Sunday, December 30, 2007

maybe they knew more than we do

well, merry christmas!

its been a busy old time around here. working in glasgow, not writing essays, trying to write essays deciding its not going to happen right now and trying not to feel guilty....

we had family friends round yesterday. it was lots of fun, we made a book. the story went something like this: "it was a stormy night / there was snow / it turned into a snow storm / but inside it was nice and warm. it was christmas! / josh and ellie gave their aunty flowers for christmas / outside it was snowing a lot / everyone went out for a walk in the woods / they saw lots of pretty leaves / then they went back home where it was warm. "

i think thats roughly how it went. Josh (2 and a half) drew the storms and stuck on the flowers. ellie (5) drew the other pictures and stuck on lots of leaves and things. I (20) cut out the tree shaped front cover and wrote the words for them. josh decorated with lots of feathers. it was a lovely book. uncle puncle took it home with him.. :)

i think i will create some sort of resolutions/things i'd like to do next year list for 2008. my, 2008 already... hmmm.

if, as i have been thinking, i do move onto wordpress, i'll do it in the new year... ah its all so complicated.. but maybe a new start for a new year would be good...??

anyhoo.

it was a good day yesterday. today, not so. i decided i needed to get going with some of my essays... didn't get all that far. i think i shall have a break for a bit, do something fun- like cook or bake oir vegetate in front of the tv... and get ready for the excitement that is hogmanay tomorrow- not that i have any plans- none whatsoever,.... bit sad really. but hey ho.. maybe i'll make a puppet instead. that would be fun. I LOVE having access to a sewing machine. it makes me very happy. i shall have to learn to make trousers... and then i could make beautiful baggy purple cords... oh, how cool would that be??? so cool... hmmm.. a project for 2008 me thinks.

i have a few things i'd like to learn to do. not least crocheting. i hope jim managed to make that hat.. haha. :)

anyhoo.. i hope you are all habing very merry and contented christmasses and if you're not, know people care for you and are thinking of you..

Thursday, December 20, 2007

keep the faith

so, i'm watching scrubs, making a random quiche-y type thing and not doing anything else of use at the moment... grr.
i have lots of essays that i need to write, but they are not getting written at the mo...
watched extreme home makeover today. it made me cry. a master card advert just made me well up.. jeezo i am getting a little emotional. who knows why. and laverne just died on scrubs (hope that didn't spoil it for you...) ah, man.

oh now blackadder is on and thats amazingly funny... ah, i do love hugh laurie and rowan atkinson. and tony robinson. aaaaah.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

so

heres the deal.
jhcu are merging with strath, as of christmas. new joint committee emerges.

i'm also seriously copnsidering short term mission this summer.

i'd really like to do some sort of "mission" after i graduate in a year and a bit, not necessarily going places intending to spread the gospel but going to teach and do workshops and try and equip people..

i just have a lot going on in my head. and i have the cold so all the thoughts are kinda muggy right now.. anyhoo. i am going to sleep.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Pay It Forward

exciting...

Here's the deal:

I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days. That is my promise. The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.


so hopefully i get something cool from donnaz (who i don't know..)
feel free to join too- i like making things- who knows what you'd get!! :)

everything is fragile

i should be doing some work, but i am not in the mood for writing essays. i'll do that later, so, instead, i'm working on christmas presents.

its fun.

i still want you.

to remind you where to stop

i have a couple wise friends. one told me today that i should look after myself after i answered her question: how are you doing at looking after yourself? with: er.. not well..?

so, i had catherine (another wise person..) over for sillyness.. we made sock puppets, and laughed a lot! it was awesome. this evening has been an evening for laughing lots. i like it. kirsty and i were really silly and hyper in starbucks afrer some caffeine and good leviticus chat and some pen borrowage (of my pen) by a beardy boy reading into the wild and exclaiming at things. it was awesome. we left the staff a note on a napkin along the lines: thanks for making coffee for us and clearing up after us- we're messy people. i love red cups. i love gingerbread lattes. ps jesus loves you.

thats how it goes- you gotta tell the truth- get it out there!!

my room smells weird.. kinda uhu-y but weirder...
i am tired and i hoovered today- thats the excitement of my life!!!!!!! :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

bagels

were inveted in 1610 in krakow and given to pregnant women in childbirth.

also- according to Jim, they are hotter than your average slice of bread when you compare the agony of taking either out of a toaster once toasted.

and they are the equivalent - again, according to Jim, fount of all knowledge that he is :) - of five slices of bread...

bet your day has been made better.

this post sponsored by the letter b.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

you gotta breathe in and out

funny how the simplest things seem really profound sometimes...

anyway, i was walking home tonight all fired up to write about leviticus and then i ... didn't. i got sidetracked making my sisters christmas present.. still not sure how that one will work out- thats what happens when you try to add in too many things...

anyway, so, leviticus- well, we're up to chapter 16 now and there have been a few significant moments, like the first 7chapters and all the detail therein about sacrifices. then other things and most recently ch16 itself that talks about the holy of holies and how a priest should respect it as well as the day known as Yom Kippur- the day of atonement- our spring clean.

the book has really made me realise how lightly i take God and His promises to me- like, the israelites had to over continual sacrifices to make sure they were right with God and be really specific in asking for forgiveness and thats a real challenge- i find it really hard to be so specific, and i sin unintentionally all the time too. God has a sacrifice for that too. there are so many rules, but there are also so many good reasons for them. You must be holy because I am Holy- lev 15. kirsty and i had a really good conversation about our section. i think i need to reread it and rethink it tomorrow. if i don't post my thoughts, shout at me.

in other news... jules and i have doubled the length of the script we're writing today which is really really really food news.. :) yay! just a couple of all-nighters away from a complete draft.. uhm, so when i said "food" news, i meant good, but maybe it was freudian and i'm really hungry?? i think i might bake tomorroe too, since i don't get to go home or to the camp reunion... both sad things.

oh goodness, it takes a very long time for photos to upload to photobox... but we are close. once its done i get to sleep. hurrah!!! :)

toodles

Thursday, November 22, 2007

no music day

i was reading a skinny mag article the other day at work that was talking about how this one guy decided that 21st november would be the day he listened to no music inorder to get a better understanding of it. i can't rember all that much about it, nor can i be bothered to pick my skinny off the floor and reread it, so you'll all just have to go out and pick up iss.26 with a picture of the darjeeling limited on the front and read the interview.

anyway, i was thinking about joining in with him and radio scotland and having a no music day. but then i realised i had teickets for jo mangos hootenany. which was great fun and included lots of new music that i'd never heard, so you know, thats got to be a goodthing... onyhoo.. i'm procrastinating. i need to get some work done. its hard though. i'm going to set myself a target and then i'll do something fun... four pages of dialogue? that sounds reasonable-ish. wish me luck.

edom had it coming.... right?

so i'm reading the book of obadiah. i've read it three times in three days now. its a short book. 21 verses. so maybe 50 sentences or so. not a lot. but it says quite big things- like be kind to your brothers nation, even though you hate them. (edomites were the descendents of Esau and israelites of Jacob, the brothers that fought a lot.) and that your day will come to be judged so don't be too harsh, don't sell people out to their enemies and gloat about it and don't think you're safe wherever you are- money won't protect you, nor can your friends...

but the thing thats really cool is that after wreaking destruction on the whole edomite race, God puts the israelites back in charge where they reign fairly and justly. so thats nice. even though they were persecuted, they ain't gonna take an eye for an eye.

so those are my random thoughts on obadiah. i'll let you knowe as i have more. jo mango's hootenany was awesome tonight- you should have been there.

sleepy time for suzi!

Monday, November 19, 2007

i'm being seduced

by wordpress.. it does look exciting.. but i feel like i'd be breaking up a long standing friendship were i to move... like divorce almost. i've had this baby four years (?) now. and i have an oversized blogger jumper too. hmm...

other than that, lots of good things about today, i had fun at placement, drank lots of tea.. mmmm.. yum. and talked to mocha, the cutest dog ever. got a fair bit of play writing done- 7pages and counting.. woohoo!! only another 50 or 60 to go. not much really.. ha ha ha. !!

in other news, i went to church twice yesterday and actually went forward for prayer both times. good experiences. reminds me why i should go up more often and really why i should make friends with more of the pastoral team.. not that i don't love all my other friends.. its just funny the way some people immediately get to really know the leaders of a church and others don't... anyhoo...

thats all for now i think.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

and i still haven't found

oh my word, yesterday was a good day, lots of coffee and tea and chatting and people and news and ideas and...

Foy Vance.

the man is a genius. he has awesome shoes and really incredible songs. i love him. or at least his music. and his performance.

such a good day. one day soon i shall tell you all more about it. promise.

Friday, November 16, 2007

this is a good day

seeing people you like, talking about things that matter, eating good food drinking nice caffeinated beverages and having a sewing machine that works again. and it was so simple to fix too. hurrah.


good times.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

:(

my sewing machine is in the huff..

:) i have clementines. fair trade ones no less.

