who am i?

was just on myspace, cos i just got a request from one of my friends from home and i don't know who i am anymore. i was looking at her pictures and there are so many things associated with her and school that i thought i wanted and then gave up but seeing her think i want all over again- more piercings, a taste for heavy metal, liking jack daniels and jagermeister. none of which i am or have. but its like if i can be so easily influenced and saddened by her having the things that i was going to do, who does that make me? i confuse myself all the time. i enjoy things i never thought i would (electronic-influenced music, baked beans and cottage cheese to name a few) and yet thats all because of other people too.. really, who am i apart from all the people around me? who God says i am, i guess, thats still in the making, i still can't see that girl clearly. proverbs has a "hymn to a good wife" (proverbs31.10-31) but i'm really not anywhere close to any of that (nor am i a wife). i'm not trying to put myself down lots here, i'm just trying to understand who i am, where i fit.. ach its just a strange mood i'm in.

i-l-o-v-e-m-y-l-i-p-s

i might get mad and call my dad

i'm looking round my room. i have so much stuff.. and only two weeks left to pack it all up and get ready to move it all around the city... woop woop.. what fun. oh and a cow. which needs to get to ireland somehow.. how do these things happen to me?? bertha might need to go back to Nomy for a while.. oh dear.. another taxi for Bertha i think.

looks like this ceilidh is going ahead, so heres your official invitation- 30th june (a saturday) at newport-on-tay church hall, there will be a ceilidh in honour of my sister turning 18 (in january, oops), me turning 20 (but not really for that) and meggie coming home from the states. SO if you are in the country, you HAVE to come. I want it to be a really good night for my sister. There WILL be FOOD, but its BYOB if you want anything other than water or juice... :)

i hope to see you there.. from 7.30 on. if you need directions, or a place to stay, we can provide both things.. :)

hum. i think i need to go to bed really soon. i want to get up in the morning and be able to go to the gym before i have to get ready for work (bleurgh, work..)
so i shall say adieu.
adieu.

You are the God who sees me.

Genesis 16.13 Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. she said 'You are the God who sees me.'*
The Hebrew for the phrase 'You are the God who sees me.' is El-roi.

Matthew 15.8-9 These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce, they teach man made ideas as commands from God. 11 It's not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; but you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

Nehemiah 5.8 At the meeting I said to them, "We are doing all we can to redeem our Jewish relatives, who have had to sell themselves to pagan foreigners, but you are selling them back into slavery again. How often must we redeem them?"

Acts 15.11 We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of of the Lord Jesus.

well, its much later than i intended to be up tonight. i read recently that you should write as if you aren't going to be read and then you'll be honest and truthful. i'll try.

theres just so much to say and not enough time or space. i have issues that i need to sort out with God and myself, an incident that just keeps coming up in my mind from when i was like 11. people that i thought were friends that encouraged me in the wrong direction. nothing major, but its all baggage and it obstructs my relationship with God and others. and recently i've been really bad, i just haven't had the inclination to open my bible and to read the truth there. i am undisciplined and unmotivated and i find it hard when i'm home because i don't have the greatest church. and for all that the community is there, you really need the teaching too...
lord, i pray that you would be in that, that you would be with our minister in newport, with his family and the rest of the congregation, lord, help ken to be relevant and gospel based and real for the congregation. lord reveal yourself once again.. and lord, for the whole family, i pray you'd be in that situation, in your power.

God, i am so weak and feeble, i can't bring myself to be disciplined before you and yet if i am to be of any use this summer, i need your guidance. lord there are so many situations i just cannot do without you. El-roi, as Hagar named you, El-roi. you know what it is i lack, what i need to be taught, how i feel, what haunts me, lord it is all crystal clear to you. god i pray that you would begin to help me reconcile this image of how i am, how i really am, to how you would have me be. lord give me the strength to be directed and take it on board.


God, so many times, i feel like a pharisee, that iam defiling myself by the motivation of what i say and how i say it. god i pray you would challenge me on that. and i am scared to say that because i know You will. Lord God, i ask that you would truly be the one i fear and respect and love the most. God that i would be merciful to my neighbours and friends, that i would be helping redeem others, not selling them back into their "slavery".



This is how i journal quiet times. this is how i meditate on passages of scripture and how i'm trying, so hard, but with so little commitment sometimes, to read the whole bible. its hard, and its going to take more than a year, thats for sure.

Be still and know that I am God. psalm 46.10
thats a lesson i need to learn, for sure.





















[be still]















[know that I am God]











[be still]




i think i need to sleep now. my brain is tired. good night.