You are the God who sees me.

Genesis 16.13 Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. she said 'You are the God who sees me.'*
The Hebrew for the phrase 'You are the God who sees me.' is El-roi.

Matthew 15.8-9 These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce, they teach man made ideas as commands from God. 11 It's not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; but you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

Nehemiah 5.8 At the meeting I said to them, "We are doing all we can to redeem our Jewish relatives, who have had to sell themselves to pagan foreigners, but you are selling them back into slavery again. How often must we redeem them?"

Acts 15.11 We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of of the Lord Jesus.

well, its much later than i intended to be up tonight. i read recently that you should write as if you aren't going to be read and then you'll be honest and truthful. i'll try.

theres just so much to say and not enough time or space. i have issues that i need to sort out with God and myself, an incident that just keeps coming up in my mind from when i was like 11. people that i thought were friends that encouraged me in the wrong direction. nothing major, but its all baggage and it obstructs my relationship with God and others. and recently i've been really bad, i just haven't had the inclination to open my bible and to read the truth there. i am undisciplined and unmotivated and i find it hard when i'm home because i don't have the greatest church. and for all that the community is there, you really need the teaching too...
lord, i pray that you would be in that, that you would be with our minister in newport, with his family and the rest of the congregation, lord, help ken to be relevant and gospel based and real for the congregation. lord reveal yourself once again.. and lord, for the whole family, i pray you'd be in that situation, in your power.

God, i am so weak and feeble, i can't bring myself to be disciplined before you and yet if i am to be of any use this summer, i need your guidance. lord there are so many situations i just cannot do without you. El-roi, as Hagar named you, El-roi. you know what it is i lack, what i need to be taught, how i feel, what haunts me, lord it is all crystal clear to you. god i pray that you would begin to help me reconcile this image of how i am, how i really am, to how you would have me be. lord give me the strength to be directed and take it on board.


God, so many times, i feel like a pharisee, that iam defiling myself by the motivation of what i say and how i say it. god i pray you would challenge me on that. and i am scared to say that because i know You will. Lord God, i ask that you would truly be the one i fear and respect and love the most. God that i would be merciful to my neighbours and friends, that i would be helping redeem others, not selling them back into their "slavery".



This is how i journal quiet times. this is how i meditate on passages of scripture and how i'm trying, so hard, but with so little commitment sometimes, to read the whole bible. its hard, and its going to take more than a year, thats for sure.

Be still and know that I am God. psalm 46.10
thats a lesson i need to learn, for sure.





















[be still]















[know that I am God]











[be still]




i think i need to sleep now. my brain is tired. good night.

his ways

i think i've been learning a lot recently, about my self and my need to be honest and the challenge to be vulnerable. tonight at cu we had two guys in to talk about apologetics. well, nicj was there for that, johnny was there for prayer ministry etc, which was really good. i felt i had a few things on my heart that i needed to chat through and so i spoke to johnny and he prayed for me. mostly it was about this one person i know who is always challenging me, who always has new questions, new ways to try and defeat me, make me "admit" that my faith is a sham, that i am illogical to believe what i believe and who i always end up having conversation-debate-arguments with about my convictions and beliefs with and johnny just really spoke into the situation, realising that i neede release from the burden of having all these doubts poured on my head, all these tough conversations which didn't always come at a goodtime, which did make me re-evaluate myself, and he allowed me to want to be free of that. he just poured blessing onto the situation and just had some real insight into the kind of things i needed to spoken to about.

tonight was good for that, for recognising that no-one is perfect and that there is a lot i need to sort out with my Father, God who created me. the things He wants to speak into my life but has no chance because i am too busy, ignoring, bypassing, serving. its ok for me to need to have my space i don't have to be constantly serving others, loving them, caring, putting them first, twisting my own life around their needs, although i will still and my whole career is and will be oriented around the people i meet and serve and love. and i need to do that in order to fulfil who God created me as. it was just really reaffirmed for me tonight that i will find out and need to remember who i am in Christ. that i will grow in love and faith and knowledge and i will have my heart broken over and over for people and situations and areas. that i will never stop loving people, that i will continue to encourage, to laugh, to be joyful, that i will never stop being who i was created to be. that i must centre myself in my Father. that He loves me and that it is this love that i will be pouring out, that my own love is not enough, is too finite, is too conditional to be enough, that i need to be filled and refreshed by Gods love but that i must draw near to him in order to have that refreshing and refilling.

i really hope and pray that i will discover more of what God has for me in the new year, that, come the spring, i would awake to a new period of my story, that i would grow and be challenged and challenger, that the truth would penetrate the hearts of those i know and love, that i might be a witness and that my story would resonate would be relevant would be at once mine and someone else's story. that what i have would be used for Gods glory and would help you that i would be used but not burned up, that i would be a good steward and that His blessing would be on allthat i say and do.