Monday, November 12, 2007

somebody once asked could i spare some cash

you can hear lots of things through our walls. the folk downstairs having blazing arguments, the folk next door watching a movie/arguing etc my flatmates laughing on the phone... the washing machine killing all the dishes on the drying rack. we should be more italian about drying dishes.

i have so many projects buzzing around my head for christmas.. an idea for my sister and my dad.. possibly.. hmm.. maybe for my mum. they're all getting a handmade gift and probably an oxfam gift too..

i'm sure there is stuff i should be doing over this/finishing my quilt, but i'm going to fix the last panel tonight. i have decided... wish me luck!

do you know what your future will be?

i should really be getting ready to leave for uni.. and i will in two minutes.

but i thought i'd say something first. not sure exactly what, but... i was reading a blog earlier today about waiting for the person you will marry, praying for them etc.. and though i admire that sentiment and discipline, i'm not that convinced that i'm going to get married.. hmm.. thats an intersting thought right there- some people will refute that, and i would like one day to be married with kids, but who says i can't just adopt? or work in an orphanage? or any of the other million of options.

one thing i know- i have a heart for people. though i get grumpy and annoyed and want to be on my own sometimes (hmm, quite a lot this week, sorry guys..) and what have you, i enjoy doing things for people.. i guess i like to be needed. not always a good way to live. but thats how it goes. i gotta run now.. workshops beckon!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

letting go of all empty things

jesus you are all i need...

today has been a weird day. we decided to fast for a day to focus ourselves again on God, on all He is and just the awesome ness of Him.

and also i recognised just how much of a failure i am. i chose today to do my fast because i thought of all the days this week i would have the most time to focus on god and His provision.. but instead i've wasted my time baking and getting annoyed at people and focusing on my own efforts and its so hard to break out of this cycle. i am trying, O God, how i'm trying, but really, i can't do it- father its all in your hands. i am sorely tempted to just break my fast. God help me not to.

I can be provided for by no-one else. only you, lord.

what a saviour.

Monday, November 05, 2007

you have no control

ok, so i know this is my third post in one day and nothing particularly exciting has actually happened today, but i have discovered a renewed vigour for my blog.. though i probably have less time than ever to actually blog.. or do anything else.. don't you worry though (as james would say in his inimitable irish way- every time i say don't you worry, i have to say it irishly james like... now that's worrying. no, really, it is. very.) i still wash. as always. washing is always high in my list of things to do..

tomorrow comes with such surprising speed and i have to talk about Leviticus in it. i met a girl on Sunday who had heard about me- that's worrying- to be fair only through Kirsty because we're doing Leviticus together- it is a proper challenge. i'd recommend it so far though.. its pretty interesting. i think i need to be sleeping more in my life. i know i've mentioned this a few times.

i was looking through some of my archives today- like at particular labels and its really interesting to see what i was writing about a year or two years ago.. i have had this thing for quite a long time.. since 2003 to be exact- and that is a long time.. four years!! its bizarre to see the ways things have progressed since then- my first posts were full of crap, and some of my friends wrote here too.. but now its purely me.. ha ha ha. i wrote about being coeliac- not often, in fairness, but occasionally. told you (the Internet) how i was feeling when Nicky died, when i started a relationship with Gareth, how that all ended up, when i went to uni, debates i had about religion, people who inspired me, when my gran died, that weekend in new york. i love people and i love writing about people and things that happen. i love people being happy. lots of my friends are in the getting engaged/married/having babies stage- ok, i say lots, yes five couples i know did get married this summer, another couple of couples are pregnant another couple of friends got engaged recently and some people are just madly in love, whether in or out of the context of a relationship.

i want to be madly in love. mostly with Jesus. man, i was talking to this guy will tonight- he's a post grad that came along to CU tonight, and was talking about how he became a christian and describing this huge hunger inside of himself for Jesus, how he just loves Christ and how Jesus has molded him into the person he is, his mission being to see people brought closer to Jesus, and i was like, i want to feel that, i want to cry out to God and feel him right there next to me, saying, hey, suzi, its all good, i love you completely and i will never let you go.. because sometimes i find it hard to hear that, to know that if i go to God then he'll wrap me up in his arms, because i am not the person i really want and wish to be.. i am so much more insecure than that person, i am so much more of a let down, i will always back out, take the easy road and miss out, but i don't want to, i want to be changed, challenged and really take up the mantle of the mission God has set before me.

reading john ortberg's 'when the game is over it all goes back in the box' right now and its a really good challenge- to realise that God has put me right here for a reason, this is my mission field, i should be serving right here, God has something planned for me right here.. pray that i'll say yes when my Mordecai (he was using the example of Esther) presents a challenge to me.. maybe you're my Mordecai- whats my challenge?? nudge and encourage me toward it, shout scream yell it at me.. keep working on me, make me take it up, remind me God never said it would be easy but hat he would be sufficient...

i don't think i have anything else i want to say. apart from i plan to spell check this.. i hope its readable by the time you get to it... :) (ha- i type better than i thought i did.. apart from capitals, which i refuse to do because i much prefer lower-case. except, obviously, in essays..)

hail mary full of grace

no, i haven't become a catholic, but thats what the girl standing next to me at the bus stop said when our bus finally came. she'd been waiting nearly an hour and was late to meet her boyfriend. we were talking about how buses never came on time, but that the no9 was usually reliable and then we were talking about her life, it was so random but completely awesome. i don't know her name, but i know she studied admin at college for a while, had a baby boy called christopher when she was going on 17 (she's 17, nearly 18 now) her boyfriend, and christophers dad is declan, he's a year younger, she's just got her own flat and saving for driving lessons and a car- thats how the whole conversation started, she couldn't wait to be driving, and how she wasn't sure that her and declan would lastthe course. she's going to start at college doing hairdressing cos she already works in a salon. she was so lovely, and i wish i could have talked to her more. it was only once i was off the bus i thought i could have invited her for tea- maybe someday i'll meet her on another bus and we can talk some more.

oh, and emma, to answer your question- yes, it all went fine- thanks to God.

i like days like this..

always next to you

hey hey you you i don't like your girlfriend

thats a bit what i feel like at the moment.. we've got a staff student meeting this afternoon and we've got to raise an issue of a class that is really not up to scratch...argh

and cu tonight should be banterful- karen kirsten graeme and i are doing it and i'm not entirely prepared yet.. but thats ok, i have an hour to prepare before our meeting at 4..
yeek

its a long day.. in fact its oing to be a long week.. woop woop...

Sunday, November 04, 2007

the happiest night

hmmm.. odd sort of day really.. church, lunch, workshop, sillyness, dinner, friends, film, work.

twas fun though.

i think i'm tired and should not really write anything else or it'll get silly and messy-- i tend to write stupid things when i'm tired.

i'm making a bracelet from beads nomy brought me back from kenya.. they're really pretty, i like them. nomy and i went to mother india cafe on saturday night- it was yummy!!! i love indian food.. pretty much, i love food. i have a friend who can't eat chicken.. thats gotta be tough. i say that and i can't eat bread, so i guess its similar. hmmm,,, intersting.

as you can see- that was an example of my rambling tiredness.. i am tired and things make sense in my brain so i write them down, but miss out the connection- ie, i was thinking how we ate chicken tikka and chicken with extra ginger and spinach last night and had chicken at lj and anna's tonight and my friend couldn't have either. but he could have the pakora... mmm.. and the dahl.. mmm..

made banana bread really late last night and then cried my eyes out at extreme makeover- home edition. heart wrenching.

mat, my gay friend from work has a date,. he's uber-excited. aaah, he makes me laugh- a lot. if you've seen 40 year old virgin, then you might get our relationship- alot of our banter is about calling each other gay. though really, i should be telling mat how straight he is, since he already knows he's gay.. ho hum. typical exchange:
mat: know how i know you're gay?
me: how?
mat: cos dorothy thought there was no place like home.
me: know how i know you're gay?
mat: how?
me: cos julie andrews told me
and so on and so forth. its actually hilarious, but everyone else in the world thinks we're nutters and/or we're nutters.

we are.

i really need to sleep, cos i have class and filming and a staff student meeting tomorrow as well as cu that i'm really unprepared for... gah!!

meep

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

pumpkin galore

i am sick of the sight of pumpkin right this second.. i just spent several hours making a pumpkin pie (its not even that huge, yet it wrecked my sieve...) and now lots of soup. well, the soup is half made, i got too tired and hot to finish making it, but that can wait quite easily til tomorrow.. oh crap, i forgot, i left toasted pumpkin seeds in the off oven.. clever suzi.
ah. hallowe'en.

