church

first of all, check out this because it was this article that got me thinking about the subject.

i've been thinking about church a bit recently. i had a chat with my friend prim a couple of weeks ago, because she'd stopped going to church for ages, she was having a tough time spiritually etc and she'd decided to trythe church that her godmother goes to, (i don't know how she's getting on, we're overdue for a coffee...) because it was supposed to be really good at doing community which is what prim needed. anyway, she knew it would be hard.

it was around that time that i was thinking about maybe changing churches, worried that i was only there for a few people, because i knew people going there- basically, it appeared a pretty "cool" church, and i was worried i was being too shallow. ha. is it not enough that we know we sometimes go to church because we want to speak to people we like, we want to sing worship with a great band. but how much does that matter? as long as, at the end of it all, the purpose and the people are there to worship God.

i went to debs church a couple weeks after that. and i did enjoy myself. but it wasn't home. the people weren't my people, not because they weren't "cool" enough, the songs weren't mine, not because i didn't know them (which i didn't, but thats ok) but because i didn't know these people. they didn't know me. i know, if i went for a couple of weeks, people would know me and they are very friendly, lozzle and cath and i went for lunch with two boys from church- alright cath and lozzle knew them quite well anyway, but it was the gesture. the thing is, i have begun to build community with the people i go to church with. i am involved in various projects outside of sunday morning, i have a housegroup now. that one was hard work. i couldn't quite shake off the feeling that i wasn't old enough to go to housegroup, but once i got there and began to work at forming relationships, it got better. like i said to b the other night, (on googlemail chat..)

b- so is housegroup going good 4 u?
me- its different- you know how you go into some things with ideas and perceptions about how that should be, well, i kinda did and its not neccessarily been like that, which has been more of a struggle than i'd thought, but yeah, its good, there are a nice mix of people and they all bring different things, so thats cool.
b- yeah i guess its hard not to have some preset ideas....you can have NO thoughts on something right? but then its also hard when things change
but great you can see how everyone contributes something different
me- indeed, but in this case, although i wasn't much enjoying it to start, it is getting better, more people have joined us and the group is beginning to have its own dynamic.
yeah, its nice to know you do contribute something...

it was hard at the start, i went every week and kinda sat there, thinking, i'm only really here because my its at my friends house... and i guess i was kinda lax about the whole thing. but this year, since i started second year, its gotten a lot better. a few more new people have joined us, we've kinda bonded better. its strange because i did navs last year and my group were awesome. all the girls i studied with each week just brought so much, so many questions, so many fears, ideas, goals, dreams.. just amazing people and it was such a priviledge to share life with them (if any of you ever read this, i really do love you guys.) through all the hard times and some awesome times. and even though our group is no more, i know that at least some of those relationships will last the test of time. and i went into housegroup wishing for the same thing, truly and thats not going to happen.

i also worry about one of my friends. i just fear that she isn't leading the life God truly wants for her, that she has made some bad decisions and is too attached to the world. i so don't want to sound judgemental, or hypocritical, because i know that i have not done any better, have made some of the same mistakes... i just need to pray for her, truthfully. i don't know what else to do or say.

well, this started out about church and kinda veered off point a little, but hey.
will leave you with this i think:

I will pray for you now for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I could not ask for more than what you’ve already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me

May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall come crashing down around your feet

May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater each stride
May your company be of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride

What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the one who made us
And see him smile when life is through

May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they’d be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see

May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you’d learn to trust the plan he has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true

I have prayed for you now all of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on I’ll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me.

(kendall payne)