7 years old

My cousin has just left.
during the day, he managed to tickle me and my sister senseless, arrange many many attacks on uncle niall, get himself covered in mud, fall asleep on my knees, eat lots of stew, open lots of presents and generally be the cutest cousin ever. he has perfect manners too, fi and john have trained him well.

he is very cute.

you have to wonder why we can't all be like little children, ready to let go and be noisy and fall asleep when we need to and invite everyone that we love to our birthday parties and be so excited at the prospect of a gift, love giving hugs, plan multiple attacks on family members with 99p toys...

he lives in london, so i don't see him all that often and i do remember him being a tiny baby (which seems inconceivable now that he's seven -and weighs four stone, as he proudly told me whilst walking on my feet, so excited to go and take midge for a walk to the beach where we weren't allowed to take the boring path, we had to go down through the rocks and over the seaweed in all the mud.) and he's gotten so big now. i wish i was seven years old again. he just got the roald dahl books on cd for his christmas. i would (still) love that as a present! (hint hint ;) ... )

ah, he's just very sweet. but still even at that age he's been corrupted by the world. we walked up past the tay bridge, past some shrubbery that, when it was spring or summer spelt out FIFE. i spelt that, (f, i, f, e, so what does that spell?) and he said it spelt fucking. i was actually quite shocked, this beautiful little boy with his english accent saying that. so when he didn't stop, dad and i had to ignore him for a bit. it took all of a minute before he was saying, "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, please forgive me, " and all it took to let him know he was forgiven was to include him in the next conversation and laugh at his jokes and cheer him on. it was forgotten that we'd ever fallen out. so simple. but so sad that he has that in his vocabulary already.

anyway, that was my ramble. happy boxing day.

lonely soul

well, its christmas day evening, the turkey was cooked, eaten and enjoyed, presents were exchanged, the childrens talk at church was too long, but thats a story for another day.

its been, mostly, a good christmas, yes, we were missing j and granny (j chose to stay in glasgow) but aside from that.

yesterday wasn't entirely full of christmas cheer, mum and i both got a bit stressed, about the same kinda subject- cleaning. my g'parents are down from granite city for the holidays, which means i'm sharing with the littlest sherriffs, and the g'parents get my room. which is fine. i'm used to giving up my room, or parts of it, christmas wouldn't be christmas if i wasn't sleeping on a matress on the floor at least one night. however, because the g'parents would be in my room, i had to make sure it was uber tidy- by my standards it was pretty damn tidy, but that wasn't enough and i do understand why- mum has never felt entirely comfortable around the g'parents, so everything has to be as clean as poss, which gets her stressed because she thinks she'll be judged and doesn't want us to feel judged too, which i get. we are more similar than you might think. anyway, i had to clean because they were coming, which i felt a little resentful of, but not really at mum, more at them- why can't they just accept that i will always be a bit messy. anyway, i was in a bit of a strop and took it out on everyone else by being less than friendly and quiet and dismissive. by this point i was taking rubbish out to the wheelie bins, walked past mum, who said sometjing like "thankyou" i acknowleged it way too quietly, slammed the door (unintentionally, mostly) too hard and was generally a moody cow. stalked back to my roomto cry in the dark, but mum came in in tears, annoyed and upset that i'd slighted her- which i hadn't meant. we had a half enunciated crying argument, where i tried to explain i wasn't mad at her, just at myself and stuff and she said we were more alike than we realised and that she always felt she hadn't measured up as a daughter in law. but that i had always measured up for her and she didn't want anyone judging me.

so its been a mixed blessing this year.

merry christmas

i would be, i should be, so near

update: i have written one essay.
i (almost) saw two friends bands in two different venues in one night (i missed the first band because i got out of work too late, but i heard the last song through a call to erin as i was walking down the road)
i locked myself out of 25kersland for the first time this year
i got called a boy by a customer at work (er, have you had your eyes checked recently?)
i played rather a lot of mario-party in the last week

its been a good week.

mmmmmmmmmmmm.. smoothie

i bought cranberries yesterday because they were cheap and today i ate cranberry pancakes (with bacon and maple syrup, yum) and now cranberry, banana and orange smoothies (with some vanilla yoghurt and raspberry tea, yum yum.)