Friday, October 26, 2007

life is one big draft

i've started so many posts in the last month and then have changed my mind and deleted them- not interesting/spiritual/relevant/exciting/long enough. and either they get deleted or they are "saved as draft" and then i delete them three days later- but thats no way to go through life. life is for living.

this week has been a quiet week, but good, time to relax and spend time with people and God, creating things, writing, drawing, eating, drinking tea- my favourite hot beverage.. speaking of tea, we have some exciting new stuff in the cupboard, k brought home some zanzibar cinnamon tea and tea masala spice and cardamom and whole nutmeg from tanzania- so we're all ready to have really good tea and spiced food... mmm... :)

i had to go the kitchen to remember exactly what it was k had brought back, so obviously that was a good time to make tea, but alas we have no milk.. so its tea with honey and lemon instead..

i've started making a quilt- its going well, except i haven't done anything on it for a week or more.. i have one line of panels to sew together before i start sewing each line together.. its huge though.. :) just researching what size of sheet i'll need to buy to make the bottom layer of it.. a king size flat sheet should do it.. but it'll take a while to get to that stage i think... argh,.. big projects are scary, but fun. next time i make something that size i'll need to really collect good images and t-shirts, but this one will be cool still.. i can feel it in my bones!!

my floor is completely clear for the first time in a long time, which is fairly incredible- i just need to keep it that way- tuesday, its a committee meeting at mine then emma is coming round for dinner and on wednesday we're having a halloween/flat warming- which you are invited to, of course!

hmmm.. tomorrow i think i'm going to go to edinburgh and see my friend jen- i've not seen her in ages.. so hopefully it'll be awesome.

humm, i'd forgotten- i was talking about my week... i saw lots of people. was at loch tay at the weekend, drove to glasgow and back again on the sunday in order to go to church.. that was fun.. :) my week was sponsored by: kendra laura debbie erin kate tanje james pete emma phil mum beth jenni jules stephen eilidh freya gemma gemma ali ... you!

lunchtime!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

i'm sleeping with myself tonight

so i can still hear the kids playing in the playground across the road, but my room is tidy now, hurrah! i even attempted hoovering earlier. not entirely successful, our hoover stinks. had a fairly productive morning.
my big challenge for this year, the one thing i want to make- a quilt! so if anyone has any t-shirts they no longer wear, give them to me and i'll make them into a quilt.. :)
thats all i have to go to work now!

Friday, August 24, 2007

wow

well, its been a busy summer, not as busy as some folks though- james- take a bow.
so i'm settled into my new flat- though my room is currently a tip and i can hear the kids in the school across the road playing games- yup its lunchtime.. mm, food.
anyway, so this summer.

well, it all started with a trip to the states to see my sister- she graduated from high school out there this year- she was only there for a year, but still. so we did a tour of new york washington dc etc, bit of a road trip, but really good fun. meggie even made me wear a dress for her graduation- not something i usually do a lot of, but there are always exceptions. hmm.. so america was good fun. then i was back to glasgow to work and move out of the flat and then it was my birthday, laura and debbie made me a beautiful cake and we got locked out of the flat. good times all round!

soon after that i was off to camp. firstly to creative arts camp in blaithwaite- which is pretty close to keswick. we spent a week there, getting to know our campers- a lot of whom had been at camp the year before as well, and having discussions about God and scriptures. i was lucky to be co-leading a group with harold, who had been in ministry for 40 years, so although i could talk about my life, it was awesome to have the back up of his age and experience and knowledge. i was challenged that week, to become more like God, hard as it is, but not to do it on my own strength, to do it with God's power and love behind me. which i am still trying to put into practice. not sure last night was a good outworking of that, but never mind.

i went straight from creative arts to urban camp, and had an amazing time there. just such a lovely bunch of people on the team. there were so many crazy connections within the team, everyone had a connection to everyone else- we all bonded really quickly, twas awesome. i was tired the whole week, but not so much as i thought i would be, which was awesome. i read about elijah being refreshed by sleep and two meals and that was my prayer for the first day or so that i would be refreshed by the rest and food and companionship before the campers arrived on the monday. and actually, i was refreshed, i had really good chats with the rest of the team.
the week went really quickly as well, my group was really small, ronnie and i had just three campers, but it meant that we could really get alongside the campers, get to know them really well and have time to chat to the rest of the campers. i made some good friends that week, there were some of the campers stories that just really break your heart, but they were such nice kids too.. so that week was a really stretching week, just in terms of tiredness and patience with the campers, their temper tantrums and needs. but an awesome week, it really made me appreciate what i had- my friends, family and church. i really enjoyed phoning friends at midnight and leaving random rambling messages on their voicemail. the view from the front porch was beautiful, especially at night, when the clouds were all pink and grey and gold and violet and beautiful. just a really good week.

so the day camp ended, i was off to the wedding of my friends jules and laci, in perth. dashed off to the hotel to get myself all prettied up and showered and de-campified. it was a really nice day- jules looked stunning and everyone really enjoyed the day. nice to see folk that i hadn't seen for ages. i am so glad for jules and laci- they were so happy that day and they're such a nice couple, i really think they can last the course.

the week after that, i spent my time at home, planning for camp, sorting out my life- ie sleeping lots, making posters, doing lots of exciting things like that and generally preparing for yet another week of madness with children.. although this time not so much children but actually teenagers.. anyway, a relaxing ish week of planning and stuff..

off to camp again and another wedding, this time it was jenny and cosmin- jules sister. fairly mad day- had to help set up at camp then drive to glasgow to go to the wedding, go to the reception and then back to lendrick muir. jenny also looked stunning, and the speeches were all beautiful... cosmin was so sweet- i want a man who'll say beautiful things to and about me. ah, gorgeous.

so, onto camp- kinda strange to be an actual leader, rather than a cook or a camper. it was a learning curve, for sure. pip and i had a group of four girls, all of whom had been at camp with us before which was realy exciting and also really scary. we spent a lot of time talking about what they were going on to next year and just praying through that- the thing was, two of our girls were really good friends from home and had spent most of the summer together. so they were quite distracted together. however halfway through the week, we had a big session on prayer and caro went up to be prayed for by some of the leaders and was asking for prayer to be less distracted. so that was awesome and our group times did get better- the last night- when everyone else was wanting to get ready for our annual ceilidh, our group were still going strong when the others were hammering on our door to get in and changed.. so that was really encouraging. i had to learn alot about patience- how to work with my parents as the team leaders, which was hard. i love my parents, but it can be weird, and i find it really strange to pray with them- i have no idea why, but there you go... we did loads on knowing God, it was a really good week, good teaching.

other highlights of the week included my campers stringing me up a tree and leaving me dangling there for five or ten miuntes. they were just a little cruel. nathan scubbing me at archery- sam trying to help me at archery and making me worse- me not knowing how to tell left from right, getting lost on the a9 to lendrick muir, and in perth, being called antisocial- again by nathan- he was on his phone first, cheeky boy. honestly, campers these days. we had great fun with birthdays and trips to go waterskiing and really good conversations- a conversation that i have just remembered happened in the first week i was at camp- one of my campers was talking to me at supper time- she sought me out to speak to, which was a great honour. we were chatting about her life- her various foster parents and the fact that she doesn't think she has found God yet, and that she owns tarot cards- at that point i was scared, a friend had a really bad experience with tarot at one point and that has put me off for life. so we were having this discussion and it really taught me about the way God uses things and situations from your past in your present.

hmmm. so yeah, camp. nothing else really i can think of that sticks out- i spent my summer fancying myself in love/or at least lust with any eligible christian boy i came across- but i had some really good chats with God in the car on the road up and down from glasgow to newport, one in particular where i spent a good hour or so talking to him about this gift of singleness that he has placed in my life and realising how much i have enjoyed the past few years being single, the friends i've made, but still, seeing all my friends get married off, or get pregnant i just sometimes wish it was my turn- but on the other hand i am getting so much out of my life right now. agh- God never teaches me anything easy.

after camp i spent a few days in glasgow getting moved into my new flat, losing my phone (grr) and going to yet another wedding- this time as a +1. i was debbies date for colleen's wedding. again another beautiful day. debbie was soooo tired, it was awesome. i loved being her date :)

after the wedding, mum was having a yard sale and we had to finish getting ready for holiday club, so i went home again for that, it was fun. holiday club was hard work. its always a bit strange working in your home church, things just change faster than you realise or not at all. so we did waste watchers (what a load of rubbish!) (that was our catchphrase) this year, which worked out really well. my group were interesting. challenging. two girls- sisters, the youngest of six, who needed lots and lots of attention. they are lovely girls, but they really do get unsettled quickly. i pray that the example we set that week was the most telling thing for these girls, the two sisters and the other two in my group. it was a hard week, but i hope seeds were planted, it took a lot out of me, more so than the urban camp, probably because they were much younger and less able to engage in the activities we had planned. i am ashamed to say that i was not so well prepared as i could have been, so while i could have made the group times more useful i never bothered my bum to do it. however, on the wednesday of holiday club, my dog, midge died. she'd had a stroke earlier in the year and had recovered qute well, but she had another massive stroke in the night and couldn't move most of the day- no power in her back legs and not very able to smell or hear or see us well all afternoon. so we took her to the vet and she was euthanised. so sad- i cried most of the day, but really the only merciful thing to do- and since she didn't struggle at all but went really quickly and peacefully, i have to believe that she was ready to go. she was 14 years old and had had a great life, so i don't feel too bad that way, but still, it was a hard thing to do.

anyway, holiday club finished on the sunday with a service, and i headed back to glasgow on monday. have spent this last week getting settled properly into the flat and just enjoying hanging out in glasgow, back to work on friday and then to church on sunday. aaah, i'd missed church in glasgow. today i saw jules and laci for the first time since their wedding which was lovely. we had a picnic in the flat and i bought a dress in the sale at fat face which i am going to wear tomorrow- tomorrow is a dress day, catherine and i agree. :) i am also going to go to the oriental supermarket and then into town.. fun fun fun!!

and then, a week tomorrow (the dress day!) i head down to chirk! for forum! yay! very exciting! God will be there and doing amazing things. i can feel it! :)

anyway, thats my life.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

i like bacon sandwiches

lots of things happening in the next couple of weeks, creative arts, urban and watersports camp.. will update soon

Monday, July 02, 2007

entering the early twenties...

well, i know one thing in this world thats still pure and good! christian love? NO! candy!
the simpsons.. you can always rely on them for good old morals ...
i'm not sure what i have to say.. not very much probably..

