so come close and close your eyes

Aisssssssssh. i'm not happy.
my computer just shut down and the post i had been writing for the last hour or so has been lost.
i hate posts that start like this, but i needed to tell you.
i'm not even going to try and recreate what i had originally said, it wasn't entirely interesting, the main highlights were: i've been working too hard, committing to too much, eaten something i shouldn't have and then suffering for it. other things related to the week, including bobs dads funeral on wednesday. the gig on wednesday night. my day today.

anyway. that was what i was talking about and i'm sorry it got lost, because it took time. i'm so wittering now.

and to see me made her awful sad and to touch me made her awful sad

(regina spektor oedipus)

i used to send this blog to a friend of mine called emily- as in each time i posted on it, she would get an email. i'm not sure why we started that, but we did, and then a while back i changed it so that if she wanted to read it, she'd have to come to the site. i guess it just felt weird to still be sending her those emails when we hadn't really talked in quite a long time.

i find it hard to ask questions.
i have lots of doubts and questions and things but i really don't know what to do, i can't even articulate them. i just.. find it hard at the moment. there are passages that i read in the bible that don't seem to make any sense or fot with the image we have of god, but then, what do i know of god? who am i to make him fit my mould?

i've had enough to break me in two, to tear me apart, what am i to do? what else can i do? so sing me a song, let me hum along, at the top of my lungs, i come undone, what else can i do? what can i do? (david crowder band b collision intro)

that song just came on pandora as i was writing those last words (who am i to...). fitting.
have i told you that i love pandora.com? (thanks debberina!) its awesome, i suggest you go there.

to be honest in some ways it feels like i could quite easily just come apart at the seams theres lots going on and its all interesting and exciting, but i'm really sad that i'm going to miss out on another five weeks of deelopment at maryhill. i really do enjoy the time there, getting to know the kids. i just feel like i need to prioritise, i need to get my head straight. i have so much to be grateful for... but somehow its not satisfying at the moment. i'm sort of mixed up and confused and not sure that trying to write it down is helping.

ok.

i feel like telling you a story, but i'm not really sure what to tell...




[insert story here]




i think i should go. i think i need an early(ish) night tonight.
good evening.

be still my heart this could a brand new start

you should listen to "be still my heart" by the postal service.
ok, so this might be a bit of a confessional and a bit out of the blue, but what the hey. i think it should be said at some point.
you never know this could be a brand new start, i might actually let go of this now.
let me tell you a story.

this story begins with a girl. just your average scottish girl, not entirely sure if the faith she professes to is real, and being 16, is full of insecurities about herself and how people, boys (especially boys), girls, anyone sees her. one day, she recieves in her inbox a comment from a stranger who thinks she is "interesting". this piques her curiousity, how can a stranger think she is interesting- especially as the only evidence they have to go on is a pretty old msn spaces profile. nonetheless, the comment is there, so she replies, "why? and, by the way thats an old profile, i've changed a bit ;)" a conversation ensues, where it comes out that this stranger thinks she is the sort of person he would like to get to know. it also comes out that this stranger (lets call him -yes, him- Garry) is 29 years old. this doesn't put her off however, lets face it, an older man thinks she's interesting? who would give that up?

so the conversations progress, they text and email and instant message all the time, she begins to phone him, they talk most nights for an hour or so, discussing all sorts of things, aliens, religion, drugs, even sex. she tells him she is a virgin. he seems surprised. he still likes her though, he wants her to go to his house (just about an hours drive from her house) for the weekend, where they can drink and play strip chess and fall over. yes, really.

after a month or two Garry begins to ask when he can meet her, until now she's always been slightly evasive, even she recognises that there may be some element of danger in this, however, she does want to meet him, he's the most interesting person she's met in a long time. they eventually arrange to meet up one weekend, when she has to be in school anyway, so she meets him near there. they go for coffee and she discovers that its really easy to talk to and flirt with this guy, this damaged person who has never really followed his dreams, who was hurt by his parents, was damaged by finding out he was adopted and had to learn to love and trust again, yet, there is still nervousness. he offers to drive her home, and it takes a few nudgings before she accepts. she doesn't want to tell her mum, in her heart she knows that this isn't exactly a good situation. that afternoon, however she takes her courage in both hands and tells her mum. but she lies. she says that this guy is friends with her friends cousin. and that her friend went with her too. not that that makes it that much better. her mum is still worried about her and she tells one lady from her church, a trained councellor.