its a good day.

except for the essays. gargh.

the moment i said it

you should read this blog because he has a lot of good things to say and frequently says all the things i would love to think about, had i the time or was that sort of thinker.

won't you come and say if you know the way

the world we have created for ourselves is so full of censure. we

aaaaaaagh. i don't know what i'm trying to say.

sorry. i think i'll just go sit in a corner.

why why why oh god why

tonight was awesome in so many ways, i was at the evening service at church and kevin (?) one of the worship leaders was doing the talk/teaching and it was on worship (surprisingly enough) and it was just awesome. we did a few wee excercises, like meditation and writing down stuff and then we just sang and praised and it was awesome, and what was going through my head the whole time was "why"? why did nicky have to die why did granny have to go when she did why do i have to continually doubt you why did you do so much for us why did i make such amazing friends why would you go through so much pain why do you care for us why are you so amazing why why why why why why
but i couldn't escape the fact that god does love me so much that he'd give his only son for me and he'd go through that suffering and seperation and make that sacrifice for me (and you and you and you) and it was just like a big hug an amazing thought feeling emotion. so i was standing there barely able to sing through the tears just feeling so loved and secure and it was awesome i haven't felt that good in gods presence for a while so it was a homecoming of sorts. i think things are going to get a lot better here on in.

(sorry for lack of punctuation, but i was too "in the flow" to stop and punctuate and now i don't feel like it.)

Halloween

happy halloween

today is my friends birthday, he is officially the spawn of satan :) but in a lovely way. wayhey.

tonight i'm going to get all dressed up and go on the razzamatazz.. woo hoo.

it'll be fun. :)

have a good old night everyone.

my life... is a mess

i am in NY right now. in the youth hostel we're staying at, having just seen RENT (amazing by the way) which my sister paid for, on the internet (which my sister paid for) with a new bag at my feet (which my sister paid for) sensing a theme here?

I've gotta make a call to the consulate soon (which my sister'll pay for) because i got my bag stolen yesterday. yes, thats right, within an hour of being in this fair city, i got my bag (passport, visa, drivers license, bus pass, ipod and all) stolen. the police her are very nice though, even though i did keep crying at them.. and am blatantly a tourist.

well, whats done is done, i can replace all that stuff, its not that big a deal, it just sucks. i have another day and a half here, so i'll still enjoy myself. though i am soooo tired....

if we only had a moment to ourselves

ok, so its been a while since i updated this, but life has been crazy, to be honest. i've had so much to do in the last month that i just haven't stopped and i'm meant to be flying out to see my sister in the morning.. do i think i'll sleep.. mmmm, not much, eh.
so, whats been going on? well, i had freshers to do, which was crazy, but good fun, it was a kinda yeesh, i hhaven't stopped, but thats ok, i'm crazily tired and yet past the point of wxhaustion, so i'll just sit here and talk to random freshers. i think i've made a friend for life in one of the 1st years baca students. nice lad. what a gentleman. but hey.

then came the start of term, during this whole time though, i was filming with MYT my wednesday afternoon drama grou- they have all matured so much, and are doing such good work, its incredible. onyhoo, so this is going on, five days a week, i have classes, homework, lectures, its all a bit crazy. it kinda continued in this vein for a while, my parents left for peru, to go on the amazon hope and do medical supply stuff and what have you and then we get some shocking news.

my granny died monday of last week, she was 85 and two days away from her 86th birthday, in fairly good health- getting old, and forgetful but not ill or anything and in st serfs for two weeks while mum and dad were away. i was shocked. i still am i suppose. i had to phone meggie and tell her. the funeral was yesterday (wednesday) and it was good. Granny was Brethren, so there were all these women in hats (including me) and we were in this little hall in whiteinch, where granny used to worship. it was a nice service, we sang psalm 23, the lords my shepherd and then how great thou art. it was nice. there were loads of older people there who i didn't know, but who knew me... or had heard of me. i was the only one there from my immediate family, mum snd dad being in peru and meggie in the states, so that was strange, but it was good too, i suppose.

it was nice to see so many people turn out for the funeral, she was dearly loved in her community in glasgow and she never really settled into life in newort. but i will miss her. i'll miss teasng her and having fun with her, with her constant repetition of the same question, with the way she would slap my hand when i was making fun of her and laugh at me. its strange to think she's gone. but really, she is in a better place, thats what she believed and thats what i believe.

so thats my life... heading out to see meggie in about 9 hours time. yikes, i should get some sleep....

bon voyage!