Thursday, June 14, 2007

who am i?

was just on myspace, cos i just got a request from one of my friends from home and i don't know who i am anymore. i was looking at her pictures and there are so many things associated with her and school that i thought i wanted and then gave up but seeing her think i want all over again- more piercings, a taste for heavy metal, liking jack daniels and jagermeister. none of which i am or have. but its like if i can be so easily influenced and saddened by her having the things that i was going to do, who does that make me? i confuse myself all the time. i enjoy things i never thought i would (electronic-influenced music, baked beans and cottage cheese to name a few) and yet thats all because of other people too.. really, who am i apart from all the people around me? who God says i am, i guess, thats still in the making, i still can't see that girl clearly. proverbs has a "hymn to a good wife" (proverbs31.10-31) but i'm really not anywhere close to any of that (nor am i a wife). i'm not trying to put myself down lots here, i'm just trying to understand who i am, where i fit.. ach its just a strange mood i'm in.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

i-l-o-v-e-m-y-l-i-p-s

i might get mad and call my dad

i'm looking round my room. i have so much stuff.. and only two weeks left to pack it all up and get ready to move it all around the city... woop woop.. what fun. oh and a cow. which needs to get to ireland somehow.. how do these things happen to me?? bertha might need to go back to Nomy for a while.. oh dear.. another taxi for Bertha i think.

looks like this ceilidh is going ahead, so heres your official invitation- 30th june (a saturday) at newport-on-tay church hall, there will be a ceilidh in honour of my sister turning 18 (in january, oops), me turning 20 (but not really for that) and meggie coming home from the states. SO if you are in the country, you HAVE to come. I want it to be a really good night for my sister. There WILL be FOOD, but its BYOB if you want anything other than water or juice... :)

i hope to see you there.. from 7.30 on. if you need directions, or a place to stay, we can provide both things.. :)

hum. i think i need to go to bed really soon. i want to get up in the morning and be able to go to the gym before i have to get ready for work (bleurgh, work..)
so i shall say adieu.
adieu.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

You are the God who sees me.

Genesis 16.13 Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to the Lord, who had spoken to her. she said 'You are the God who sees me.'*
The Hebrew for the phrase 'You are the God who sees me.' is El-roi.

Matthew 15.8-9 These people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce, they teach man made ideas as commands from God. 11 It's not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; but you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

Nehemiah 5.8 At the meeting I said to them, "We are doing all we can to redeem our Jewish relatives, who have had to sell themselves to pagan foreigners, but you are selling them back into slavery again. How often must we redeem them?"

Acts 15.11 We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of of the Lord Jesus.

well, its much later than i intended to be up tonight. i read recently that you should write as if you aren't going to be read and then you'll be honest and truthful. i'll try.

theres just so much to say and not enough time or space. i have issues that i need to sort out with God and myself, an incident that just keeps coming up in my mind from when i was like 11. people that i thought were friends that encouraged me in the wrong direction. nothing major, but its all baggage and it obstructs my relationship with God and others. and recently i've been really bad, i just haven't had the inclination to open my bible and to read the truth there. i am undisciplined and unmotivated and i find it hard when i'm home because i don't have the greatest church. and for all that the community is there, you really need the teaching too...
lord, i pray that you would be in that, that you would be with our minister in newport, with his family and the rest of the congregation, lord, help ken to be relevant and gospel based and real for the congregation. lord reveal yourself once again.. and lord, for the whole family, i pray you'd be in that situation, in your power.

God, i am so weak and feeble, i can't bring myself to be disciplined before you and yet if i am to be of any use this summer, i need your guidance. lord there are so many situations i just cannot do without you. El-roi, as Hagar named you, El-roi. you know what it is i lack, what i need to be taught, how i feel, what haunts me, lord it is all crystal clear to you. god i pray that you would begin to help me reconcile this image of how i am, how i really am, to how you would have me be. lord give me the strength to be directed and take it on board.


God, so many times, i feel like a pharisee, that iam defiling myself by the motivation of what i say and how i say it. god i pray you would challenge me on that. and i am scared to say that because i know You will. Lord God, i ask that you would truly be the one i fear and respect and love the most. God that i would be merciful to my neighbours and friends, that i would be helping redeem others, not selling them back into their "slavery".



This is how i journal quiet times. this is how i meditate on passages of scripture and how i'm trying, so hard, but with so little commitment sometimes, to read the whole bible. its hard, and its going to take more than a year, thats for sure.

Be still and know that I am God. psalm 46.10
thats a lesson i need to learn, for sure.





















[be still]















[know that I am God]











[be still]




i think i need to sleep now. my brain is tired. good night.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

hee hee quizes..

You Are Elmo
Sweet and innocent, you expect everyone to adore you. And they usually do!
You are usually feeling: Talkative. You've got tons of stories to tell. And when you aren't talking, you're laughing.
You are famous for: Being popular, though no one knows why. Middle aged women especially like you.
How you life your life: With an open heart. "Elmo loves you!"



hee hee! i'm elmo!

refreshed

well, i've just tidied my room. in course of which i managed to lose lots of stuff.. some to my flatmates and a lot more to the charity shops. I have been needing to de-clutter for a while. i just want to get rid of everything, but thats not really sensible. i think there'll be another clear out before i move out of this place... possibly the craft box will get it in the neck this time.

I spent a week recently in a place called Ardmore point. its quite pretty, except whn the weather is miserable. and you might even spot these two having a cup of tea... they quite enjoy cups of tea. and sitting on wet seats on rainy days, outdoors.. two old glasgow wifies, as my friend morv would say. (and in fact just did, through the wonderful medium of itunes/msn)

This was part of k and j's art in the environment project. perhaps i'll post some of mine someday.. possibly not. but i really like this:



oh and ardmore point (well, a bit of it) on the most dreich day all year. woot!
i enjoy new starts..new flats, new friends, new cities.. that doesn't mean i'm giving up on the old stuff or not remembering it, but just an affirmation of the fact that change can be good.
i think i'm going to give up bebo/facebook/myspace for a week.







Thursday, May 03, 2007

return...

so that last post was written today too but its ok, blogger is a little weird like that.. :)

party tomorrow- flat cooling, we're moving out on the 2nd of july, but kendra leaves before then...
so wear cool colours and come for the best party ever!!

essaays!! i promise, i am writing them...

Friday, April 13, 2007

don't take the slide

wow, what a mega two weeks..
Uhm, well, its been a while since i wrote that sentence, and i am aware that I should be writing my placement essay right now and that there are a million other things that i need to do, really soon, but for the moment i'm going to take ten minutes off to write here.

I realised i need to have more conversations with and about God. I really do. I was out with my friend Pete on tuesday and we had a really good chat about spring harvest- i was telling him some of the stuff i learnt, like the fact that God does not forgive sin. He can't. It's not in His nature to forgive our sins. He requires that there is a sacrifice to atone for the sins of the people. Once upon a time, there was a high priest, who, once a year could go into the holiest of holies and speak to God, pleading for His people and sacrificing a goat. how a goat could carry peoples sins, I have no idea, but God said that it was enough. This wasn't really good enough, so a man came along, a man who was completely sinless, who faced the ultimate and only temptation: to go his own way or Gods, the same temptation- wrapped up in different colours, but at its base, the exact same temptation- that we all face every day, and who, at the point it was most crucial, prayed and cried and pleaded and sweat blood for the decision. and God still didn't release him, yet it was still his choice. he could have turned away and left us sacrificing goats and he would no longer be sinless and the whole history of the world would be different, but he didn't. he said, yet not my will, but yours. and he went to his death, the lamb on the cross. Jesus died and shed blood and that was the ultimate sacrifice. Nothing more is neccessary to atone us, except living with and in Jesus. God sees only his beloved son.

I know all this and yet i still struggle to live it day on day, minute on minute, hour on hour. i find myself getting annoyed, frustrated, tense about things that are not supposed to make me feel that way, i get angry at things that are no-ones fault, but are my problem and yet I don't talk about it. I need to get my head straight, I need to just abide in Christ and let him live through me.

I'm going to meet a friend tomorrow and i really hope we have good conversations. and i really pray that our flatcooling tomorrow (which you are invited to, by the way.) will be awesome, but not just because of the food and booze and music, but also because we are having awesome conversations and because God will be watching over it and just letting the best aspects of every person there shine through. I really want people to enjoy themselves and enjoy each other and everything... ah, this is a bit of a confused rant, but thats ok. i have to get back to my stinky essay now.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

3 years ago

i was just looking back at this blog three years ago, when i blogged quite a lot but fairly pointlessly... not a huge amount of difference to now some might say... however, three years and two days ago i wrote a post about my friend nicky's death. she died three years and three days ago. and i have told a lot of people about her, about how much of an impact she had on me. I still think of her and talk about her. i still love and miss her.
i thnk i'm very lucky to have made so many good friends in my life. i really am. even now, looking back, i know we had some rough times, but we stuck together in school, i still value my friends from madras, i really do, and i so love my friends in glasgow, lozzle was saying just yesterday how much she loves the fact that she's found a group of people that she can just hang out with and be herself and i am so grateful for that too, i love having these friends, these people who are just there and supportive and who i can support in turn. and i know i can be bitchy and crappy and not pleasant sometimes and i let my mouth run away with me and i'm sorry for that but you guys just accept me, and then challenge me and i am so grateful.

i guess i just love the fact that when i'm in glasgow in the flat, in the park, walking around, whatever, i just rerally feel at home, i know that i have a place here and i don't need anyone else to tell me that and i know no-one can make me feel not a part of this, so thats really cool. i'm just so lucky to have found such awesome friends.

anyway, its bed time.

post ... secret

i love the website postsecret. it makes me happy and sad and empathetic and silly and ... everything all at the same time.

