scared

i mistyped that first and wrote "scarred".
wipe the make up from your face, tie your hair and gently fall from grace until i come again.
strangely, the last time i wrote those words i was in the middle of a relationship- the details of which i won't bore you with now, go here to reread that post- and i was trying to be all musically intellectual.. it didn't really work.
but brings back memories. i used to say to him -i wanna hold you but my hands are tied- and mean it. i was so foolish.

i left work today really fancying a pint of cider and blackcurrant and by the time i got home really wanted a cigarrette. various reasons, in the end i had neither. instead i'm sitting here with some white wine (it was in the kitchen and its been a long week) talking to you. strange, isn't it, that you think you've lost an "audience" or changed it, and them discover, down the line that those people are still with you, asking you questions, popping up in strange places. like your head. you'll all (all?) be thinking that i have a one track mind, that i think about the same situations all the time, really i don't, just for some reason they seem to be more prominent at the moment and there is nothing i can say to account for it. yet i find myself thinking about this man and what he might be doing now, how we'll both have grown in the last three years.

my friend simon is coming round to mine to watch a movie tomorrow. we're going to watch little miss sunshine, because i promised we would before he leaves for spain (friday). its weird, i've only known him a month or two and it seems like much longer. i can't quite believe he's leaving already. he's only been here three months.

i had this discussion with my friend val the other week... we both miss having a boyfriend. i never really made a concious decision not to go out with anyone, but it just hasn't really happened in quite a long time. i'm still not even sure if i actually will ever get married. i guess if it happens, it happens and i'll know it was meant to, otherwise it won't. that was a rambly way of pointing out the obvious. sorry.

hmmm.. pandora has just put on the clash.. intriguing.
i enjoyed that glass of wine. lozzle is out at the sports ball... she looked lovely earlier. i really quite enjoyed working on the bar tonight. i haven't been on bar in a while and it was awesome. i think i might volunteer at childline next year. i'm hoping to do my third year placement at dundee rep. that was a few random facts about my day/life. all of these things came up during the day.

strangely enough, one of the people i am currently working with on a giant project worked with my friend nicola on her play during the summer... coincidences abound.
i shall have to ask nicola about it tomorrow.. how exciting.

i have the cold and i hate that. it just depresses me. not actual depression (my, how easily we bandy these terms around now. i would never wish that ailment on anyone. a family friend was so afflicted that he could barely speak for a year. he is such a testament. he drove all the way from aberdeen for my grans funeral. he's much better now- has been for several years, but its been tough.) because i know its not, but the blues.

i think i'm going to just go and read my book for a bit and then go to sleep. i wish you all a lovely sabbath. rest well.