Meggie left for america yesterday.
its such a weird feeling, knowing that your little sister has left the country for the best prt of ten months and is going to have a great big adventure without you and all you're doing is going back to uni.. not that thats not an adventure r whatever, don't get me wrong, i love my course and i love all the people i've met and made friends with, so i'm glad i've done what i'm doing, but still... feels like you missed the boat somewhere along the line.

anyhoo.. thats what shes doing and its all good, she's going to have an amazing time and one i'm finished this degree i'm going to go off to outer mongolia or somewhere and do community arts with them, so nyah. :)

I'm in love...

.. with 'firefly'.
it's fluffin amazin'!
I sat for 6 hours straight watching the first two disks and only stopped cos it was past 2am and i decided i wanted to save some for the next day...
flip, it was awesome!
when's season two out???
c'mon firefly!!! :)
yay!

when it rains it pours

and it has certainly been pouring in my flat recently.
the ceiling has caved in in part of debbies room, as a result of a leak from upstairs... so that was really fun to have to deal with, more so because i was shattered from camp and just wanted to sleep... but hey, it's done now.

was at camp last week, it was good, challenging, exhausting, but good. i learnt alot from some of the campers, and hopefully they learnt something too.
I got to make a felt scarf, which was awesome, it was really realy good fun!

uhm, so this has been a short update, but i really need to shower and take the dog out for a walk and then do some work- i have two weeks left to finish organising myself for cooking at camp. yeeesh.

and i found grace enough today

as the more astute of you may have noticed, most of my recent post titles are also song lyrics. fair enough, they are mostly quite obscure tracks.. but still. So, I decided, spur of the moment like, that instead of even contemplating doing more of my essay (MUST GET THAT DONE!!!!) I would talk for a while about some of my favourite songs. helped along the way by my trusty iPod.

In no particular order:

If I Fall by alice martineau. This is a beautiful song- one that was played at nicky's funeral and still reminds me of her, but in a good way.. "memories of a little girl, in my perfect world, don't cry..."

Walk Away by ben harper. a beautiful song that demonstrates how hard it is to walk away from those that ypu love, but it has to be done. one that i heard for the first time in glasgow, and has good connections with that time. its a lovely song. "too many people to love in my life, tell me, why do i worry about one?"

two songs: Girl in a Tower and Orion both written and performed by my friends el dog. both songs are lovely in their own ways. I have great respect for these guys and they write lovely songs. make me think of spending afternoons with bob just drinking tea and chatting. first time i met them, we had the randomest chats ever. it was great fun, and its been fun since then. they're so lovely.

If We Are The Body by casting crowns. the song is just a challenge to me in my faith. i need to remember that we are the body of christ (and i know a lot of you don't believe and i'm not trying to weird you out here, thi is just what i think right now) and if i am to be an effective member, i need to be reaching out and living my life in that way. its good, i've found folk in glasgow who do challenge me that way, and i'm growing.

Roundabout by the cellars. "well, this isn't easy and although i'm shaking" a lovely little band i saw in aikmans just before i left st andrews for glasgow. it kinda sums things up really. yeah, was a bit scary moving to glasgow, it was a "blend of youthful exuberance and ... its such a hopeful mix" but it was also one of the best things i've done. i just like this song.

