he's a year younger, she's just got her own flat and saving for driving lessons and a car- thats how the whole conversation started, she couldn't wait to be driving, and how she wasn't sure that her and declan would lastthe course. she's going to start at college doing hairdressing cos she already works in a salon. she was so lovely, and i wish i could have talked to her more. it was only once i was off the bus i thought i could have invited her for tea- maybe someday i'll meet her on another bus and we can talk some more.

oh, and emma, to answer your question- yes, it all went fine- thanks to God.

i like days like this..

always next to you

hey hey you you i don't like your girlfriend

thats a bit what i feel like at the moment.. we've got a staff student meeting this afternoon and we've got to raise an issue of a class that is really not up to scratch...argh

and cu tonight should be banterful- karen kirsten graeme and i are doing it and i'm not entirely prepared yet.. but thats ok, i have an hour to prepare before our meeting at 4..
yeek

its a long day.. in fact its oing to be a long week.. woop woop...

the happiest night

hmmm.. odd sort of day really.. church, lunch, workshop, sillyness, dinner, friends, film, work.

twas fun though.

i think i'm tired and should not really write anything else or it'll get silly and messy-- i tend to write stupid things when i'm tired.

i'm making a bracelet from beads nomy brought me back from kenya.. they're really pretty, i like them. nomy and i went to mother india cafe on saturday night- it was yummy!!! i love indian food.. pretty much, i love food. i have a friend who can't eat chicken.. thats gotta be tough. i say that and i can't eat bread, so i guess its similar. hmmm,,, intersting.

as you can see- that was an example of my rambling tiredness.. i am tired and things make sense in my brain so i write them down, but miss out the connection- ie, i was thinking how we ate chicken tikka and chicken with extra ginger and spinach last night and had chicken at lj and anna's tonight and my friend couldn't have either. but he could have the pakora... mmm.. and the dahl.. mmm..

made banana bread really late last night and then cried my eyes out at extreme makeover- home edition. heart wrenching.

mat, my gay friend from work has a date,. he's uber-excited. aaah, he makes me laugh- a lot. if you've seen 40 year old virgin, then you might get our relationship- alot of our banter is about calling each other gay. though really, i should be telling mat how straight he is, since he already knows he's gay.. ho hum. typical exchange:
mat: know how i know you're gay?
me: how?
mat: cos dorothy thought there was no place like home.
me: know how i know you're gay?
mat: how?
me: cos julie andrews told me
and so on and so forth. its actually hilarious, but everyone else in the world thinks we're nutters and/or we're nutters.

we are.

i really need to sleep, cos i have class and filming and a staff student meeting tomorrow as well as cu that i'm really unprepared for... gah!!

meep

life is one big draft

i've started so many posts in the last month and then have changed my mind and deleted them- not interesting/spiritual/relevant/exciting/long enough. and either they get deleted or they are "saved as draft" and then i delete them three days later- but thats no way to go through life. life is for living.

this week has been a quiet week, but good, time to relax and spend time with people and God, creating things, writing, drawing, eating, drinking tea- my favourite hot beverage.. speaking of tea, we have some exciting new stuff in the cupboard, k brought home some zanzibar cinnamon tea and tea masala spice and cardamom and whole nutmeg from tanzania- so we're all ready to have really good tea and spiced food... mmm... :)

i had to go the kitchen to remember exactly what it was k had brought back, so obviously that was a good time to make tea, but alas we have no milk.. so its tea with honey and lemon instead..

i've started making a quilt- its going well, except i haven't done anything on it for a week or more.. i have one line of panels to sew together before i start sewing each line together.. its huge though.. :) just researching what size of sheet i'll need to buy to make the bottom layer of it.. a king size flat sheet should do it.. but it'll take a while to get to that stage i think... argh,.. big projects are scary, but fun. next time i make something that size i'll need to really collect good images and t-shirts, but this one will be cool still.. i can feel it in my bones!!

my floor is completely clear for the first time in a long time, which is fairly incredible- i just need to keep it that way- tuesday, its a committee meeting at mine then emma is coming round for dinner and on wednesday we're having a halloween/flat warming- which you are invited to, of course!

hmmm.. tomorrow i think i'm going to go to edinburgh and see my friend jen- i've not seen her in ages.. so hopefully it'll be awesome.

