his ways

i think i've been learning a lot recently, about my self and my need to be honest and the challenge to be vulnerable. tonight at cu we had two guys in to talk about apologetics. well, nicj was there for that, johnny was there for prayer ministry etc, which was really good. i felt i had a few things on my heart that i needed to chat through and so i spoke to johnny and he prayed for me. mostly it was about this one person i know who is always challenging me, who always has new questions, new ways to try and defeat me, make me "admit" that my faith is a sham, that i am illogical to believe what i believe and who i always end up having conversation-debate-arguments with about my convictions and beliefs with and johnny just really spoke into the situation, realising that i neede release from the burden of having all these doubts poured on my head, all these tough conversations which didn't always come at a goodtime, which did make me re-evaluate myself, and he allowed me to want to be free of that. he just poured blessing onto the situation and just had some real insight into the kind of things i needed to spoken to about.

tonight was good for that, for recognising that no-one is perfect and that there is a lot i need to sort out with my Father, God who created me. the things He wants to speak into my life but has no chance because i am too busy, ignoring, bypassing, serving. its ok for me to need to have my space i don't have to be constantly serving others, loving them, caring, putting them first, twisting my own life around their needs, although i will still and my whole career is and will be oriented around the people i meet and serve and love. and i need to do that in order to fulfil who God created me as. it was just really reaffirmed for me tonight that i will find out and need to remember who i am in Christ. that i will grow in love and faith and knowledge and i will have my heart broken over and over for people and situations and areas. that i will never stop loving people, that i will continue to encourage, to laugh, to be joyful, that i will never stop being who i was created to be. that i must centre myself in my Father. that He loves me and that it is this love that i will be pouring out, that my own love is not enough, is too finite, is too conditional to be enough, that i need to be filled and refreshed by Gods love but that i must draw near to him in order to have that refreshing and refilling.

i really hope and pray that i will discover more of what God has for me in the new year, that, come the spring, i would awake to a new period of my story, that i would grow and be challenged and challenger, that the truth would penetrate the hearts of those i know and love, that i might be a witness and that my story would resonate would be relevant would be at once mine and someone else's story. that what i have would be used for Gods glory and would help you that i would be used but not burned up, that i would be a good steward and that His blessing would be on allthat i say and do.

its a big ask, but i believe in a big God, one who does not and cannot fit into my little box. one who knows me intimately and loves every part of me, who challenges me, who rebukes me, who encourages me, who disciplines me, who cares for me, who directs me
He is bigger than anything i could ever imagine, He is always around and will help in times of need, He is just and righteous and loving and compassionate and i know virtually nothing of Him yet. i have so much to learn and always will. the more i learn, the less i know. He will create and He will provide, i just pray that He makes me equal to the challenge, equips me and directs my steps.

scared

i mistyped that first and wrote "scarred".
wipe the make up from your face, tie your hair and gently fall from grace until i come again.
strangely, the last time i wrote those words i was in the middle of a relationship- the details of which i won't bore you with now, go here to reread that post- and i was trying to be all musically intellectual.. it didn't really work.
but brings back memories. i used to say to him -i wanna hold you but my hands are tied- and mean it. i was so foolish.

i left work today really fancying a pint of cider and blackcurrant and by the time i got home really wanted a cigarrette. various reasons, in the end i had neither. instead i'm sitting here with some white wine (it was in the kitchen and its been a long week) talking to you. strange, isn't it, that you think you've lost an "audience" or changed it, and them discover, down the line that those people are still with you, asking you questions, popping up in strange places. like your head. you'll all (all?) be thinking that i have a one track mind, that i think about the same situations all the time, really i don't, just for some reason they seem to be more prominent at the moment and there is nothing i can say to account for it. yet i find myself thinking about this man and what he might be doing now, how we'll both have grown in the last three years.

my friend simon is coming round to mine to watch a movie tomorrow. we're going to watch little miss sunshine, because i promised we would before he leaves for spain (friday). its weird, i've only known him a month or two and it seems like much longer. i can't quite believe he's leaving already. he's only been here three months.