End of an Anchor and Vindicated by dashboard confesional. beautiful songs. also As Lovers Go (Ron Fair Remix). I quite like this band all in all. "this is easy as lovers go, so don't complicated it... i said i gotta be honest i've been waiting for you all my life" feels like i've found some of the friends i've been waiing for in glasgow. thats not to say that io don't love and appreciate the friends i have in fife already, i really do, we've been through so much together and no-one can really replace that kind of amazing friendshps, but as i've grown up and into myself this past year, i've made some really interesting and strong friendships in glasgow. "i am vindictated, i am selfish, i am wrong i am right.. i am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well"

Foreverandever Etc... by the david crowder band. as well as the whole of Sunsets & Sushi (Experiments In Spectral Deconstruction) because it is a magnificent remix album. david crowder just has a way of expressing everything i want to say when i'm talking to God, but can't really find the words to say. its beautiful music.

hey! by david murray. what a corker. this is a track by a guy from my church, it features on the album, subject to change which was created by glasgow westend vineyard. such a gorgeous song... it just expresses his lost ness and loneliness and how he was pulled out of that "don't be alarmed, i'm ok, big G caught me just in time, said stop beautiful, don't you know you're a miracle of mine"

Be My Downfall by del amitri. what else can i really say? it characterises a certain period of my life and although i'm not proud of it it happened and it shaped me in some subtle ways. but other than those connotations, in its own right, this is a lovely song, as are all the rest of the del amitri songs.

Sing a New Song by emmaus. "yeah, the sun will shine again, the food will taste fine again the tears will be wiped from every face upon the earth"

Love Is Strange by everything but the girl. "love, love is strange, many people take it for a game, once you've had it you're in an awful fix, cos after you've had it, you never wanna quit" i can't say it better than that.

Portuguese Skies by jo mango. actually, the whole album is lovely. the songs speak for themselves really. this is slightly melancholy and that rings true.

nooks by king creosote. this reminds me of summer two years ago. study leave at the end of fifth year actually. not because i listened to it a lo at that point, but because emily gave it to me on a cd and i spent a lot of my time with her. so it reminds me of anstruther. i love the song in itself other than that anyway, it has many resonances...

i won't take up much more of your time, i promise...

Homesick by the kings of convenience. what an awesome band and a stonker of a track. it reminds me of certain nights out and certain people- just the lyrics of it. its a classic. (ps, thanks for introducing me to the album gordon!)

Less Than Love by the normals. its a very true song. shared it recently with a good friend of mine who was having a bit of a rough time re girls etc etc, one in particular was messing up his head, so we just sat in my room and drank tea and chatted and i made him listen to this song, i sent him the lyrics to it and it was good. its a good song.

Wedding Day by rosie thomas. this is an artist with the most beautiful songs ever. bittersweet and perfect.

Can I Stay Here Forever? by starfield. this song reminds me of myself in so many ways. there is a longing in it and i identify with so many bit of it. i've been in those situations, torn myself to pieces over some guy, been ridiculous about relationships, deserted God, gone my own way, but i have come back and this just captures that kind of search. its beautiful.

Drops Of Jupiter by train. what a cool song. i just love it. it makes me smile, it makes me cry. i love the whole album.

Love and also Run To by yvonne lyon. another artist from my church, she has a gorgeous voice and she uses it well. her lyrics are beautiful.
i'll leave it there.

love, love is a flood of torn tears and love will carry you home. love that loves for beauty's sake will soon as beauty die.

frozen

i felt the urge to write a blog this evening, but i don't know what about. and i don't actually have time to do it properly, so i will come back to it after navs. and thats a promise.


*a week or three later*

er, well, i guess I didn't really keep that promise.
sorry.

was at home last weekend, saw alex after her op, she seems to be doing well. really wanted to take a trip to balmerino, but then couldn't, time etc contstraints.

anyway, i've finished all my essays for monday and after that i just have one more to do, which i will do very soon. so i'm very happy about all these things :)

off to meet nomy for coffee. hope you all have lovely productive days! :)

Do not tell me what i can and cannot do when i rock

saw Jo Mango last night- she was rocking pretty hard! YAY! Go JO!
WE're getting a flat!!!!
the deposit goes down today!!!!!
i'm so EXCITED!

thats all.

an austrian went yodelling...

wo, its been a while since i updated this.
I do apologise.
Just been an open mic night at sleazys. it was really good, but there were several types of performers:

1 the guys you don't think on first appearances should be there, but then give really stonking performances (we had some amazing gospel songs from a fairly unusual candidate.)

2 the emo guys who give really heart searing performances and kinda fit into the background but have no banter and take themselves just a little too seriously sometimes

3 the extroverts who know they like the stage and give you a bit of banter as well as a great song

4 this one really cute slightly confused canadian guy, who was just soooo extraordinarily pleased about everything and who you just wanted to hug.

