farewell

i'm done.
read this article.

for some reason, it really just touched me. i think there is so much going on that i'm not really processing stuff at the moment. so, where today was really good, it was also a bit pants and one of my friends is feeling a bit rubbish and that just sunk in, and the fact that people i love have lost people and i've lost people and it all just sort of came together in the five minutes while i was reading that and after.

placement has been really hard work this week. hard to try and make friends and to be yourself and get to know people and fit into workshops and just to be... but its been a good learning curve. i hate admin stuff. but i'm going to have to deal with it. as long as i still get to work with people, i will be content. even better, if someone wanted to do all the organising and i could design the workshops and then run them.

i don't know if this is true, but i might be feeling worse about nicky this year than before. this march will be 3 years since she died. and its never been "easy" but it has been less prominent these last years. maybe because i don't see the folk who knew her and me then as much... but recent events have just brought that hurt back.

i think its going to be really strange going back to spring harvest this year. the last time i went, the first time i had ever been, was just after nicky died, while i was still kindof entangled in the whole gareth mess, so it was a cleansing and healing experience. i don't think i directly told anyone about either of these events, however, the times there were good.

i bought an album today called the yorkhill sessions which is a creation from the sessions Jo and Yvonne did in yorkhill over the last year or so with 4word and a few of the kids in the yorkhill sick childrens hospital. its a great cd, really honest in places and hurting and raw but hopeful too. and i wish that this was available for more children. i was speaking to jenny today about her day indundee yesterday, and she was saying that its always hard because her dad died in ninewells. which is where nicky died too, which i really thank god for because she had been so far away before that, and i would have hated for her to go so far away. but it has to be hard.

i watched elizabethtown today and i really really enoyed it. yes its all about death but its also all about hope, about second chances and about being real with people, being yourself and taking chances. i need to learn to do that more often, take a chance on someone.

i decided that tonight i would make a mixtape(erm.. cd) for my sister, back up my music and do other useful things, but guess what.. i've not. maybe later.. i have tomorrow off... so its relaxation time for suzi. yippee!

guten nacht.