hail mary full of grace

no, i haven't become a catholic, but thats what the girl standing next to me at the bus stop said when our bus finally came. she'd been waiting nearly an hour and was late to meet her boyfriend. we were talking about how buses never came on time, but that the no9 was usually reliable and then we were talking about her life, it was so random but completely awesome. i don't know her name, but i know she studied admin at college for a while, had a baby boy called christopher when she was going on 17 (she's 17, nearly 18 now) her boyfriend, and christophers dad is declan, he's a year younger, she's just got her own flat and saving for driving lessons and a car- thats how the whole conversation started, she couldn't wait to be driving, and how she wasn't sure that her and declan would lastthe course. she's going to start at college doing hairdressing cos she already works in a salon. she was so lovely, and i wish i could have talked to her more. it was only once i was off the bus i thought i could have invited her for tea- maybe someday i'll meet her on another bus and we can talk some more.

oh, and emma, to answer your question- yes, it all went fine- thanks to God.

i like days like this..

don't you worry now

ah, today has been long.
and hard.
the workshops i was at this morning were good, but i didn't really feel like there was much point in me being there. i couldn't really contribute much to the process. but it was good to see what all was happening.
then i got back, did a few wee bits of shopping, went to try and collect the end of my prescription, which i have been having hassle about for the last few weeks. i got something eventually. but it wasn't what i'd ordered. i was meant to have fresh bread, but instead i had vacuum packed part baked bread. which was fine and wouldn't have been a problem if i hadn't already had this problem from that pharmacy before and if i hadn't had to explain to several staff members during the last two weeks what i wanted. the pharmacist was very nice and apologetic, but because anything else would just have been too much hassle i took what they had. the frustrations of the day just started to get to me.
as i was making my lunch (cheese and beans on toast. i've decided i like beans again. in moderation.) using the last of the bread i baked last week, i sliced my finger open. the pain of that, combined with my earlier frustration just was the last straw, i just had to cry.
anyway, i got my lunch and then mr kohli came round to take away the heaters we don't need any more, could only take one with him, so is coming back for the others... and he promised us a new microwave :) result.

ach. it was ok, i just had a bit of a crummy day and i don't think the weather helped. by the way, "fourplay" is a pretty crap film. i only watched a quarter of it, but it wasn't gripping at all.

so i'm courried up in bed, getting warm.
this week has been odd and long. on wednesday housegroup was really good, then i went round to bobs to give him his birthday present and ended up not leaving til 2am. it was fun. thursday was long. the kids at myt were hyper about going to the theatre and then the bus broke. the show was really good though. friday was soo long but i got to see my mum, which was really good because i haven't seen her for a while and i miss her. and then after work i went to campus to see gemma on her birthday, so that was fun.

oh, yeah, kirsten came round earlier too so that was cool, had a wee chat.
man, i've eaten too much.

i some times wonder if i'll ever get married. i know a few people who are getting married this year/in the near future and a few couples who will, at some point in the not-too-distant future probably end up walking down the aisle and although i know its not something i want right now, i used to think that it was definite that i would get married anf have a family, but now i'm not so sure. much as i'd enjoy the companionship and enjoy a family, i'm not sure i see where they'll fit. thats a very selfish view, but thats honest. but then again, i don't want to be alone always- with god around i know thats not possible, but, d'ya know sometimes you just need a real person to give you a hug, by real i mean physically present. i'm not sure where i'm going with this, but i have to leave for work soon, so i'll leave you with these half-formed thoughts.

in the words of jo:
it’s a hard day, nothing is right
and the words “i need a hug” are hard to fight
when i’ve had my fill of the blue light
then your face is the sight for my sore eyes
for my sore eyes
but if i am me with you
the way i want to be with you
then you are sore whilst i am free
that doesn’t seem so fair to me
that doesn’t seem like grace
or beauty to me
beauty from me
when you are an echo underneath the bridge at night
i wonder if i may have hurt your eyes with all this light
so just say the word and i’ll try with all my might
to hide away ’till you feel alright
’till you feel alright
it’d be a hard day yes it would…
but better than a hard life

sculpture, painting, print-making and felting

next wednesday i get to make sand casts. its going to be great fun.
tomorrow i get to play around with animation.
next week i might end up visiting Sensation in dundee. maybe.
i am at work, yes, its true.
off to find some huge boxes now... toodle-pip

so come close and close your eyes

Aisssssssssh. i'm not happy.
my computer just shut down and the post i had been writing for the last hour or so has been lost.
i hate posts that start like this, but i needed to tell you.
i'm not even going to try and recreate what i had originally said, it wasn't entirely interesting, the main highlights were: i've been working too hard, committing to too much, eaten something i shouldn't have and then suffering for it. other things related to the week, including bobs dads funeral on wednesday. the gig on wednesday night. my day today.

anyway. that was what i was talking about and i'm sorry it got lost, because it took time. i'm so wittering now.

and to see me made her awful sad and to touch me made her awful sad

(regina spektor oedipus)

i used to send this blog to a friend of mine called emily- as in each time i posted on it, she would get an email. i'm not sure why we started that, but we did, and then a while back i changed it so that if she wanted to read it, she'd have to come to the site. i guess it just felt weird to still be sending her those emails when we hadn't really talked in quite a long time.

i find it hard to ask questions.
i have lots of doubts and questions and things but i really don't know what to do, i can't even articulate them. i just.. find it hard at the moment. there are passages that i read in the bible that don't seem to make any sense or fot with the image we have of god, but then, what do i know of god? who am i to make him fit my mould?

i've had enough to break me in two, to tear me apart, what am i to do? what else can i do? so sing me a song, let me hum along, at the top of my lungs, i come undone, what else can i do? what can i do? (david crowder band b collision intro)

that song just came on pandora as i was writing those last words (who am i to...). fitting.
have i told you that i love pandora.com? (thanks debberina!) its awesome, i suggest you go there.

to be honest in some ways it feels like i could quite easily just come apart at the seams theres lots going on and its all interesting and exciting, but i'm really sad that i'm going to miss out on another five weeks of deelopment at maryhill. i really do enjoy the time there, getting to know the kids. i just feel like i need to prioritise, i need to get my head straight. i have so much to be grateful for... but somehow its not satisfying at the moment. i'm sort of mixed up and confused and not sure that trying to write it down is helping.

ok.

i feel like telling you a story, but i'm not really sure what to tell...




[insert story here]




i think i should go. i think i need an early(ish) night tonight.
good evening.