5 one or two performers who held the mic too close for the high notes and wrecked the enjoyment.

but without a mix of these people the nigt might well have bummed. its crazy, there are some real regulars at this night and they're all good and obviously well liked and then there are some newcomers, but theres a real buzz around the place, althoug everyone respects whoever is on stage and the room pretty much shuts up to listen to them. its ace. and they give out free marshmallows! i'm loving that it has to be said.

So anyway, i reckon i should head to bed. gotta be up and out for 8.15 tomorrow!

empty hands

i dislike technology sometimes. iTunes doesn't want to play properly atm. blehhhh.
today was frustrating. we had a drama rehearsal scheduled for this morning, which, the hope was, everyone would turn up for and participate in. they didn't.

there were the five of us doing the workshop, then two others in the second drama group and about four other people. some people sat out (they were ill, it was ok) people came, but left to do other things.. aargh. it just wasn't fun. and the team project was draining and just blugh. then i relaxed for about twenty minutes after several phone calls to the school etc etc, checked my emails, loads of crappy ones, one quite nice one, which i actually forwarded (thats unusual btw. i don't particularly like forwards or send them often, but i'll make exceptions.) before i ran off to tea, ate my dinner in five minutes flat, went to a rather dull and pointless course comittee meeting where none of my lecturers attended (they're all in spain or something) so it was pointless pointless pointless.

and i've just been sitting around my room now. not really doing much. i should start on my essay's. think i'll start them after this.

yesterday was fun though. i went into town, spent too much money, went to the drama group at maryhill, which was really really funny, met nomy for coffee, ate some rather nice stew, went back into town, met bob, walked to his flat, had a cup of tea and went home. fell asleep. it was nice.

hope you're all doing well.

i'd recommend reading a million little pieces by james frey.

have fun.

ps i'm looking forward to the weekend when folk are coming up to glasgow.. woooooo:)

We're the pirates who don't do anything

Pete is now bald. He raised £3000 for charity (half to the church windows fund, the other half to the Yorkhill Schiehallian Childrens Cancer ward) in one big haircutting session. A pretty expensive haircut to be honest...

I have a cold.

I went to bobs after work on saturday night abd sat around his kitchen table drinking tea and smoothies and talking, mostly to Johanna and Matt, who ar actually hilarious. I was in stitches. And my tummy hurt from too much laughing by the end of the night. All in all, it was a good night.

Friday night, me and my navs girls did some baking and then stood outside the QMU from 1am to 3am giving out free coffee and tea and baked goods. it was really good fun. We got some totally random conversations, but it was all good.

So today I'm cooking for the girls. Well, Nicky and I are.

Have you ever heard the same kind of thing several times from several sources? recently, I've heard lots of sermons, discussions and notices about serving. Especially service to the poor or needy. It's not smething I would have automatically have thought of in connection with me, but it sometimes feels like God is pushing me that way.

I got up an hour before I had to this morning because I wanted to take photos for class. and I've done that now, but that only took like five minutes.. so I've been bumming around my room with nothing to do for ages.

I think I'm going to leave now. I think I'm going to lunch with Jo next sunday. should be good.

Good night.

I am letting myself go, I am letting myself go.

so, to continue the phone recovery story, Kendra had locked her phone in her room and gone to town. she then phoned me to try and get into her room and retrieve it. I couldn't do that unless she phoned Raj. Which she did so I got her phone. and thats that.

so for the rest of wednesday, I went to Byres road to give a woman a badge that I was fixing for her. I completed Bob's birthday present, and wrapped it up, I went on to the project at Maryhill which was great, I picked up Tara from the train station, ate dinner in a really nice little italian bistro cafe thing, went to the el dog gig and then came home again. All in all, it was a really good day.