seperately from her mum talking to the councellor, another lady (shona, lets call her) who knows the family talks to the councellor about the girl. shona is known for being gifted with the holy spirit, she often is blessed in different ways. anyway, shona has a dream about the girl, in which she is given a word "predator". shona believes that there is a predatory force at work around the girl. shona tells the councellor, who passes this on to the mum. mum and dad discuss this and eventually, a few days later decide to talk to the girl about it.

during this same week, one of the girls friends dies. this friend, charlotte (as good a name as any) had cysitic fibrosis, and had had it ever since she was born. charlotte had been extremely lucky to make it as long as she did. the mum had gone to see charlotte and her mother and had told them about the girl and garry. charlotte was upset at this and told the mum not to letthe girl do that, because "she was far too beautiful". a day or two after that conversation, charlotte died. this was an emotional time for the girl, it was a monday morning when she found out and on the wednesday evening her parents decided to talk to her about the situation with garry. being good christian parents, they emphasised the fact that they thought it was the devil tempting the girl. this was hard for the girl to hear, she was upset about charlotte and needing the support garry was giving her, and also confused, she didn't feel she was enough of a christian to be worth bothering the devil. that talk didn't really resolve anything. the girl still made plans to meet garry again, this time with her friends around. the night of charlottes funeral. unsurprisingly her friends and garry didn't really get on that well. too much of an age gap, cultural differences... everything. the relationship cooled slightly over the next few weeks, but there was still almost daily contact.

the girl and her mum went to spring harvest that easter, about two weeks after charlotte died. during that week, the girl wasn't expecting to be able to get access to her email, but she still told garry to email her. she had a good time that week, making new friends, going to different talks and actually, for once really beginning to experience God. she made one friend, sam, who she learnt a lot from, how being different was ok- you didn't have to follow the crowd. he was important in helping her to be ok with herself. even if he didn't realise it. one night at the youth services, the teachers at the front asked people to come forward for prayer. the girl, realising she had to do something, went forward. she was prayed over and her mind was, for once at peace. that night, in her fold out sofa bed, she really prayed. she asked God to look after the situation with garry, to be in control. if it was his will that she be an instrument of truth in his life, then so be it, but if not, that was ok too.

in the car on the way home, she put on a del amitri cd, which started with the track "be my downfall". her mum asked how garry was. she answered, honestly, "i don't know". when she got home, there were no emails from him. she had recieved no texts from him. during the week, she had deleted all his texts and erased his numbers- that was how God was in control, if he contacted her, then it was for a reason. she heard from him once more, over a year later, she got an email through, a generic quiz type email that you pass round all your contacts. she didn't reply- what was there to say?

the last time she saw him was a year, almost to the day since the last time she had met up with him. he was walking along the main road near her school, she was on a study period and at the shop. they walked past each other. once he was past and looking in a window she recognised him. the experience shocked her. so badly she was shaking for about ten minutes, like seeing a ghost. to this day she doesn't even know if it was him or if he recognised her.... for a time, such important figures to each other and then... nothing.

what else is there to say?

wee-oo-wee-oh

I've watched a lot of House recently. If you've never seen it, its this crazy american medical drama starring Hugh Laurie (with a very un-British accent) as the cynical detached pill-popping Dr House who always get the diagnosis. Its pretty addictive.

Anyway, I was thinking, as I watched this, that we are quite like that sometimes, always looking for the complex answer when sometimes (alright, admittedly never in House) the answer actually is the easiest one.

To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I've had a few conversations recently that have been really good, like yesterday I had a really good chat with a friend about life and especially about CU this year, which has been really encouraging, because it's always really hard to make decisions, especially ones that have consequences for more people than just yourself. So deciding to take on a role in CU this year has been a big issue. For ages I wasn't sure I would be any good, or would be fired up about it, but some people have just been encouraging, about me personally, the gifts and talents they see me bringing to groups and about how the experience will make me grow. So that has all been good. It's been encouraging to hear from people what they think of me, how they've seen me grow, because I find it very hard to gauge how I have actually grown, what I have learnt and put into practice.