Jen still has my postsecret book.. i do want it back!

so, anyway, what am i going to talk about today? well, i'm trying to not get on with my placement essay, i can't be bothered with writing proper essays just now. its a sunday evening and i don't feel like working. i really really should.

its been a long week, just going from one thing to another to another. i don't think i've properly rested this week, but i plan to try and get more rest time in in this next week.

i also love the postal service i think they are awesome

i am going to take karens advice and get up an hour earlier every morning and just spend it in time with God.. so, lets see how that works out.

toodlepip

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

interesting

when you publish a draft it publishes it under the first date you saved it as.

its been an interesting couple of weeks.
uhm, whats been going on.... well, i got back to class... getting back into the swing of things, which has been good. we've started on the flat chat. it was all looking good for having another 6bed flat, but thats kinda not looking so hopeful, potentially it'll just be two three bed flats... but hey ho. thats life.

i'm feeling a bitty blugh at the moment. think i'm just giving myself too much to do, too many hassles and stresses and spending too much money onthings i neither need nor can afford. i suck, is the basic consensus.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaach. now i have nothing to say.
grr.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

decided i'm going to try and post a reply to most of your comments keir as another blog post rather than forever going through comments. bear with me, i have written some, but there is more to do...

a reply (incomplete) (it's never really complete, is it)

right, this might take a while and i'm not sure i'm going to get it all done in a oner- especially since i just realised i have reading for tomorrow to do and its already 10pm.
however, i owe keir a few answers...
to find out what the heck i'm talking about check out
this and also this cos although its a fair bit of reading, its the background to it all.

so, i'm sitting here listening to ben folds five radio on pandora and trying to work out how to respond to all of this...
(just in case you were wondering, the song thats on just now is by a band called blackfield and is titled lullaby)

first off, i just want to say that i don't like being labeled. i guess its me trying to stay myself, unique, not tarred by someone else's brush, but i guess it's going to happen. so, i'm objecting to being called a "fundamental christian" since i don't think its fair to group people together like that- my flatmate has discovered that she really doesn't like the term "ned" so this is similar. did that make sense? i'm not even sure.

i am human, completely and uttely, there's no way i'm going to deny that, and so, as a human, i am open to human fears and doubts and am not always convinced by the most rational thing, or by the thing i know to be true, i can and will doubt the earth i stand on, i will be plagued with fears about myself, the way i treat others, the way i respond to others- even today, my self-belief was shaken, i thought i was a fairly nice person who made time and space for people, but today, in one situation, i seemed not to be, someone else got really uncomfortable and felt really unwelcomed and that hurt me so much. that i could make someone feel so uncomfortable. i'm still not sure it was all my fault, but i felt like the smallest piece of crap ever. i apologised and everything, but even now i am still shocked by the whole situation. if i can be so shaken by one thing like that, what makes me sure of anything?
i believe that the Bible contains the truth of how and why our world was created. we had a grill-a-christian night at j-hill on monday night and dan answered a lot of these sorts of questions really well. but i need to know for myself. the bible, continually points us to Jesus. all these accounts in the New Testament (NT) were written in the 30 or so years after Jesus' death and resurrection. these are all, primary, eyewitness accounts. they are letters and gospels all written about this one man, whose existence is verified by other historians too. there is no where that Jesus' body could have been taken to without discovery, there is no reason for the disciples to have lived and died in such ways for a falsehood, there is nothing that i can say to make anyone believe what i believe, but in so many cases, there is no way that people can't be gripped by what they read in the Bible.

no, not everyone has access to a Bible, not everyone will hear about Jesus in their lifetime, but i believe in a Just God, one who will not condemn without reason. if you hear and do not believe, thats completely different from never hearing.

i'm sorry that its been two weeks or so since i started this, but i've just been so busy and unable to thibk and i keep thinking, if i just find this new passage in le bible or this book or that commentary, but really what i think we need to hear is the words of duke special- last night i nearly died but i woke up just in time. i hope i'm awake and that you are all awakened.

i hope, eilidh, that you don't mind me reproducing part of your email here, but it just made so much sense... so, thanks: "Suzi, I was reading your blog and Keir's comments, I don't know how I'd respond to that, quite challanging things. A couple of things I thought though, God is so much bigger than your doubts and questions, I think He uses those to teach you. In fact I think that's true of any belief system and Keir doesn't seem to be there. When you think you have the answer then you give yourself no room to learn, to doubt forces you to explore and gain a deeper understanding, it's a necessity, not a weakness in faith. Faith is not another word for irrational belief, faith is the action of commiting to a belief that logic has only carried so far. Keir's faith is an atheistic faith but it is a faith. Logic, science, the world does not lead to atheism or theism, if anything it leads to agnosticism. He doesn't seem willing to challange his faith at all, something which I think all Christians are forced to do if they take their faith seriously. These are just a few, not very coherent, thoughts. Don't be discouraged by what he's saying, like you said in your blog, it's not up to you, only God can work in him."
(eilidh, i love you btw)

so, i'm sorry if this isn't what anyone was hoping for, i'm not entirely sure what i was aiming for when i started, but maybe its been helpful, maybe not.

Monday, February 26, 2007

his ways

i think i've been learning a lot recently, about my self and my need to be honest and the challenge to be vulnerable. tonight at cu we had two guys in to talk about apologetics. well, nicj was there for that, johnny was there for prayer ministry etc, which was really good. i felt i had a few things on my heart that i needed to chat through and so i spoke to johnny and he prayed for me. mostly it was about this one person i know who is always challenging me, who always has new questions, new ways to try and defeat me, make me "admit" that my faith is a sham, that i am illogical to believe what i believe and who i always end up having conversation-debate-arguments with about my convictions and beliefs with and johnny just really spoke into the situation, realising that i neede release from the burden of having all these doubts poured on my head, all these tough conversations which didn't always come at a goodtime, which did make me re-evaluate myself, and he allowed me to want to be free of that. he just poured blessing onto the situation and just had some real insight into the kind of things i needed to spoken to about.

tonight was good for that, for recognising that no-one is perfect and that there is a lot i need to sort out with my Father, God who created me. the things He wants to speak into my life but has no chance because i am too busy, ignoring, bypassing, serving. its ok for me to need to have my space i don't have to be constantly serving others, loving them, caring, putting them first, twisting my own life around their needs, although i will still and my whole career is and will be oriented around the people i meet and serve and love. and i need to do that in order to fulfil who God created me as. it was just really reaffirmed for me tonight that i will find out and need to remember who i am in Christ. that i will grow in love and faith and knowledge and i will have my heart broken over and over for people and situations and areas. that i will never stop loving people, that i will continue to encourage, to laugh, to be joyful, that i will never stop being who i was created to be. that i must centre myself in my Father. that He loves me and that it is this love that i will be pouring out, that my own love is not enough, is too finite, is too conditional to be enough, that i need to be filled and refreshed by Gods love but that i must draw near to him in order to have that refreshing and refilling.

i really hope and pray that i will discover more of what God has for me in the new year, that, come the spring, i would awake to a new period of my story, that i would grow and be challenged and challenger, that the truth would penetrate the hearts of those i know and love, that i might be a witness and that my story would resonate would be relevant would be at once mine and someone else's story. that what i have would be used for Gods glory and would help you that i would be used but not burned up, that i would be a good steward and that His blessing would be on allthat i say and do.

its a big ask, but i believe in a big God, one who does not and cannot fit into my little box. one who knows me intimately and loves every part of me, who challenges me, who rebukes me, who encourages me, who disciplines me, who cares for me, who directs me
He is bigger than anything i could ever imagine, He is always around and will help in times of need, He is just and righteous and loving and compassionate and i know virtually nothing of Him yet. i have so much to learn and always will. the more i learn, the less i know. He will create and He will provide, i just pray that He makes me equal to the challenge, equips me and directs my steps.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

scared

i mistyped that first and wrote "scarred".
wipe the make up from your face, tie your hair and gently fall from grace until i come again.
strangely, the last time i wrote those words i was in the middle of a relationship- the details of which i won't bore you with now, go here to reread that post- and i was trying to be all musically intellectual.. it didn't really work.
but brings back memories. i used to say to him -i wanna hold you but my hands are tied- and mean it. i was so foolish.

i left work today really fancying a pint of cider and blackcurrant and by the time i got home really wanted a cigarrette. various reasons, in the end i had neither. instead i'm sitting here with some white wine (it was in the kitchen and its been a long week) talking to you. strange, isn't it, that you think you've lost an "audience" or changed it, and them discover, down the line that those people are still with you, asking you questions, popping up in strange places. like your head. you'll all (all?) be thinking that i have a one track mind, that i think about the same situations all the time, really i don't, just for some reason they seem to be more prominent at the moment and there is nothing i can say to account for it. yet i find myself thinking about this man and what he might be doing now, how we'll both have grown in the last three years.

