lonely soul

well, its christmas day evening, the turkey was cooked, eaten and enjoyed, presents were exchanged, the childrens talk at church was too long, but thats a story for another day.

its been, mostly, a good christmas, yes, we were missing j and granny (j chose to stay in glasgow) but aside from that.

yesterday wasn't entirely full of christmas cheer, mum and i both got a bit stressed, about the same kinda subject- cleaning. my g'parents are down from granite city for the holidays, which means i'm sharing with the littlest sherriffs, and the g'parents get my room. which is fine. i'm used to giving up my room, or parts of it, christmas wouldn't be christmas if i wasn't sleeping on a matress on the floor at least one night. however, because the g'parents would be in my room, i had to make sure it was uber tidy- by my standards it was pretty damn tidy, but that wasn't enough and i do understand why- mum has never felt entirely comfortable around the g'parents, so everything has to be as clean as poss, which gets her stressed because she thinks she'll be judged and doesn't want us to feel judged too, which i get. we are more similar than you might think. anyway, i had to clean because they were coming, which i felt a little resentful of, but not really at mum, more at them- why can't they just accept that i will always be a bit messy. anyway, i was in a bit of a strop and took it out on everyone else by being less than friendly and quiet and dismissive. by this point i was taking rubbish out to the wheelie bins, walked past mum, who said sometjing like "thankyou" i acknowleged it way too quietly, slammed the door (unintentionally, mostly) too hard and was generally a moody cow. stalked back to my roomto cry in the dark, but mum came in in tears, annoyed and upset that i'd slighted her- which i hadn't meant. we had a half enunciated crying argument, where i tried to explain i wasn't mad at her, just at myself and stuff and she said we were more alike than we realised and that she always felt she hadn't measured up as a daughter in law. but that i had always measured up for her and she didn't want anyone judging me.

so its been a mixed blessing this year.

merry christmas