The episode of House I was just watching was all about a doctor who has been working in Africa for the last twenty years treating TB and who had caught the disease- as well as having a tumor on his pancreas. Anyway, he was adamant that he didn't want the TB treatment until more medicine was promised to his practices in Africa. He seemed selfless. He knew how to work the media, he was a bit of a charmer. And it struck me that we can all be a bit like that, we want, supposedly to help other people, but how much is it about helping ourselves? This man, in the last scene, as he was leaving hospital to goo back to Africa was, once again, surrounded by camera crews. He was at home there. Yes, he was all noble and saving lives, but he loved the attention it generated him, whereas House couldn't care less what people thought of him, as long as he ended up doing the right thing and treating the patient. I want to be more like House, not caring what the world thinks, neither when they hate me, nor- harder- when they love me. It's such a hard thing to do, to not judge yourself by the worlds standards, by what theythink you should be doing, how much you should be earning, whatever. I need to learn to judge myself by Gods standards, what he thinks of me. It's hard. I'm still learning.

This was a bit disjointed.. sorry.

calling all angels

well, its been an interesting two days. little frustrated at how much i have to take home to glasgow and how little space i actually have. i am so so so not looking forward to moving out of my room, ever.. so much junk. unreal.
anyway. today was nice.mostly just on my own, with my dog for company. was making tea for my parents- their christmas gift. so i made a fragrant thai green curry and a fresh cocnut, tomato and cucumber relish-y thing. oh and polenta cake for after. it was nice. they were off at the team leaders day all today.

yesterday evening i got a call from dawn, to let me know that Bob's dad had just died. he had a heart attack. unexpected. nick- bobs brother is still in china. amy- bobs sister has two small boys who aren't going to know their grandpa as they get older than this.
I barely knew mr rafferty, but he seemed like a really nice guy, he loved his son, was at pretty much every gig taking photos. anyway. its very sad. and i feel for bob. but its funny, dawn is so concerned about me- needs to make sure i'm ok- i've not been bereaved, not this time anyway- that was october, when granny died. anyway.

i'm not sure i fully worked through all the emotions around granny dying- everything just happened so fast. there was so much going on. mum got a bit upset yesterday, she still has things to sort out and i think she does get a bit lonely being in the house on her own- both meggie and i have moved out and dad quite often has to go on business trips and shes just found herself a bit cut loose from her old way of life, including granny and pharmacy- which she has officially retired from now... how scary.

i was just thinking today, what would i do if i lost my dad? i really feared for a while when jenni was meeting me to tell me about granny that it might have been mum or dad and they'd been bitten on the boat or something, i was so scared. and it made me miss them so much more while they were away. i never usually miss them this much, but i was scared and alone and grieving. and i know that this isn't nice, but its true - i don't think i would have been as sad if it had been my other gran- that is such a horrible thing to say, but i think its only because i don't know them that well. whereas granny was part of my weekly life in newport. i picked her up in the little yellow car on a sunday, mum and i took her shopping in marks on a wednesday when i was home and free, i teased her, i laughed with her, i got frustrated with her, i just knew her as well as a granddaughter could. and ok i wasn't the best granddaughter, but she accepted me as i was.

and i can't imagine what my mum went through and what bob and amy and nick are going through, i don't want to lose my dad ever. and i know it will happen one day, but i don't want to think about it, because it would mean my mum was on her own. and i don't know how jan copes. its been over a year since she lost iain, since jules and jenny lost their dad and i don't know how they cope with it. but i know that god is in control and we just have to take it one day at a time and pray for the safety of our loved ones.

second thoughts on church

i was also going to tell you about my church at home. about how there is a really vibrant youth group and youth worker, an awesome fairtrade cafe, a lovely building, and a congregation whos needs are not being fulfilled by a minister who is more worried about what the news is saying that what God is trying to say to him. thats not to say that the minister is completely hopeless, he was a very good minister for many years, but there have been so many trials associated with the parish that he's been disillusioned and needs to recoup. i'm not trying to run him down, or out, but he deserves prayer. and guidance.