my friend simon is coming round to mine to watch a movie tomorrow. we're going to watch little miss sunshine, because i promised we would before he leaves for spain (friday). its weird, i've only known him a month or two and it seems like much longer. i can't quite believe he's leaving already. he's only been here three months.

i had this discussion with my friend val the other week... we both miss having a boyfriend. i never really made a concious decision not to go out with anyone, but it just hasn't really happened in quite a long time. i'm still not even sure if i actually will ever get married. i guess if it happens, it happens and i'll know it was meant to, otherwise it won't. that was a rambly way of pointing out the obvious. sorry.

hmmm.. pandora has just put on the clash.. intriguing.
i enjoyed that glass of wine. lozzle is out at the sports ball... she looked lovely earlier. i really quite enjoyed working on the bar tonight. i haven't been on bar in a while and it was awesome. i think i might volunteer at childline next year. i'm hoping to do my third year placement at dundee rep. that was a few random facts about my day/life. all of these things came up during the day.

strangely enough, one of the people i am currently working with on a giant project worked with my friend nicola on her play during the summer... coincidences abound.
i shall have to ask nicola about it tomorrow.. how exciting.

i have the cold and i hate that. it just depresses me. not actual depression (my, how easily we bandy these terms around now. i would never wish that ailment on anyone. a family friend was so afflicted that he could barely speak for a year. he is such a testament. he drove all the way from aberdeen for my grans funeral. he's much better now- has been for several years, but its been tough.) because i know its not, but the blues.

i think i'm going to just go and read my book for a bit and then go to sleep. i wish you all a lovely sabbath. rest well.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

knock knock

i totally got a new book for my bible-sermon-notes thing. it was free. from work. a sketchbook we were about to throw out. woo!
anyhoo.. so monday night, regina spektor- sooooooooooooo good! she was amazing. and, best of all we met my friends simon and ben there too, unexpectedly. so that was awesome and resulted in laura and i going to see the boys play last night at the 13th note. which was a lovelyt little gig. simon played beautifully as did ben. woop!!

uhm, i think thats all of my current banter, i shall write more next time i'm procrastinating or have an interesting topic to write about.... :)

Sunday, February 18, 2007

heaven help me

well.
this week has been good. and bad. but mostly good.
i made a cd for my sister and sent it off to her, but i don't think she'll get it for another week or two cos she's on spring break. i hope she does get it and enjoys it. quite a lot of work went into that...

hmmm... monday was a cu social, which was great fun, we went for dinner at southpark (ie mexico) and then kersland (america).

placement this week was-honestly- long. tuesday i did lots of admin stuff, wednesday i just collected materials and did test runs of stuff.. nothing very exciting. thursday we had a meeting with lex, the guy who creates our publicity stuff re the next art workshop series- creative sensations! that was fun. then a pub lunch and more sorting and admin for friday workshops. friday the workshops went well, they were enjoyed by everyone although, interestingly, the older teachers understood and took on the ideas better than the four students on placement... saturdays HAC workshops were really good, the kids got well involved and interested, so thursdays meeting should be good.

wednesday night i had housegroup and i really didn't want to go. i just felt that i'd had a shit day and wasn't in the mood. i felt i should go, but i didn't want to. at any rate, in the end i went and i did have a really good night. we did a little thing on the five-step prayer guide for church, so that was cool, just nice and simple, not too hard to follow. and then we all prayed for each other. this was proper prayer... individually, we all sat in the "hotseat" and recieved prayer. it was mega. there were several points where i couldn't stay in position, i felt this like heavyness come over my body and just comfort and love going from me. while we were praying for jenny, a few of us laid hands on her and it was whilst doing that and praying that i felt that what i was saying was not my own words, but the holy spirit, and he was working through me. it was just really powerful. it got me crying a fair few times.

personally, the best part of it was when the group were praying for me, i told them that i was having a tough time with a few things but mostly with a situation. one of my friends is getting married soon-ish. he's a guy i've known for a year and a half. although it feels longer. anyway, when first we met, i thought there was a potential that this could develop into a relationship- more than friends- and there were occasions where that might have happened, however it never did. i'm very comfortable with him, but i decided about a year ago that it would be stupid to try and have a relationship with him. he's not a christian and i'm not sure we would really work as boyfriend and girlfriend.... anyway, that head decision was made and that was fine, we continued as friends. he had his heart broken more than once that year, but then he fell in love with this girl that he's known for a long time. and has always half loved. she's lovely. they are lovely together. but i can't get out of my head this insane weird jealousy thing. i guess i never really got over all this half-baked infatuation. anyway, i kinda explained all this and then they prayed for me. and it was like a weight off my shoulders. knowing that these people care. and that they understand.
jonny said that he'd had a feelingthat something like this might come up. very comforting to know that God is in control and prewarning people perhaps.
anyway, it was really good and i know that its not al going to happen at once, but its getting much better. i think because its been confronted and dealt with.

so that was cool. the flat party on friday was amazing. it was chocolatey and alcoholic and banterlicious. val came along and i haven't seen her in ages so that was absolutely awesome. we had a really good chat, all about boys and life and stuff. it was so good to talk to her. shes goingto come to the vineyard with me some day. and make me a book. i'm very excited.

today at church colin swopped me a defaced penny for a piece of chewing gum.. the swopping has started. catherine exchanged the gum for a pen, so colin has to now swop that for something even better... exciting, non?

this afternoon i ate beans on toast and watched "ray". it was really good. really really good. tonight i am going to go and watch music and lyrics with some of my girly friends.. yay!

in other news, my friend bob's ex girlfriend has turned up at my work.. how strange. we met once while they were dating, now i don't know whether to bring it up or not... hmm.

uhm.. i think thats everything that has been happening recently- OhYeah! Regina Spektor at the qm tomorrow night!!! woot!!!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

i think i might buy a little notebook to go with my bible

todays sermon was really good.. i enjoyed it muchly, hence, my notes:

learning to enjoy the people we have around us: phillipians 1.3-11 (check out the passage here)
+ be grateful for the good in people
*vs3 focusing on anything positive in your relationship
*actively choosing not to focus on the negative
*don't minimise any pain that has been caused however, instead choose not to dwell on it.
*remember loyalty
+ practice positive prayer
*vs4 pray with joy
*positive relationships come from positive defined prayer
*paul prays specifically a- for the church in philipi to abound in love, b- make wise choices, c- do the right thing, d- be fruitful in jesus (vs9-11)
+be patient with peoples progress
*vs6 jesus always completes what he starts- GOD is not finished with people
*learn to enjoy people as they are not as you wish they were.
*our mistake is to judge people on how far they've to go rather than how far they've come
+love from the heart
*react with heart knowledge not head knowledge
*we need to have understanding, to have that we need to listen, with our hearts
*love with GOD's infinite, unending love see romans 5.5 thats the secret, be filled with GODs love and it will spill out

Saturday, February 10, 2007

don't you worry now

ah, today has been long.
and hard.
the workshops i was at this morning were good, but i didn't really feel like there was much point in me being there. i couldn't really contribute much to the process. but it was good to see what all was happening.
then i got back, did a few wee bits of shopping, went to try and collect the end of my prescription, which i have been having hassle about for the last few weeks. i got something eventually. but it wasn't what i'd ordered. i was meant to have fresh bread, but instead i had vacuum packed part baked bread. which was fine and wouldn't have been a problem if i hadn't already had this problem from that pharmacy before and if i hadn't had to explain to several staff members during the last two weeks what i wanted. the pharmacist was very nice and apologetic, but because anything else would just have been too much hassle i took what they had. the frustrations of the day just started to get to me.
as i was making my lunch (cheese and beans on toast. i've decided i like beans again. in moderation.) using the last of the bread i baked last week, i sliced my finger open. the pain of that, combined with my earlier frustration just was the last straw, i just had to cry.
anyway, i got my lunch and then mr kohli came round to take away the heaters we don't need any more, could only take one with him, so is coming back for the others... and he promised us a new microwave :) result.

ach. it was ok, i just had a bit of a crummy day and i don't think the weather helped. by the way, "fourplay" is a pretty crap film. i only watched a quarter of it, but it wasn't gripping at all.

so i'm courried up in bed, getting warm.
this week has been odd and long. on wednesday housegroup was really good, then i went round to bobs to give him his birthday present and ended up not leaving til 2am. it was fun. thursday was long. the kids at myt were hyper about going to the theatre and then the bus broke. the show was really good though. friday was soo long but i got to see my mum, which was really good because i haven't seen her for a while and i miss her. and then after work i went to campus to see gemma on her birthday, so that was fun.

oh, yeah, kirsten came round earlier too so that was cool, had a wee chat.
man, i've eaten too much.

i some times wonder if i'll ever get married. i know a few people who are getting married this year/in the near future and a few couples who will, at some point in the not-too-distant future probably end up walking down the aisle and although i know its not something i want right now, i used to think that it was definite that i would get married anf have a family, but now i'm not so sure. much as i'd enjoy the companionship and enjoy a family, i'm not sure i see where they'll fit. thats a very selfish view, but thats honest. but then again, i don't want to be alone always- with god around i know thats not possible, but, d'ya know sometimes you just need a real person to give you a hug, by real i mean physically present. i'm not sure where i'm going with this, but i have to leave for work soon, so i'll leave you with these half-formed thoughts.