i had this discussion with my friend val the other week... we both miss having a boyfriend. i never really made a concious decision not to go out with anyone, but it just hasn't really happened in quite a long time. i'm still not even sure if i actually will ever get married. i guess if it happens, it happens and i'll know it was meant to, otherwise it won't. that was a rambly way of pointing out the obvious. sorry.

hmmm.. pandora has just put on the clash.. intriguing.
i enjoyed that glass of wine. lozzle is out at the sports ball... she looked lovely earlier. i really quite enjoyed working on the bar tonight. i haven't been on bar in a while and it was awesome. i think i might volunteer at childline next year. i'm hoping to do my third year placement at dundee rep. that was a few random facts about my day/life. all of these things came up during the day.

strangely enough, one of the people i am currently working with on a giant project worked with my friend nicola on her play during the summer... coincidences abound.
i shall have to ask nicola about it tomorrow.. how exciting.

i have the cold and i hate that. it just depresses me. not actual depression (my, how easily we bandy these terms around now. i would never wish that ailment on anyone. a family friend was so afflicted that he could barely speak for a year. he is such a testament. he drove all the way from aberdeen for my grans funeral. he's much better now- has been for several years, but its been tough.) because i know its not, but the blues.

i think i'm going to just go and read my book for a bit and then go to sleep. i wish you all a lovely sabbath. rest well.

knock knock

i totally got a new book for my bible-sermon-notes thing. it was free. from work. a sketchbook we were about to throw out. woo!
anyhoo.. so monday night, regina spektor- sooooooooooooo good! she was amazing. and, best of all we met my friends simon and ben there too, unexpectedly. so that was awesome and resulted in laura and i going to see the boys play last night at the 13th note. which was a lovelyt little gig. simon played beautifully as did ben. woop!!

uhm, i think thats all of my current banter, i shall write more next time i'm procrastinating or have an interesting topic to write about.... :)

heaven help me

well.
this week has been good. and bad. but mostly good.
i made a cd for my sister and sent it off to her, but i don't think she'll get it for another week or two cos she's on spring break. i hope she does get it and enjoys it. quite a lot of work went into that...

hmmm... monday was a cu social, which was great fun, we went for dinner at southpark (ie mexico) and then kersland (america).

placement this week was-honestly- long. tuesday i did lots of admin stuff, wednesday i just collected materials and did test runs of stuff.. nothing very exciting. thursday we had a meeting with lex, the guy who creates our publicity stuff re the next art workshop series- creative sensations! that was fun. then a pub lunch and more sorting and admin for friday workshops. friday the workshops went well, they were enjoyed by everyone although, interestingly, the older teachers understood and took on the ideas better than the four students on placement... saturdays HAC workshops were really good, the kids got well involved and interested, so thursdays meeting should be good.

wednesday night i had housegroup and i really didn't want to go. i just felt that i'd had a shit day and wasn't in the mood. i felt i should go, but i didn't want to. at any rate, in the end i went and i did have a really good night. we did a little thing on the five-step prayer guide for church, so that was cool, just nice and simple, not too hard to follow. and then we all prayed for each other. this was proper prayer... individually, we all sat in the "hotseat" and recieved prayer. it was mega. there were several points where i couldn't stay in position, i felt this like heavyness come over my body and just comfort and love going from me. while we were praying for jenny, a few of us laid hands on her and it was whilst doing that and praying that i felt that what i was saying was not my own words, but the holy spirit, and he was working through me. it was just really powerful. it got me crying a fair few times.