that was a bit of a random after-post-thought. anyhoo, i shall leave you to your lives.

church

first of all, check out this because it was this article that got me thinking about the subject.

i've been thinking about church a bit recently. i had a chat with my friend prim a couple of weeks ago, because she'd stopped going to church for ages, she was having a tough time spiritually etc and she'd decided to trythe church that her godmother goes to, (i don't know how she's getting on, we're overdue for a coffee...) because it was supposed to be really good at doing community which is what prim needed. anyway, she knew it would be hard.

it was around that time that i was thinking about maybe changing churches, worried that i was only there for a few people, because i knew people going there- basically, it appeared a pretty "cool" church, and i was worried i was being too shallow. ha. is it not enough that we know we sometimes go to church because we want to speak to people we like, we want to sing worship with a great band. but how much does that matter? as long as, at the end of it all, the purpose and the people are there to worship God.

i went to debs church a couple weeks after that. and i did enjoy myself. but it wasn't home. the people weren't my people, not because they weren't "cool" enough, the songs weren't mine, not because i didn't know them (which i didn't, but thats ok) but because i didn't know these people. they didn't know me. i know, if i went for a couple of weeks, people would know me and they are very friendly, lozzle and cath and i went for lunch with two boys from church- alright cath and lozzle knew them quite well anyway, but it was the gesture. the thing is, i have begun to build community with the people i go to church with. i am involved in various projects outside of sunday morning, i have a housegroup now. that one was hard work. i couldn't quite shake off the feeling that i wasn't old enough to go to housegroup, but once i got there and began to work at forming relationships, it got better. like i said to b the other night, (on googlemail chat..)

b- so is housegroup going good 4 u?
me- its different- you know how you go into some things with ideas and perceptions about how that should be, well, i kinda did and its not neccessarily been like that, which has been more of a struggle than i'd thought, but yeah, its good, there are a nice mix of people and they all bring different things, so thats cool.
b- yeah i guess its hard not to have some preset ideas....you can have NO thoughts on something right? but then its also hard when things change
but great you can see how everyone contributes something different
me- indeed, but in this case, although i wasn't much enjoying it to start, it is getting better, more people have joined us and the group is beginning to have its own dynamic.
yeah, its nice to know you do contribute something...

it was hard at the start, i went every week and kinda sat there, thinking, i'm only really here because my its at my friends house... and i guess i was kinda lax about the whole thing. but this year, since i started second year, its gotten a lot better. a few more new people have joined us, we've kinda bonded better. its strange because i did navs last year and my group were awesome. all the girls i studied with each week just brought so much, so many questions, so many fears, ideas, goals, dreams.. just amazing people and it was such a priviledge to share life with them (if any of you ever read this, i really do love you guys.) through all the hard times and some awesome times. and even though our group is no more, i know that at least some of those relationships will last the test of time. and i went into housegroup wishing for the same thing, truly and thats not going to happen.

i also worry about one of my friends. i just fear that she isn't leading the life God truly wants for her, that she has made some bad decisions and is too attached to the world. i so don't want to sound judgemental, or hypocritical, because i know that i have not done any better, have made some of the same mistakes... i just need to pray for her, truthfully. i don't know what else to do or say.

well, this started out about church and kinda veered off point a little, but hey.
will leave you with this i think:

I will pray for you now for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I could not ask for more than what you’ve already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me

May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall come crashing down around your feet

May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater each stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride

What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the one who made us
And see him smile when life is through

May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they’d be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see

May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you’d learn to trust the plan he has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true

I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I’ll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me.