in the words of jo:
it’s a hard day, nothing is right
and the words “i need a hug” are hard to fight
when i’ve had my fill of the blue light
then your face is the sight for my sore eyes
for my sore eyes
but if i am me with you
the way i want to be with you
then you are sore whilst i am free
that doesn’t seem so fair to me
that doesn’t seem like grace
or beauty to me
beauty from me
when you are an echo underneath the bridge at night
i wonder if i may have hurt your eyes with all this light
so just say the word and i’ll try with all my might
to hide away ’till you feel alright
’till you feel alright
it’d be a hard day yes it would…
but better than a hard life

Sunday, February 04, 2007

farewell

i'm done.
read this article.

for some reason, it really just touched me. i think there is so much going on that i'm not really processing stuff at the moment. so, where today was really good, it was also a bit pants and one of my friends is feeling a bit rubbish and that just sunk in, and the fact that people i love have lost people and i've lost people and it all just sort of came together in the five minutes while i was reading that and after.

placement has been really hard work this week. hard to try and make friends and to be yourself and get to know people and fit into workshops and just to be... but its been a good learning curve. i hate admin stuff. but i'm going to have to deal with it. as long as i still get to work with people, i will be content. even better, if someone wanted to do all the organising and i could design the workshops and then run them.

i don't know if this is true, but i might be feeling worse about nicky this year than before. this march will be 3 years since she died. and its never been "easy" but it has been less prominent these last years. maybe because i don't see the folk who knew her and me then as much... but recent events have just brought that hurt back.

i think its going to be really strange going back to spring harvest this year. the last time i went, the first time i had ever been, was just after nicky died, while i was still kindof entangled in the whole gareth mess, so it was a cleansing and healing experience. i don't think i directly told anyone about either of these events, however, the times there were good.

i bought an album today called the yorkhill sessions which is a creation from the sessions Jo and Yvonne did in yorkhill over the last year or so with 4word and a few of the kids in the yorkhill sick childrens hospital. its a great cd, really honest in places and hurting and raw but hopeful too. and i wish that this was available for more children. i was speaking to jenny today about her day indundee yesterday, and she was saying that its always hard because her dad died in ninewells. which is where nicky died too, which i really thank god for because she had been so far away before that, and i would have hated for her to go so far away. but it has to be hard.

i watched elizabethtown today and i really really enoyed it. yes its all about death but its also all about hope, about second chances and about being real with people, being yourself and taking chances. i need to learn to do that more often, take a chance on someone.

i decided that tonight i would make a mixtape(erm.. cd) for my sister, back up my music and do other useful things, but guess what.. i've not. maybe later.. i have tomorrow off... so its relaxation time for suzi. yippee!

guten nacht.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

sculpture, painting, print-making and felting

next wednesday i get to make sand casts. its going to be great fun.
tomorrow i get to play around with animation.
next week i might end up visiting Sensation in dundee. maybe.
i am at work, yes, its true.
off to find some huge boxes now... toodle-pip

Sunday, January 28, 2007

so come close and close your eyes

Aisssssssssh. i'm not happy.
my computer just shut down and the post i had been writing for the last hour or so has been lost.
i hate posts that start like this, but i needed to tell you.
i'm not even going to try and recreate what i had originally said, it wasn't entirely interesting, the main highlights were: i've been working too hard, committing to too much, eaten something i shouldn't have and then suffering for it. other things related to the week, including bobs dads funeral on wednesday. the gig on wednesday night. my day today.

anyway. that was what i was talking about and i'm sorry it got lost, because it took time. i'm so wittering now.

and to see me made her awful sad and to touch me made her awful sad

(regina spektor oedipus)

i used to send this blog to a friend of mine called emily- as in each time i posted on it, she would get an email. i'm not sure why we started that, but we did, and then a while back i changed it so that if she wanted to read it, she'd have to come to the site. i guess it just felt weird to still be sending her those emails when we hadn't really talked in quite a long time.

i find it hard to ask questions.
i have lots of doubts and questions and things but i really don't know what to do, i can't even articulate them. i just.. find it hard at the moment. there are passages that i read in the bible that don't seem to make any sense or fot with the image we have of god, but then, what do i know of god? who am i to make him fit my mould?

i've had enough to break me in two, to tear me apart, what am i to do? what else can i do? so sing me a song, let me hum along, at the top of my lungs, i come undone, what else can i do? what can i do? (david crowder band b collision intro)

that song just came on pandora as i was writing those last words (who am i to...). fitting.
have i told you that i love pandora.com? (thanks debberina!) its awesome, i suggest you go there.

to be honest in some ways it feels like i could quite easily just come apart at the seams theres lots going on and its all interesting and exciting, but i'm really sad that i'm going to miss out on another five weeks of deelopment at maryhill. i really do enjoy the time there, getting to know the kids. i just feel like i need to prioritise, i need to get my head straight. i have so much to be grateful for... but somehow its not satisfying at the moment. i'm sort of mixed up and confused and not sure that trying to write it down is helping.

ok.

i feel like telling you a story, but i'm not really sure what to tell...




[insert story here]




i think i should go. i think i need an early(ish) night tonight.
good evening.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

be still my heart this could a brand new start

you should listen to "be still my heart" by the postal service.
ok, so this might be a bit of a confessional and a bit out of the blue, but what the hey. i think it should be said at some point.
you never know this could be a brand new start, i might actually let go of this now.
let me tell you a story.

this story begins with a girl. just your average scottish girl, not entirely sure if the faith she professes to is real, and being 16, is full of insecurities about herself and how people, boys (especially boys), girls, anyone sees her. one day, she recieves in her inbox a comment from a stranger who thinks she is "interesting". this piques her curiousity, how can a stranger think she is interesting- especially as the only evidence they have to go on is a pretty old msn spaces profile. nonetheless, the comment is there, so she replies, "why? and, by the way thats an old profile, i've changed a bit ;)" a conversation ensues, where it comes out that this stranger thinks she is the sort of person he would like to get to know. it also comes out that this stranger (lets call him -yes, him- Garry) is 29 years old. this doesn't put her off however, lets face it, an older man thinks she's interesting? who would give that up?

so the conversations progress, they text and email and instant message all the time, she begins to phone him, they talk most nights for an hour or so, discussing all sorts of things, aliens, religion, drugs, even sex. she tells him she is a virgin. he seems surprised. he still likes her though, he wants her to go to his house (just about an hours drive from her house) for the weekend, where they can drink and play strip chess and fall over. yes, really.

after a month or two Garry begins to ask when he can meet her, until now she's always been slightly evasive, even she recognises that there may be some element of danger in this, however, she does want to meet him, he's the most interesting person she's met in a long time. they eventually arrange to meet up one weekend, when she has to be in school anyway, so she meets him near there. they go for coffee and she discovers that its really easy to talk to and flirt with this guy, this damaged person who has never really followed his dreams, who was hurt by his parents, was damaged by finding out he was adopted and had to learn to love and trust again, yet, there is still nervousness. he offers to drive her home, and it takes a few nudgings before she accepts. she doesn't want to tell her mum, in her heart she knows that this isn't exactly a good situation. that afternoon, however she takes her courage in both hands and tells her mum. but she lies. she says that this guy is friends with her friends cousin. and that her friend went with her too. not that that makes it that much better. her mum is still worried about her and she tells one lady from her church, a trained councellor.

seperately from her mum talking to the councellor, another lady (shona, lets call her) who knows the family talks to the councellor about the girl. shona is known for being gifted with the holy spirit, she often is blessed in different ways. anyway, shona has a dream about the girl, in which she is given a word "predator". shona believes that there is a predatory force at work around the girl. shona tells the councellor, who passes this on to the mum. mum and dad discuss this and eventually, a few days later decide to talk to the girl about it.

during this same week, one of the girls friends dies. this friend, charlotte (as good a name as any) had cysitic fibrosis, and had had it ever since she was born. charlotte had been extremely lucky to make it as long as she did. the mum had gone to see charlotte and her mother and had told them about the girl and garry. charlotte was upset at this and told the mum not to letthe girl do that, because "she was far too beautiful". a day or two after that conversation, charlotte died. this was an emotional time for the girl, it was a monday morning when she found out and on the wednesday evening her parents decided to talk to her about the situation with garry. being good christian parents, they emphasised the fact that they thought it was the devil tempting the girl. this was hard for the girl to hear, she was upset about charlotte and needing the support garry was giving her, and also confused, she didn't feel she was enough of a christian to be worth bothering the devil. that talk didn't really resolve anything. the girl still made plans to meet garry again, this time with her friends around. the night of charlottes funeral. unsurprisingly her friends and garry didn't really get on that well. too much of an age gap, cultural differences... everything. the relationship cooled slightly over the next few weeks, but there was still almost daily contact.

the girl and her mum went to spring harvest that easter, about two weeks after charlotte died. during that week, the girl wasn't expecting to be able to get access to her email, but she still told garry to email her. she had a good time that week, making new friends, going to different talks and actually, for once really beginning to experience God. she made one friend, sam, who she learnt a lot from, how being different was ok- you didn't have to follow the crowd. he was important in helping her to be ok with herself. even if he didn't realise it. one night at the youth services, the teachers at the front asked people to come forward for prayer. the girl, realising she had to do something, went forward. she was prayed over and her mind was, for once at peace. that night, in her fold out sofa bed, she really prayed. she asked God to look after the situation with garry, to be in control. if it was his will that she be an instrument of truth in his life, then so be it, but if not, that was ok too.

in the car on the way home, she put on a del amitri cd, which started with the track "be my downfall". her mum asked how garry was. she answered, honestly, "i don't know". when she got home, there were no emails from him. she had recieved no texts from him. during the week, she had deleted all his texts and erased his numbers- that was how God was in control, if he contacted her, then it was for a reason. she heard from him once more, over a year later, she got an email through, a generic quiz type email that you pass round all your contacts. she didn't reply- what was there to say?

the last time she saw him was a year, almost to the day since the last time she had met up with him. he was walking along the main road near her school, she was on a study period and at the shop. they walked past each other. once he was past and looking in a window she recognised him. the experience shocked her. so badly she was shaking for about ten minutes, like seeing a ghost. to this day she doesn't even know if it was him or if he recognised her.... for a time, such important figures to each other and then... nothing.

what else is there to say?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

wee-oo-wee-oh

I've watched a lot of House recently. If you've never seen it, its this crazy american medical drama starring Hugh Laurie (with a very un-British accent) as the cynical detached pill-popping Dr House who always get the diagnosis. Its pretty addictive.