personally, the best part of it was when the group were praying for me, i told them that i was having a tough time with a few things but mostly with a situation. one of my friends is getting married soon-ish. he's a guy i've known for a year and a half. although it feels longer. anyway, when first we met, i thought there was a potential that this could develop into a relationship- more than friends- and there were occasions where that might have happened, however it never did. i'm very comfortable with him, but i decided about a year ago that it would be stupid to try and have a relationship with him. he's not a christian and i'm not sure we would really work as boyfriend and girlfriend.... anyway, that head decision was made and that was fine, we continued as friends. he had his heart broken more than once that year, but then he fell in love with this girl that he's known for a long time. and has always half loved. she's lovely. they are lovely together. but i can't get out of my head this insane weird jealousy thing. i guess i never really got over all this half-baked infatuation. anyway, i kinda explained all this and then they prayed for me. and it was like a weight off my shoulders. knowing that these people care. and that they understand.
jonny said that he'd had a feelingthat something like this might come up. very comforting to know that God is in control and prewarning people perhaps.
anyway, it was really good and i know that its not al going to happen at once, but its getting much better. i think because its been confronted and dealt with.

so that was cool. the flat party on friday was amazing. it was chocolatey and alcoholic and banterlicious. val came along and i haven't seen her in ages so that was absolutely awesome. we had a really good chat, all about boys and life and stuff. it was so good to talk to her. shes goingto come to the vineyard with me some day. and make me a book. i'm very excited.

today at church colin swopped me a defaced penny for a piece of chewing gum.. the swopping has started. catherine exchanged the gum for a pen, so colin has to now swop that for something even better... exciting, non?

this afternoon i ate beans on toast and watched "ray". it was really good. really really good. tonight i am going to go and watch music and lyrics with some of my girly friends.. yay!

in other news, my friend bob's ex girlfriend has turned up at my work.. how strange. we met once while they were dating, now i don't know whether to bring it up or not... hmm.

uhm.. i think thats everything that has been happening recently- OhYeah! Regina Spektor at the qm tomorrow night!!! woot!!!

i think i might buy a little notebook to go with my bible

todays sermon was really good.. i enjoyed it muchly, hence, my notes:

learning to enjoy the people we have around us: phillipians 1.3-11 (check out the passage here)

+ be grateful for the good in people

*vs3 focusing on anything positive in your relationship

*actively choosing not to focus on the negative

*don't minimise any pain that has been caused however, instead choose not to dwell on it.

*remember loyalty

+ practice positive prayer

*vs4 pray with joy

*positive relationships come from positive defined prayer

*paul prays specifically a- for the church in philipi to abound in love, b- make wise choices, c- do the right thing, d- be fruitful in jesus (vs9-11)

+be patient with peoples progress

*vs6 jesus always completes what he starts- GOD is not finished with people

*learn to enjoy people as they are not as you wish they were.

*our mistake is to judge people on how far they've to go rather than how far they've come

+love from the heart

*react with heart knowledge not head knowledge

*we need to have understanding, to have that we need to listen, with our hearts

*love with GOD's infinite, unending love see romans 5.5 thats the secret, be filled with GODs love and it will spill out

don't you worry now

ah, today has been long.
and hard.
the workshops i was at this morning were good, but i didn't really feel like there was much point in me being there. i couldn't really contribute much to the process. but it was good to see what all was happening.
then i got back, did a few wee bits of shopping, went to try and collect the end of my prescription, which i have been having hassle about for the last few weeks. i got something eventually. but it wasn't what i'd ordered. i was meant to have fresh bread, but instead i had vacuum packed part baked bread. which was fine and wouldn't have been a problem if i hadn't already had this problem from that pharmacy before and if i hadn't had to explain to several staff members during the last two weeks what i wanted. the pharmacist was very nice and apologetic, but because anything else would just have been too much hassle i took what they had. the frustrations of the day just started to get to me.
as i was making my lunch (cheese and beans on toast. i've decided i like beans again. in moderation.) using the last of the bread i baked last week, i sliced my finger open. the pain of that, combined with my earlier frustration just was the last straw, i just had to cry.
anyway, i got my lunch and then mr kohli came round to take away the heaters we don't need any more, could only take one with him, so is coming back for the others... and he promised us a new microwave :) result.

ach. it was ok, i just had a bit of a crummy day and i don't think the weather helped. by the way, "fourplay" is a pretty crap film. i only watched a quarter of it, but it wasn't gripping at all.

