you have no control

ok, so i know this is my third post in one day and nothing particularly exciting has actually happened today, but i have discovered a renewed vigour for my blog.. though i probably have less time than ever to actually blog.. or do anything else.. don't you worry though (as james would say in his inimitable irish way- every time i say don't you worry, i have to say it irishly james like... now that's worrying. no, really, it is. very.) i still wash. as always. washing is always high in my list of things to do..

tomorrow comes with such surprising speed and i have to talk about Leviticus in it. i met a girl on Sunday who had heard about me- that's worrying- to be fair only through Kirsty because we're doing Leviticus together- it is a proper challenge. i'd recommend it so far though.. its pretty interesting. i think i need to be sleeping more in my life. i know i've mentioned this a few times.

i was looking through some of my archives today- like at particular labels and its really interesting to see what i was writing about a year or two years ago.. i have had this thing for quite a long time.. since 2003 to be exact- and that is a long time.. four years!! its bizarre to see the ways things have progressed since then- my first posts were full of crap, and some of my friends wrote here too.. but now its purely me.. ha ha ha. i wrote about being coeliac- not often, in fairness, but occasionally. told you (the Internet) how i was feeling when Nicky died, when i started a relationship with Gareth, how that all ended up, when i went to uni, debates i had about religion, people who inspired me, when my gran died, that weekend in new york. i love people and i love writing about people and things that happen. i love people being happy. lots of my friends are in the getting engaged/married/having babies stage- ok, i say lots, yes five couples i know did get married this summer, another couple of couples are pregnant another couple of friends got engaged recently and some people are just madly in love, whether in or out of the context of a relationship.

i want to be madly in love. mostly with Jesus. man, i was talking to this guy will tonight- he's a post grad that came along to CU tonight, and was talking about how he became a christian and describing this huge hunger inside of himself for Jesus, how he just loves Christ and how Jesus has molded him into the person he is, his mission being to see people brought closer to Jesus, and i was like, i want to feel that, i want to cry out to God and feel him right there next to me, saying, hey, suzi, its all good, i love you completely and i will never let you go.. because sometimes i find it hard to hear that, to know that if i go to God then he'll wrap me up in his arms, because i am not the person i really want and wish to be.. i am so much more insecure than that person, i am so much more of a let down, i will always back out, take the easy road and miss out, but i don't want to, i want to be changed, challenged and really take up the mantle of the mission God has set before me.

reading john ortberg's 'when the game is over it all goes back in the box' right now and its a really good challenge- to realise that God has put me right here for a reason, this is my mission field, i should be serving right here, God has something planned for me right here.. pray that i'll say yes when my Mordecai (he was using the example of Esther) presents a challenge to me.. maybe you're my Mordecai- whats my challenge?? nudge and encourage me toward it, shout scream yell it at me.. keep working on me, make me take it up, remind me God never said it would be easy but hat he would be sufficient...

i don't think i have anything else i want to say. apart from i plan to spell check this.. i hope its readable by the time you get to it... :) (ha- i type better than i thought i did.. apart from capitals, which i refuse to do because i much prefer lower-case. except, obviously, in essays..)