humm, i'd forgotten- i was talking about my week... i saw lots of people. was at loch tay at the weekend, drove to glasgow and back again on the sunday in order to go to church.. that was fun.. :) my week was sponsored by: kendra laura debbie erin kate tanje james pete emma phil mum beth jenni jules stephen eilidh freya gemma gemma ali ... you!

lunchtime!

i'm sleeping with myself tonight

so i can still hear the kids playing in the playground across the road, but my room is tidy now, hurrah! i even attempted hoovering earlier. not entirely successful, our hoover stinks. had a fairly productive morning.
my big challenge for this year, the one thing i want to make- a quilt! so if anyone has any t-shirts they no longer wear, give them to me and i'll make them into a quilt.. :)
thats all i have to go to work now!

entering the early twenties...

well, i know one thing in this world thats still pure and good! christian love? NO! candy!
the simpsons.. you can always rely on them for good old morals ...
i'm not sure what i have to say.. not very much probably..

who am i?

was just on myspace, cos i just got a request from one of my friends from home and i don't know who i am anymore. i was looking at her pictures and there are so many things associated with her and school that i thought i wanted and then gave up but seeing her think i want all over again- more piercings, a taste for heavy metal, liking jack daniels and jagermeister. none of which i am or have. but its like if i can be so easily influenced and saddened by her having the things that i was going to do, who does that make me? i confuse myself all the time. i enjoy things i never thought i would (electronic-influenced music, baked beans and cottage cheese to name a few) and yet thats all because of other people too.. really, who am i apart from all the people around me? who God says i am, i guess, thats still in the making, i still can't see that girl clearly. proverbs has a "hymn to a good wife" (proverbs31.10-31) but i'm really not anywhere close to any of that (nor am i a wife). i'm not trying to put myself down lots here, i'm just trying to understand who i am, where i fit.. ach its just a strange mood i'm in.

You are the God who sees me.

Genesis 16.13 Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. she said 'You are the God who sees me.'*
The Hebrew for the phrase 'You are the God who sees me.' is El-roi.

Matthew 15.8-9 These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce, they teach man made ideas as commands from God. 11 It's not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; but you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

Nehemiah 5.8 At the meeting I said to them, "We are doing all we can to redeem our Jewish relatives, who have had to sell themselves to pagan foreigners, but you are selling them back into slavery again. How often must we redeem them?"

Acts 15.11 We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of of the Lord Jesus.

well, its much later than i intended to be up tonight. i read recently that you should write as if you aren't going to be read and then you'll be honest and truthful. i'll try.

theres just so much to say and not enough time or space. i have issues that i need to sort out with God and myself, an incident that just keeps coming up in my mind from when i was like 11. people that i thought were friends that encouraged me in the wrong direction. nothing major, but its all baggage and it obstructs my relationship with God and others. and recently i've been really bad, i just haven't had the inclination to open my bible and to read the truth there. i am undisciplined and unmotivated and i find it hard when i'm home because i don't have the greatest church. and for all that the community is there, you really need the teaching too...
lord, i pray that you would be in that, that you would be with our minister in newport, with his family and the rest of the congregation, lord, help ken to be relevant and gospel based and real for the congregation. lord reveal yourself once again.. and lord, for the whole family, i pray you'd be in that situation, in your power.

God, i am so weak and feeble, i can't bring myself to be disciplined before you and yet if i am to be of any use this summer, i need your guidance. lord there are so many situations i just cannot do without you. El-roi, as Hagar named you, El-roi. you know what it is i lack, what i need to be taught, how i feel, what haunts me, lord it is all crystal clear to you. god i pray that you would begin to help me reconcile this image of how i am, how i really am, to how you would have me be. lord give me the strength to be directed and take it on board.


God, so many times, i feel like a pharisee, that iam defiling myself by the motivation of what i say and how i say it. god i pray you would challenge me on that. and i am scared to say that because i know You will. Lord God, i ask that you would truly be the one i fear and respect and love the most. God that i would be merciful to my neighbours and friends, that i would be helping redeem others, not selling them back into their "slavery".



This is how i journal quiet times. this is how i meditate on passages of scripture and how i'm trying, so hard, but with so little commitment sometimes, to read the whole bible. its hard, and its going to take more than a year, thats for sure.

Be still and know that I am God. psalm 46.10
thats a lesson i need to learn, for sure.





















[be still]















[know that I am God]











[be still]




i think i need to sleep now. my brain is tired. good night.