Yesterday, I went to class and took Tara to the bus, got the night off work and went round to Bobs for an el dog meal. it was really nice, it was just the band, jo, gail, ronnie and me, so it was cool. Bob got a dance mat for his birthday from alan and jim so that was the main highlight of the evening, i suck at the dance mat, completely, i got like 37,000 points, whereas calum got 207,500. so you can see how much better the drummer is than me. good food good chat, in general a really good night.

so today i woke up and was all ready to go to dance (if a bit grudgingly) when i get to the tom bone building and find that our class has been cancelled, due to illness. so thats not good. at any rate we have a team project meeting and write out a quick proposal, in order to send it off to the primary schools we are hoping to work with. so at least something good came from it all.

this afternoon I'm off to meet my mum and sister in town, do a bit of shopping or something. have coffee.. the usual. so that should be good. then its off to work... boo hooo. it should be fun. well.. anyway.

so thats my plan. tomorrow, think i've got the day off and am just working the evening shift, so i don't know what i'll do all day... sunday, i might be popping over to larbert forthe morning, Pete is cutting off his dreads for charity so i think i'll go see that. coffee with nomy in the evening, unless roz wants to go to the johnathan rice gig... we'll see. at any rate it'll be monday morning soon enough and another round of team project. woopdedoo.

hope you all have enjoyable weekends.

well, if music died, i don't think i'd survive

ho hum.

yesterday, the weather was miserable, i had a annoying morning, in that i left all my notes for a class in the room afterwards and was half way to town before i realised. not supposed to be back there til next tuesday, but i suppose i should go try get them back.. grrrrr. oh yeah and then i locked myself out of my room, but the cleaners let me back in, so that was fine. anyway, i then met Bob at 1.47 at the buchanan galleries. we walked (the really long and confusing way) back to jordanhill in the pouring rain. both soaked to the skin. so i abandon him to the tea room at scotstoun to read his book while i go for an induction to the gym. which was fine. long, but good. came back to mine and Bob drank some of my free whisky. not that he likes whiskey, but hey. it was fun.

then i had navs, which was lovely and we all ate far too much chocolate.

so now i'm sitting here with nothing to do til around 1.30 uh, ok, now i have a mission.. to try and get into kendras room and get her phone.. off to find a cleaner..

Shout to the North and the South

so today has been a little eventful. In a good way.

Laura and I both dyed our hair, I'm very blonde now, she's gone a lot darker. it looks really good actually.

Then we drove (well, Anna drove, its her car) to the Airport to surprise Kendra on her arrival back in the country. so that was really nice. Then we ate tea and watched lots of Sex and the City. and I might actually get a vaguely early night tonight, which would be very exciting. :)

So its off to bed I go.

yesterday I made badges and comforted Laura through her Gay-bar induced hangover.

today Laura and I also went to church, which is my favourite part of sundays. and the pastor was really good. and I (and Jules) signed up for the arts ministry. SCORE!

night all.

It's all understood

i guess thats what I feel like actually, that it is all understood and i don't have to worry about it, or people, because i know where i stand and thats cool with me.

I've finally handed in all my assignments for semester 1 and i've mostly done my other homework. which is good and means i can relax. so I am for the next week.

I went to a Herman Dune gig last thursday, it was really good fun actually, I went with Emily and a couple of her Edinburgh friends. So that was nice. If the dog's had been playing as they were supposed to have been, I woulda seen them. Instead, Tara met them on friday night and had (what calum later described as) a "Riveting conversation." Actually, she said, in true Tara fashion, oh, so you know Suzi? (I'd just texted her to that effect.) They were bewildered but agreed and that, as far as our lovely Tara was concerned, was that. No more conversation neccessary, see ya later guys. Calum was rather amused as he told me that story on Monday. Although was actually more interested in the fact he'd cut his pinky open on his drums.

Anyway, so I had a really nice Christmas, was at home for it, but not for the run up, and then did a lot of too-ing and fro-ing from Newport to Glasgow in and before the New Year. However it was fun and I got to see a couple of friends- Bob the first saturday and Nomy the first sunday. Nomy and I went to lunch after church and ended up in Beanscene from 4 til 11. It was a mammoth catch up session. but very enjoyable. Bob and I also had an enjoyable time wandering around the city centre, acting like small children (my speciality...) and generally having a laugh.

So I'm once again home for a while, it was Meggies birthday today and she had her first driving lesson. She seems to be enjoying it, so thats all good.

Back to Glasgow on thursday, where I have been told I MUST watch Dodgeball.... so that'll be interesting. Class starts on Monday.
I guess thats me for now.