its a big ask, but i believe in a big God, one who does not and cannot fit into my little box. one who knows me intimately and loves every part of me, who challenges me, who rebukes me, who encourages me, who disciplines me, who cares for me, who directs me
He is bigger than anything i could ever imagine, He is always around and will help in times of need, He is just and righteous and loving and compassionate and i know virtually nothing of Him yet. i have so much to learn and always will. the more i learn, the less i know. He will create and He will provide, i just pray that He makes me equal to the challenge, equips me and directs my steps.

heaven help me

well.
this week has been good. and bad. but mostly good.
i made a cd for my sister and sent it off to her, but i don't think she'll get it for another week or two cos she's on spring break. i hope she does get it and enjoys it. quite a lot of work went into that...

hmmm... monday was a cu social, which was great fun, we went for dinner at southpark (ie mexico) and then kersland (america).

placement this week was-honestly- long. tuesday i did lots of admin stuff, wednesday i just collected materials and did test runs of stuff.. nothing very exciting. thursday we had a meeting with lex, the guy who creates our publicity stuff re the next art workshop series- creative sensations! that was fun. then a pub lunch and more sorting and admin for friday workshops. friday the workshops went well, they were enjoyed by everyone although, interestingly, the older teachers understood and took on the ideas better than the four students on placement... saturdays HAC workshops were really good, the kids got well involved and interested, so thursdays meeting should be good.

wednesday night i had housegroup and i really didn't want to go. i just felt that i'd had a shit day and wasn't in the mood. i felt i should go, but i didn't want to. at any rate, in the end i went and i did have a really good night. we did a little thing on the five-step prayer guide for church, so that was cool, just nice and simple, not too hard to follow. and then we all prayed for each other. this was proper prayer... individually, we all sat in the "hotseat" and recieved prayer. it was mega. there were several points where i couldn't stay in position, i felt this like heavyness come over my body and just comfort and love going from me. while we were praying for jenny, a few of us laid hands on her and it was whilst doing that and praying that i felt that what i was saying was not my own words, but the holy spirit, and he was working through me. it was just really powerful. it got me crying a fair few times.

personally, the best part of it was when the group were praying for me, i told them that i was having a tough time with a few things but mostly with a situation. one of my friends is getting married soon-ish. he's a guy i've known for a year and a half. although it feels longer. anyway, when first we met, i thought there was a potential that this could develop into a relationship- more than friends- and there were occasions where that might have happened, however it never did. i'm very comfortable with him, but i decided about a year ago that it would be stupid to try and have a relationship with him. he's not a christian and i'm not sure we would really work as boyfriend and girlfriend.... anyway, that head decision was made and that was fine, we continued as friends. he had his heart broken more than once that year, but then he fell in love with this girl that he's known for a long time. and has always half loved. she's lovely. they are lovely together. but i can't get out of my head this insane weird jealousy thing. i guess i never really got over all this half-baked infatuation. anyway, i kinda explained all this and then they prayed for me. and it was like a weight off my shoulders. knowing that these people care. and that they understand.
jonny said that he'd had a feelingthat something like this might come up. very comforting to know that God is in control and prewarning people perhaps.
anyway, it was really good and i know that its not al going to happen at once, but its getting much better. i think because its been confronted and dealt with.

so that was cool. the flat party on friday was amazing. it was chocolatey and alcoholic and banterlicious. val came along and i haven't seen her in ages so that was absolutely awesome. we had a really good chat, all about boys and life and stuff. it was so good to talk to her. shes goingto come to the vineyard with me some day. and make me a book. i'm very excited.

today at church colin swopped me a defaced penny for a piece of chewing gum.. the swopping has started. catherine exchanged the gum for a pen, so colin has to now swop that for something even better... exciting, non?

this afternoon i ate beans on toast and watched "ray". it was really good. really really good. tonight i am going to go and watch music and lyrics with some of my girly friends.. yay!

in other news, my friend bob's ex girlfriend has turned up at my work.. how strange. we met once while they were dating, now i don't know whether to bring it up or not... hmm.

uhm.. i think thats everything that has been happening recently- OhYeah! Regina Spektor at the qm tomorrow night!!! woot!!!

i think i might buy a little notebook to go with my bible

todays sermon was really good.. i enjoyed it muchly, hence, my notes:

learning to enjoy the people we have around us: phillipians 1.3-11 (check out the passage here)

+ be grateful for the good in people

*vs3 focusing on anything positive in your relationship

*actively choosing not to focus on the negative

*don't minimise any pain that has been caused however, instead choose not to dwell on it.