Anyway, I was thinking, as I watched this, that we are quite like that sometimes, always looking for the complex answer when sometimes (alright, admittedly never in House) the answer actually is the easiest one.

To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I've had a few conversations recently that have been really good, like yesterday I had a really good chat with a friend about life and especially about CU this year, which has been really encouraging, because it's always really hard to make decisions, especially ones that have consequences for more people than just yourself. So deciding to take on a role in CU this year has been a big issue. For ages I wasn't sure I would be any good, or would be fired up about it, but some people have just been encouraging, about me personally, the gifts and talents they see me bringing to groups and about how the experience will make me grow. So that has all been good. It's been encouraging to hear from people what they think of me, how they've seen me grow, because I find it very hard to gauge how I have actually grown, what I have learnt and put into practice.

The episode of House I was just watching was all about a doctor who has been working in Africa for the last twenty years treating TB and who had caught the disease- as well as having a tumor on his pancreas. Anyway, he was adamant that he didn't want the TB treatment until more medicine was promised to his practices in Africa. He seemed selfless. He knew how to work the media, he was a bit of a charmer. And it struck me that we can all be a bit like that, we want, supposedly to help other people, but how much is it about helping ourselves? This man, in the last scene, as he was leaving hospital to goo back to Africa was, once again, surrounded by camera crews. He was at home there. Yes, he was all noble and saving lives, but he loved the attention it generated him, whereas House couldn't care less what people thought of him, as long as he ended up doing the right thing and treating the patient. I want to be more like House, not caring what the world thinks, neither when they hate me, nor- harder- when they love me. It's such a hard thing to do, to not judge yourself by the worlds standards, by what theythink you should be doing, how much you should be earning, whatever. I need to learn to judge myself by Gods standards, what he thinks of me. It's hard. I'm still learning.

This was a bit disjointed.. sorry.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

calling all angels

well, its been an interesting two days. little frustrated at how much i have to take home to glasgow and how little space i actually have. i am so so so not looking forward to moving out of my room, ever.. so much junk. unreal.
anyway. today was nice.mostly just on my own, with my dog for company. was making tea for my parents- their christmas gift. so i made a fragrant thai green curry and a fresh cocnut, tomato and cucumber relish-y thing. oh and polenta cake for after. it was nice. they were off at the team leaders day all today.

yesterday evening i got a call from dawn, to let me know that Bob's dad had just died. he had a heart attack. unexpected. nick- bobs brother is still in china. amy- bobs sister has two small boys who aren't going to know their grandpa as they get older than this.
I barely knew mr rafferty, but he seemed like a really nice guy, he loved his son, was at pretty much every gig taking photos. anyway. its very sad. and i feel for bob. but its funny, dawn is so concerned about me- needs to make sure i'm ok- i've not been bereaved, not this time anyway- that was october, when granny died. anyway.

i'm not sure i fully worked through all the emotions around granny dying- everything just happened so fast. there was so much going on. mum got a bit upset yesterday, she still has things to sort out and i think she does get a bit lonely being in the house on her own- both meggie and i have moved out and dad quite often has to go on business trips and shes just found herself a bit cut loose from her old way of life, including granny and pharmacy- which she has officially retired from now... how scary.

i was just thinking today, what would i do if i lost my dad? i really feared for a while when jenni was meeting me to tell me about granny that it might have been mum or dad and they'd been bitten on the boat or something, i was so scared. and it made me miss them so much more while they were away. i never usually miss them this much, but i was scared and alone and grieving. and i know that this isn't nice, but its true - i don't think i would have been as sad if it had been my other gran- that is such a horrible thing to say, but i think its only because i don't know them that well. whereas granny was part of my weekly life in newport. i picked her up in the little yellow car on a sunday, mum and i took her shopping in marks on a wednesday when i was home and free, i teased her, i laughed with her, i got frustrated with her, i just knew her as well as a granddaughter could. and ok i wasn't the best granddaughter, but she accepted me as i was.

and i can't imagine what my mum went through and what bob and amy and nick are going through, i don't want to lose my dad ever. and i know it will happen one day, but i don't want to think about it, because it would mean my mum was on her own. and i don't know how jan copes. its been over a year since she lost iain, since jules and jenny lost their dad and i don't know how they cope with it. but i know that god is in control and we just have to take it one day at a time and pray for the safety of our loved ones.

Friday, January 05, 2007

second thoughts on church

i was also going to tell you about my church at home. about how there is a really vibrant youth group and youth worker, an awesome fairtrade cafe, a lovely building, and a congregation whos needs are not being fulfilled by a minister who is more worried about what the news is saying that what God is trying to say to him. thats not to say that the minister is completely hopeless, he was a very good minister for many years, but there have been so many trials associated with the parish that he's been disillusioned and needs to recoup. i'm not trying to run him down, or out, but he deserves prayer. and guidance.

that was a bit of a random after-post-thought. anyhoo, i shall leave you to your lives.

church

first of all, check out this because it was this article that got me thinking about the subject.

i've been thinking about church a bit recently. i had a chat with my friend prim a couple of weeks ago, because she'd stopped going to church for ages, she was having a tough time spiritually etc and she'd decided to trythe church that her godmother goes to, (i don't know how she's getting on, we're overdue for a coffee...) because it was supposed to be really good at doing community which is what prim needed. anyway, she knew it would be hard.

it was around that time that i was thinking about maybe changing churches, worried that i was only there for a few people, because i knew people going there- basically, it appeared a pretty "cool" church, and i was worried i was being too shallow. ha. is it not enough that we know we sometimes go to church because we want to speak to people we like, we want to sing worship with a great band. but how much does that matter? as long as, at the end of it all, the purpose and the people are there to worship God.

i went to debs church a couple weeks after that. and i did enjoy myself. but it wasn't home. the people weren't my people, not because they weren't "cool" enough, the songs weren't mine, not because i didn't know them (which i didn't, but thats ok) but because i didn't know these people. they didn't know me. i know, if i went for a couple of weeks, people would know me and they are very friendly, lozzle and cath and i went for lunch with two boys from church- alright cath and lozzle knew them quite well anyway, but it was the gesture. the thing is, i have begun to build community with the people i go to church with. i am involved in various projects outside of sunday morning, i have a housegroup now. that one was hard work. i couldn't quite shake off the feeling that i wasn't old enough to go to housegroup, but once i got there and began to work at forming relationships, it got better. like i said to b the other night, (on googlemail chat..)

b- so is housegroup going good 4 u?
me- its different- you know how you go into some things with ideas and perceptions about how that should be, well, i kinda did and its not neccessarily been like that, which has been more of a struggle than i'd thought, but yeah, its good, there are a nice mix of people and they all bring different things, so thats cool.
b- yeah i guess its hard not to have some preset ideas....you can have NO thoughts on something right? but then its also hard when things change
but great you can see how everyone contributes something different
me- indeed, but in this case, although i wasn't much enjoying it to start, it is getting better, more people have joined us and the group is beginning to have its own dynamic.
yeah, its nice to know you do contribute something...

it was hard at the start, i went every week and kinda sat there, thinking, i'm only really here because my its at my friends house... and i guess i was kinda lax about the whole thing. but this year, since i started second year, its gotten a lot better. a few more new people have joined us, we've kinda bonded better. its strange because i did navs last year and my group were awesome. all the girls i studied with each week just brought so much, so many questions, so many fears, ideas, goals, dreams.. just amazing people and it was such a priviledge to share life with them (if any of you ever read this, i really do love you guys.) through all the hard times and some awesome times. and even though our group is no more, i know that at least some of those relationships will last the test of time. and i went into housegroup wishing for the same thing, truly and thats not going to happen.

i also worry about one of my friends. i just fear that she isn't leading the life God truly wants for her, that she has made some bad decisions and is too attached to the world. i so don't want to sound judgemental, or hypocritical, because i know that i have not done any better, have made some of the same mistakes... i just need to pray for her, truthfully. i don't know what else to do or say.

well, this started out about church and kinda veered off point a little, but hey.
will leave you with this i think:

I will pray for you now for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I could not ask for more than what you’ve already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me

May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall come crashing down around your feet

May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater each stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride

What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the one who made us
And see him smile when life is through

May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they’d be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see

May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you’d learn to trust the plan he has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true

I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I’ll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me.

(kendall payne)