well, well, well

Its been a long year, and yet an incredibly short one in some ways. It seems like forever since Nicky died, but in fact is only about 9 months. I can't believe its only been like two months since i went to America. and yet, it sems like such a sort time ago that i was only doing like standard grades- now that was a while ago.

I was trawling my archives last night in order to get some material for a reflective essay. I now have two ideas. One of which is basically an essay anyway. In fact- i could definitely incorporate the two into one huge essay. I love writing, so it shouldn't be too hard.

On another note entirely, Gordo and I might be setting up a joint blog.. where we post random english conversations (we talk on paper alot) and other bits and pieces.
well, we might do...

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

the Garden State soundtrack is immense, It has o many incredible songs on it, aload of which totally reflect my mood alot of the time.

I should really do some homework, but instead I'm going to talk about my friends.

I love my friends, and I want to say thank you to them all for being there for me this past year.
I have really really been blessed to have all you guys, you've should by me when i've been down, even when I couldn't and still can't explain what was wrong. You've seen the real me, the one that is insecure and hurts and can't get past small, stupid things, things that don't really mater. You've stuck with me through all of this and more and we've had some insanely good times too, so I just want to really say thankyou. I really appreciate you guys, even if I don't always show it. I guess you'll know that I find it hard to talk about my emotions, I still do, I don't ever really find it easy to tell someone how I'm feeling, I never feel like i really matter enough as a person to merit someone wanting to listen to my problems, so I'm sorry that I don't open up that much. I feel like I have revealed myself as a person more over this past year than before. I'm honoured to know that if there is something big that I can trust you lot to treat it with dignity. I feel so loved sometimes. And I know that even when I don't feel it, its usually just my own insecurites and you haven't left me.
I really like this poem, and I wanted to share it because it describes how I feel I am in some of my relationships and the absolute ideal for all of my close friendships.

Paint Brush

I keep my paint brush with me
wherever I may go,
in case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show you me,
afraid of what you'll do,
that you may laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
to show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold.
And if you still love me with all that you see,
you are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
and hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy
in case somebody doesn't understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend
and thanks for loving me true.
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.

Bettie B Young

too low to find my way, too high to wonder why

wow, thats like actually like my life sometimes. yeah i am having too much fun with all these coloured fonts.

well, i guess thats about all i wanted to say.