so i'm courried up in bed, getting warm.
this week has been odd and long. on wednesday housegroup was really good, then i went round to bobs to give him his birthday present and ended up not leaving til 2am. it was fun. thursday was long. the kids at myt were hyper about going to the theatre and then the bus broke. the show was really good though. friday was soo long but i got to see my mum, which was really good because i haven't seen her for a while and i miss her. and then after work i went to campus to see gemma on her birthday, so that was fun.

oh, yeah, kirsten came round earlier too so that was cool, had a wee chat.
man, i've eaten too much.

i some times wonder if i'll ever get married. i know a few people who are getting married this year/in the near future and a few couples who will, at some point in the not-too-distant future probably end up walking down the aisle and although i know its not something i want right now, i used to think that it was definite that i would get married anf have a family, but now i'm not so sure. much as i'd enjoy the companionship and enjoy a family, i'm not sure i see where they'll fit. thats a very selfish view, but thats honest. but then again, i don't want to be alone always- with god around i know thats not possible, but, d'ya know sometimes you just need a real person to give you a hug, by real i mean physically present. i'm not sure where i'm going with this, but i have to leave for work soon, so i'll leave you with these half-formed thoughts.

in the words of jo:
it’s a hard day, nothing is right
and the words “i need a hug” are hard to fight
when i’ve had my fill of the blue light
then your face is the sight for my sore eyes
for my sore eyes
but if i am me with you
the way i want to be with you
then you are sore whilst i am free
that doesn’t seem so fair to me
that doesn’t seem like grace
or beauty to me
beauty from me
when you are an echo underneath the bridge at night
i wonder if i may have hurt your eyes with all this light
so just say the word and i’ll try with all my might
to hide away ’till you feel alright
’till you feel alright
it’d be a hard day yes it would…
but better than a hard life

farewell

i'm done.
read this article.

for some reason, it really just touched me. i think there is so much going on that i'm not really processing stuff at the moment. so, where today was really good, it was also a bit pants and one of my friends is feeling a bit rubbish and that just sunk in, and the fact that people i love have lost people and i've lost people and it all just sort of came together in the five minutes while i was reading that and after.

placement has been really hard work this week. hard to try and make friends and to be yourself and get to know people and fit into workshops and just to be... but its been a good learning curve. i hate admin stuff. but i'm going to have to deal with it. as long as i still get to work with people, i will be content. even better, if someone wanted to do all the organising and i could design the workshops and then run them.

i don't know if this is true, but i might be feeling worse about nicky this year than before. this march will be 3 years since she died. and its never been "easy" but it has been less prominent these last years. maybe because i don't see the folk who knew her and me then as much... but recent events have just brought that hurt back.

i think its going to be really strange going back to spring harvest this year. the last time i went, the first time i had ever been, was just after nicky died, while i was still kindof entangled in the whole gareth mess, so it was a cleansing and healing experience. i don't think i directly told anyone about either of these events, however, the times there were good.

i bought an album today called the yorkhill sessions which is a creation from the sessions Jo and Yvonne did in yorkhill over the last year or so with 4word and a few of the kids in the yorkhill sick childrens hospital. its a great cd, really honest in places and hurting and raw but hopeful too. and i wish that this was available for more children. i was speaking to jenny today about her day indundee yesterday, and she was saying that its always hard because her dad died in ninewells. which is where nicky died too, which i really thank god for because she had been so far away before that, and i would have hated for her to go so far away. but it has to be hard.

i watched elizabethtown today and i really really enoyed it. yes its all about death but its also all about hope, about second chances and about being real with people, being yourself and taking chances. i need to learn to do that more often, take a chance on someone.

i decided that tonight i would make a mixtape(erm.. cd) for my sister, back up my music and do other useful things, but guess what.. i've not. maybe later.. i have tomorrow off... so its relaxation time for suzi. yippee!

guten nacht.

sculpture, painting, print-making and felting

next wednesday i get to make sand casts. its going to be great fun.
tomorrow i get to play around with animation.
next week i might end up visiting Sensation in dundee. maybe.
i am at work, yes, its true.
off to find some huge boxes now... toodle-pip