(kendall payne)

giving with no expectation of return

hmmm.
i was siting in my room trying to get myself motivated to do some work (yup, didn't happen) and i got an email, so i thought i'd go through y emails, delete some maybe.. anyway, i came across all the ones i'd saved from one of my best friends in the last few years of school. i love my friends from school, but me and jen were really close. i think i told her just about everything. she knew how i felt about nicky, mostly about gareth and everything else in between. we would just send each other these random emails for no reason other than we had nothing else to do. with roz it wasn't quite the same, we were really close, but she was more of the long rambly email type and much as i love her, she's not jen. the saddest thing is that even back then, there was so much angst, gill was being needy and didn't know how to tell us. i don't really want to drag up old dirt, its really not worth it, but i think we all got really hurt by gill and jonny and i'm not saying it was their fault, i think it was two way. i know i didn't make enough effort. at the time i was just so wrapped up in myself that i didn't really want to get all that involved and have to put in so much effort. but i should have and not doing it hurt all of us i think.

even though there were bad times and we grew apart, i still love these guys, and i spent new year with them, and it was different but it was good. i still find it takes us a while to get back into the swing of it. i feel sad that we've grown apart so much over the year and a half we've all left school. both roz and jen kinda spent last year drinking as much as possible and doing all those student things. which is cool, but because i, although being a student too, haven't been drinking til i puke, or going out with lots of people or whatever, i feel we've lost some of our common ground. i just haven't seen them that much, and i supose i don't make it any better by not coming home or visiting much, but i guess i just wanted to invest in glasgow. it has been, since first year, my home. i don't want to feel that i'm losing these relationships that did mean so much to me, but i don't want to compromise myself.
hopefully it'll all work out. i'm not giving up yet anyway.

ramble ramble ramble.

take a look at me now

well, Happy New Year....
do hope people had a lovely hogmanay and are enjoying the start of this lovely new year.
a few resolutions:
1- to be more honest with people generally, and myself i guess
2- to eat less chocolate and more fruit (yeah, yeah, but i'll do it.)

er, thats all i thought of so far.
oh, but this is important and not really a new years resolution so much as a resolution- to do my best to spend 10 minutes min every day studying scripture etc. thats the plan.

just been perusing the old posts on this- i was quite open here for a while. there were things i hid, but mostly i wasopen. so maybe this should be part of that. i know less people read this than maybe once did and thats a good thing too i guess, there shouldn' really be any censorship. also i changed the url recently, so some people will have fallen off the map- ie my mum. not that i mind her reading this but.. i guess i do. i guess i'll just have to email them more often so they know whats going on...

in that spirit of open-ness, still unsure as to who might ever read this, might give you a little run down of my year. no pictures cos this is the wrong computer, and i'm not that great with the whole photoblogging thing, but hey ho. so this year... well, strted off in st andrews with friends to see in the new year, january to march was lots of work at uni, we had team project to plan and deliver, which was awesome but hard work. march through may was placement, assistant cooking at camp, uni work, assignments, organising a ceilidh... june was more ceilidh prep, my 19th birtjhday, a bit of time to relax- but not much. july brought more challenges- two camps, one as a group leader of five awesome girlseach with so much spirit and wildness and love and compassion and need. the other as the cheif cook for a camp i'd ben a camper at the year before. the time before that second camp was spent planning, ordering, crying, healing. spent some time in the new flat generally being a bum and not really living for anyone but me. too much wine, a ciggarette or ten are all not good ways to spend your summer if you're me. so, september saw an attempt at a fresh start, but without the vital ingredient- reliance on god, was trying to make it happen all on my own. freshers week, MYT, a gig many things to do at uni were all encompassed in that semptember and october. sooo busy. meggie left for the states at the end of august. october, mum and dad went to peru, granny died, i went to see meggie in new york. had my bag stolen, lost money, had to traipse through the embassy just to spend more of other peoples money on a temporary passport, had a great weekend otherwise, saw RENT. came home, dived right back into the busy-ness of life. november, expired. more to do for MYT, more work, less busy-ness, pace slightly calmed. december, qiter,shopping, secret santa, a flat family christmas, which was beautiful. awesome carol service. an important decision. long conversations with b and nomes, good chat from sarah, the ginger german leaves the flat for 2 1/2 months- very sad. christmas.

brings us up to january 2007. where i do hope to do better. but not by myself. aim to live with and for the Lord. know it will be hard, but hope to be stretched, questioned, challenged. start reading velvet elvis with sarah. go on placement. really hope to be useful.

looks to be a good year though. this is the year that i turn 20. amazing how time flies.

wishing you every blessing for 2007.... :)