*remember loyalty

+ practice positive prayer

*vs4 pray with joy

*positive relationships come from positive defined prayer

*paul prays specifically a- for the church in philipi to abound in love, b- make wise choices, c- do the right thing, d- be fruitful in jesus (vs9-11)

+be patient with peoples progress

*vs6 jesus always completes what he starts- GOD is not finished with people

*learn to enjoy people as they are not as you wish they were.

*our mistake is to judge people on how far they've to go rather than how far they've come

+love from the heart

*react with heart knowledge not head knowledge

*we need to have understanding, to have that we need to listen, with our hearts

*love with GOD's infinite, unending love see romans 5.5 thats the secret, be filled with GODs love and it will spill out

second thoughts on church

i was also going to tell you about my church at home. about how there is a really vibrant youth group and youth worker, an awesome fairtrade cafe, a lovely building, and a congregation whos needs are not being fulfilled by a minister who is more worried about what the news is saying that what God is trying to say to him. thats not to say that the minister is completely hopeless, he was a very good minister for many years, but there have been so many trials associated with the parish that he's been disillusioned and needs to recoup. i'm not trying to run him down, or out, but he deserves prayer. and guidance.

that was a bit of a random after-post-thought. anyhoo, i shall leave you to your lives.

church

first of all, check out this because it was this article that got me thinking about the subject.

i've been thinking about church a bit recently. i had a chat with my friend prim a couple of weeks ago, because she'd stopped going to church for ages, she was having a tough time spiritually etc and she'd decided to trythe church that her godmother goes to, (i don't know how she's getting on, we're overdue for a coffee...) because it was supposed to be really good at doing community which is what prim needed. anyway, she knew it would be hard.

it was around that time that i was thinking about maybe changing churches, worried that i was only there for a few people, because i knew people going there- basically, it appeared a pretty "cool" church, and i was worried i was being too shallow. ha. is it not enough that we know we sometimes go to church because we want to speak to people we like, we want to sing worship with a great band. but how much does that matter? as long as, at the end of it all, the purpose and the people are there to worship God.

i went to debs church a couple weeks after that. and i did enjoy myself. but it wasn't home. the people weren't my people, not because they weren't "cool" enough, the songs weren't mine, not because i didn't know them (which i didn't, but thats ok) but because i didn't know these people. they didn't know me. i know, if i went for a couple of weeks, people would know me and they are very friendly, lozzle and cath and i went for lunch with two boys from church- alright cath and lozzle knew them quite well anyway, but it was the gesture. the thing is, i have begun to build community with the people i go to church with. i am involved in various projects outside of sunday morning, i have a housegroup now. that one was hard work. i couldn't quite shake off the feeling that i wasn't old enough to go to housegroup, but once i got there and began to work at forming relationships, it got better. like i said to b the other night, (on googlemail chat..)

b- so is housegroup going good 4 u?
me- its different- you know how you go into some things with ideas and perceptions about how that should be, well, i kinda did and its not neccessarily been like that, which has been more of a struggle than i'd thought, but yeah, its good, there are a nice mix of people and they all bring different things, so thats cool.
b- yeah i guess its hard not to have some preset ideas....you can have NO thoughts on something right? but then its also hard when things change
but great you can see how everyone contributes something different
me- indeed, but in this case, although i wasn't much enjoying it to start, it is getting better, more people have joined us and the group is beginning to have its own dynamic.
yeah, its nice to know you do contribute something...

it was hard at the start, i went every week and kinda sat there, thinking, i'm only really here because my its at my friends house... and i guess i was kinda lax about the whole thing. but this year, since i started second year, its gotten a lot better. a few more new people have joined us, we've kinda bonded better. its strange because i did navs last year and my group were awesome. all the girls i studied with each week just brought so much, so many questions, so many fears, ideas, goals, dreams.. just amazing people and it was such a priviledge to share life with them (if any of you ever read this, i really do love you guys.) through all the hard times and some awesome times. and even though our group is no more, i know that at least some of those relationships will last the test of time. and i went into housegroup wishing for the same thing, truly and thats not going to happen.

i also worry about one of my friends. i just fear that she isn't leading the life God truly wants for her, that she has made some bad decisions and is too attached to the world. i so don't want to sound judgemental, or hypocritical, because i know that i have not done any better, have made some of the same mistakes... i just need to pray for her, truthfully. i don't know what else to do or say.

well, this started out about church and kinda veered off point a little, but hey.
will leave you with this i think:

I will pray for you now for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I could not ask for more than what you’ve already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me

May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall come crashing down around your feet

May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater each stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride

What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the one who made us
And see him smile when life is through

May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they’d be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see

May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you’d learn to trust the plan he has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true

I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I’ll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me.

(kendall payne)