so come close and close your eyes

Aisssssssssh. i'm not happy.
my computer just shut down and the post i had been writing for the last hour or so has been lost.
i hate posts that start like this, but i needed to tell you.
i'm not even going to try and recreate what i had originally said, it wasn't entirely interesting, the main highlights were: i've been working too hard, committing to too much, eaten something i shouldn't have and then suffering for it. other things related to the week, including bobs dads funeral on wednesday. the gig on wednesday night. my day today.

anyway. that was what i was talking about and i'm sorry it got lost, because it took time. i'm so wittering now.

and to see me made her awful sad and to touch me made her awful sad

(regina spektor oedipus)

i used to send this blog to a friend of mine called emily- as in each time i posted on it, she would get an email. i'm not sure why we started that, but we did, and then a while back i changed it so that if she wanted to read it, she'd have to come to the site. i guess it just felt weird to still be sending her those emails when we hadn't really talked in quite a long time.

i find it hard to ask questions.
i have lots of doubts and questions and things but i really don't know what to do, i can't even articulate them. i just.. find it hard at the moment. there are passages that i read in the bible that don't seem to make any sense or fot with the image we have of god, but then, what do i know of god? who am i to make him fit my mould?

i've had enough to break me in two, to tear me apart, what am i to do? what else can i do? so sing me a song, let me hum along, at the top of my lungs, i come undone, what else can i do? what can i do? (david crowder band b collision intro)

that song just came on pandora as i was writing those last words (who am i to...). fitting.
have i told you that i love pandora.com? (thanks debberina!) its awesome, i suggest you go there.

to be honest in some ways it feels like i could quite easily just come apart at the seams theres lots going on and its all interesting and exciting, but i'm really sad that i'm going to miss out on another five weeks of deelopment at maryhill. i really do enjoy the time there, getting to know the kids. i just feel like i need to prioritise, i need to get my head straight. i have so much to be grateful for... but somehow its not satisfying at the moment. i'm sort of mixed up and confused and not sure that trying to write it down is helping.

ok.

i feel like telling you a story, but i'm not really sure what to tell...




[insert story here]




i think i should go. i think i need an early(ish) night tonight.
good evening.